Should I Seek Therapy? Emotional Struggles and Family Impact - Psychiatry

I'm not sure if I should seek counseling?

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Hello, Doctor.
I would like to briefly summarize my past experiences regarding family and relationships: My parents often argued and fought when I was young, and they divorced when I was in elementary school.
Custody was granted to my father, but after he started a new relationship, he gradually became distant from me.
Initially, he would often not come home, and later, due to his girlfriend, it became more extreme, such as telling me not to call him and spending New Year's dinner with relatives instead.
Eventually, he moved in with his girlfriend, and I lost track of where he lived.

I believe my relationship issues are influenced by my family background, leading to excessive dependency (as I feel I have no family, and the only close person is my partner), a strong need for control, and an ability to create pressure on others, resulting in unsuccessful relationships.
Of course, my partners also had their issues, such as infidelity, family problems, and irresponsibility.
During the period when my father was often absent in high school, I later realized I exhibited signs of depression, such as feeling that life had no meaning and that no one would care if I died.
I was immersed in loneliness and dark emotions for a long time; I only discovered I needed to move after rainwater leaked onto my bed and caused mold.
I often sat in a corner crying and hesitated about whether to brake while riding my bike downhill.
My college years were much better than high school, but I still often felt conflicted and distressed about whether to visit my father.
On one hand, I wanted to go, but on the other hand, I felt like an outsider since he and his girlfriend formed a new family.
I don't know when it started, but I began to experience insomnia whenever something happened.
Consequently, I have sought treatment multiple times, and last year I took medication for autonomic nervous system dysfunction.
I mention counseling mainly because I feel my condition has worsened over the past few years, but there is no urgency or specific behavior prompting me to seek help.
For example:
1.
My temper and patience have deteriorated; sometimes I feel my emotional control is slipping.
For instance, during arguments with my ex-boyfriend, I occasionally became hysterical, and in more severe cases, I would start to pinch or hit myself.
My cat often meows, which can irritate me to the point of throwing things at him.
The frequency varies depending on the situation.
(While having emotions is normal, I feel a lack of control over them.
This has only occurred in recent years.) I also experience situations described in this article regarding rage, obsessive thinking, and compulsive thoughts.

2.
I have a strong sense of insecurity and a need for control.
When I am single, I do not fear loneliness; I can go shopping or watch movies alone.
However, once I have a boyfriend, I want to do everything together, and even when alone, I constantly think about him, even after dating for six months.
I am not afraid of breakups or loss, but I fear not knowing about things (not just in relationships, but in daily life as well).
3.
I wonder if my frequent thoughts of suicide during high school have left a lasting impact.
Even though I do not feel that impulse now, I occasionally think, "It would be better to die" or "Dying would be a relief," leaving me unsure if I am serious or if it has just become a catchphrase.
Recently, while passing by a river on my way to work, I found the scenery beautiful and my mood pleasant, yet I still had thoughts like, "I want to jump in."
4.
I easily become anxious and have some obsessive-compulsive tendencies.
When I am worried, I tend to ruminate before sleep and repeatedly check things that concern me.
Even when I know I have done something (like locking the door or turning off the stove), if I focus on it at that moment, I will check it repeatedly.
I feel the need to use the bathroom before sleeping, and even after going, I find myself getting up again until I finally fall asleep.
5.
After breaking up with my ex-boyfriend earlier this year (due to his family's excessive control, which prevented him from fulfilling promises, leading me to initiate the breakup), I have gradually noticed a reluctance to enter a new relationship.
I can appreciate attractive individuals, but when I start to imagine or think about further developments, I feel "disgusted," including recalling intimate actions with my ex-boyfriend (like hugging) that now make me feel repulsed.
I believe my family of origin has had a significant impact on me, affecting my personality and relationships.
I do not like the person I am now, such as my emotional instability and strong sense of insecurity.
The issues and impacts are not limited to what I have mentioned; my emotions also affect my physical health, leading to insomnia, stomach pain, and decreased appetite.
I hesitate to seek counseling mainly because the costs are not cheap.
While it is clear that I should seek help when my anxiety, depression, and insomnia worsen, I do not feel it is that severe in my daily life, and it does not significantly impact my life.
I am uncertain if my condition is normal and whether counseling is truly necessary.
I would appreciate your advice.
Thank you, Doctor.

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Shannon, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2021/10/03