Personal Struggles: Navigating Mental Health Challenges

Personal health issues?

Hello, doctor.
Allow me to remind you that the following record is a bit disorganized; my thoughts are fragmented, and there may be some unclear points.
When I was in elementary school, I felt particularly depressed and thought I had depression.
Now that I’m in college, I believe my situation has improved; I’m not as depressed anymore and have made some friends.
However, I experience intense and strange mood swings.
The first thing I think about every morning is how troublesome it is to get up and that I want to continue sleeping.
I know I shouldn’t talk back to my mom, but I can’t help it, and after making her angry, I regret it.
I often hide in the bathroom, not wanting to see anyone or hear anyone talk, and I sometimes bang my head against the wall or slap myself to calm my anger.
I occasionally feel like crying, but I know I shouldn’t, so I hold it back.
The only time I cried heavily, to the point of choking, was in middle school.
I have read some psychology, thinking that understanding it would help me know my situation better, but even with some knowledge, it hasn’t been useful.
My mom thinks I have a problem, but I’ve always been too afraid to see a doctor.
I have a strange thought: I don’t want to talk to people; seeing others annoys me.
During a middle school exam, I heard someone calling my name right next to my ear, even though no one was there.
I’ve experienced several hallucinations and often see things floating into my room.
I feel like dying wouldn’t be a big deal; I write a letter every year as a way to escape my problems, but I’m foolish enough not to show it to anyone, so no one would know.
I don’t have a habit of cutting myself; it’s very painful.
I tried it once in elementary school; at first, I didn’t feel anything, but then it hurt a lot.
However, my appetite hasn’t changed, and my sleep quality remains the same.
I can even talk to people.
I really don’t know what’s wrong with me.
Every time someone wants to argue with me, I feel so tired, but I can’t help but feel unwilling to back down; I stubbornly think my perspective is right.
Back in elementary school, I had gaps in my memory; I completely don’t remember what happened during that time, as if someone had erased those memories.
I remember feeling pain when I heard about someone getting into a car accident; I cried and desperately asked my dad to call for help, even though someone had already called 911.
I like corners; even though I have friends, I still prefer to be alone at home.
Even when friends invite me out, I just feel awkward, even though we are familiar with each other.
I can’t concentrate, and I might be addicted to electronic devices for life because I know that people on the other side can’t see me; they don’t know who I am, and I can act however I want without being criticized.
I don’t feel tired when I’m playing.
Just thinking about the future makes me want to jump off a building (which might relate to my earlier thoughts about solving problems through death).
There was a time when I met someone through a suicide website; he told me that burning charcoal is less painful.
I had my bags packed, but in the end, I didn’t go to meet him.
I tend to think negatively about everything, which I call being sufficiently worried, but it’s really just pessimism.
I’ve even thought about what would happen if I couldn’t find a job in the future and ended up homeless.
I know my parents have done everything for my sake, but I understand why I can’t muster any motivation; I feel so down and don’t want to do anything, so I don’t want them to spend money on me.
When they wanted to send me to tutoring classes, I refused and ended up having a big fight with them.
But I absolutely can’t tell them why my grades are poor and why I don’t want to go, as they would realize that my desire to live is very low, and I can’t say anything.
In the end, I was forced to go to tutoring classes, and I tried to focus, but I just couldn’t do it.
It feels pointless to waste money on someone like me.
I feel like every day is the same; I don’t want to live this miserable life anymore, but what would happen to my family if I died? They would be sad for me.
My mom has cancer; I can’t let them accompany me to hell!!! I even think about whether my next life will be just as miserable.
I want to call a suicide hotline, but I’m too scared.
I’ve told my classmates that I want to commit suicide, and they just think I’m being pessimistic or joking…? My mom knows I have some issues, but I will never let her know everything; I’m afraid she’ll worry.
Sometimes I really feel happy… the night is the most comforting time, as no one bothers me, and I wish I could sleep without waking up.

Yingwu, 10~19 year old female. Ask Date: 2021/09/17

Dr. Qiu Junda reply Psychiatry

Hello.
The text reveals long-term negative emotions and self-harming behaviors.
I hope you can cherish yourself, as your questions seem to indicate a desire for better mental and physical health.
It appears that you are also confused about self-identity.
I recommend that you consult a mental health professional as soon as possible.
If that is not convenient, please do not hesitate to utilize the suicide hotline you mentioned.
The Ministry of Health and Welfare has also established the 1925 hotline, which offers counseling, consultation, referral, and other services to help you address your concerns.

Reply Date: 2021/09/17

More Info

It sounds like you are going through a very challenging time, and I want to acknowledge the complexity of your feelings and experiences. Mental health struggles can be incredibly isolating and confusing, especially when they manifest in ways that seem contradictory, such as feeling both angry and sad, or having moments of happiness amidst overwhelming despair.
From what you've described, it seems you are experiencing a range of symptoms that could be indicative of several mental health issues, including anxiety, depression, and possibly elements of a dissociative disorder. Your feelings of irritability, the urge to isolate yourself, and the physical expressions of your anger (like hitting your head against the wall) are concerning and suggest that you may be struggling with emotional regulation. The auditory hallucinations you mentioned, such as hearing your name called when no one is there, could also be a sign of significant stress or anxiety, and it's important to take these experiences seriously.

It's understandable that you might feel hesitant to seek help, especially if you fear being judged or misunderstood. However, reaching out to a mental health professional could provide you with the support and guidance you need. Therapists and counselors are trained to help individuals navigate their feelings and can offer coping strategies tailored to your specific situation. They can also provide a safe space for you to express your thoughts without fear of judgment.

You mentioned that you sometimes think about suicide and have even prepared for it in the past. This is a serious matter, and I urge you to talk to someone who can help. If you ever feel that you might act on these thoughts, please reach out to a crisis hotline or a mental health professional immediately. Your life is valuable, and there are people who want to help you through this.

It's also important to recognize that your feelings of being a burden to your family, especially with your mother's health concerns, are common among individuals struggling with mental health issues. However, it's crucial to remember that your well-being matters. Your family would likely prefer to support you through your struggles rather than face the loss of you.
You mentioned that you enjoy being alone at night because it feels peaceful. While solitude can be comforting, it's essential to find a balance and not let it turn into isolation. Engaging with friends, even if it feels awkward, can provide a sense of connection that is vital for mental health.
In terms of practical steps, consider keeping a journal to express your thoughts and feelings. Writing can be a therapeutic outlet and may help you process your emotions. Additionally, practicing mindfulness or relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing or meditation, can help manage anxiety and improve your mood.

Lastly, I encourage you to explore the possibility of therapy. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is particularly effective for addressing negative thought patterns and developing healthier coping mechanisms. If you're concerned about confidentiality, know that mental health professionals are bound by strict privacy laws to protect your information.

In summary, you are not alone in your struggles, and there is help available. Taking the first step to reach out for support can be daunting, but it is a crucial move towards healing and understanding yourself better. Your feelings are valid, and you deserve to find peace and happiness in your life.

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