Seeking Guidance: A Journey Through Mental Health Challenges

I would like to ask the doctor?

Hello, doctor.
I have been seeing a psychiatrist for over 20 years.
After experiencing trauma in my youth, I developed a mental illness and have been in treatment ever since.
I am a frequent visitor to the e-hospital in Taiwan, where I seek advice whenever I face indecision or frustration.
I understand that everyone has different perspectives, and naturally, opinions vary.
When I was 20, I was exempted from military service due to an adjustment disorder diagnosed by the military.
I have had my disability certificate for over 20 years.
In my younger years, I developed a fetish due to bullying, often wearing women's underwear and clothing in my room as a way to escape reality.
As I grew older, I faced a long period of hardship, scavenging for about ten years with an income of only a few thousand dollars a month, which was insufficient to cover my expenses.
Fortunately, I received a disability living allowance that helped me get by.
After experiencing various attitudes from former classmates during my difficult times, I have grown a little.
I also regret not completing my military service, which is similar to the regret of not getting married.
In my youth, I thought it was better to avoid it, but later I realized my mistake.
Even now, I occasionally have urges to engage in behaviors related to women's clothing.
Currently, I have a diagnosis of mild schizophrenia.
I have been working at a small cleaning company for about two years.
Although I sometimes arrive late due to oversleeping, my boss continues to give me opportunities, perhaps out of pity.
I worry about what I would do if I were to lose this job.
A couple of years ago, driven by impulse or envy, I enrolled in a civil service exam preparation course, and I am still continuing this year, although I have not studied much or only a little.
The reality is that I feel like I am just paying money to the prep course without any real benefit.
My supervisor treats me fairly well, often discussing various matters with me and providing guidance.
He advises me to be loyal to the company and do my best.
I take my work seriously, but my heart is not fully in it.
The reason is that if one day I were betrayed by my boss, I would be the one most hurt.
Currently, I only receive a basic salary, and to earn more, I need to acquire more skills.
I really struggle to multitask in the workplace.
I try hard to study at home, but I fear that I might break down, especially since I have a mental illness.
My supervisor often says that I tend to make excuses.
In reality, it’s a bit of both; I do have a tendency to make excuses, but I genuinely find it hard to manage multiple tasks.
Now, I have been diagnosed and am currently in quarantine.
I keep thinking about studying to become a civil servant, leveraging the principle of leverage.
However, there are many tedious and varied tasks to learn at the company.
The minimum monthly salary for a civil servant is just over 30,000 NTD, but to earn that in my current job, I would need to rely heavily on physical labor.
I am a cleaner and can only earn money through manual work.
I have considered that if I become too old to work, physical labor will not sustain me.
Currently, I am reflecting during my quarantine, but I feel quite lost and unable to come up with ideas.
My supervisor spoke to me a lot when I tested positive, advising me to think carefully during my quarantine.
I have never served in the military, and I feel my mental growth has been stunted, but I also recognize that not all military personnel are successful.
I truly desire to grow and no longer want to be like my younger self, who was bullied and immature.
My mother passed away over ten years ago, which adds to my regrets.
I know that I cannot expand my family in this lifetime, but at the very least, I want to live a life of progress.
As my supervisor said, I should act my age and not behave like a young student.
Thank you for your valuable advice, doctor.

Jason, 40~49 year old female. Ask Date: 2022/05/26

Dr. Wu Enliang reply Psychiatry

As we accumulate life experiences, we all continue to grow together.
Keep it up! Dr.
Wu En-Liang

Reply Date: 2022/05/26

More Info

Dear [Name],
Thank you for sharing your journey and the challenges you've faced over the years. It takes a lot of courage to open up about personal struggles, especially those related to mental health. Your experiences reflect a complex interplay of past trauma, current responsibilities, and aspirations for the future. Let’s explore some of the key themes in your message and consider ways to navigate your mental health challenges.

First, it’s important to acknowledge the impact of your past experiences, including bullying and the feelings of inadequacy that may have stemmed from it. These experiences can leave lasting scars and influence how we perceive ourselves and our capabilities. The feelings of regret regarding your military service and the choices you've made are also common among individuals who have faced significant life challenges. It’s crucial to recognize that while these feelings are valid, they do not define your worth or potential for growth.

You mentioned that you have been diagnosed with a mild form of schizophrenia and have been managing this condition for over 20 years. This long-term management can be exhausting, and it’s understandable that you might feel overwhelmed at times. It’s commendable that you have maintained employment for two years, despite the challenges you face. Your job provides structure and a sense of purpose, which are vital for mental well-being. However, it’s also clear that you are grappling with feelings of insecurity and fear of betrayal, which can hinder your ability to fully engage in your work.

Your desire to pursue a career in public service is admirable, and it reflects a wish for stability and a better future. However, the pressure to succeed in this area, especially while managing your mental health, can be daunting. It’s essential to set realistic goals for yourself. Instead of focusing solely on the end goal of becoming a public servant, consider breaking down the steps into smaller, manageable tasks. This approach can help reduce feelings of being overwhelmed and allow you to celebrate small victories along the way.

Additionally, your supervisor's encouragement to be loyal and dedicated to your job is valuable advice. Building a positive relationship with your supervisor can provide you with a support system at work. It’s also important to communicate openly about your challenges, as this can foster understanding and potentially lead to accommodations that can help you perform better.

You mentioned feeling like you are making excuses, which is a common self-reflection among individuals facing mental health challenges. It’s important to differentiate between valid reasons for your struggles and excuses. Acknowledging your limitations is not a sign of weakness; rather, it’s a step toward self-awareness and growth. It’s okay to recognize that you may not be able to juggle multiple responsibilities at once, especially when managing a mental health condition.

During your isolation period, take this time to reflect on your goals and aspirations. Journaling can be a helpful tool for processing your thoughts and emotions. Writing down your feelings can provide clarity and help you identify patterns in your thinking. You might also consider exploring mindfulness or relaxation techniques, which can help reduce anxiety and improve your overall mental health.

Lastly, seeking professional help is always a beneficial step. If you feel comfortable, consider discussing your feelings of regret, fear, and aspirations with a mental health professional. They can provide you with tailored strategies to cope with your emotions and help you work towards your goals in a supportive environment.

In conclusion, your journey is unique, and while it may feel challenging at times, remember that growth is a gradual process. Embrace the small steps you take towards improvement, and be gentle with yourself as you navigate this path. You have already shown resilience by seeking help and expressing your thoughts, which is a significant step forward.
Wishing you strength and clarity on your journey.

Best regards,
Doctor Q&A Teams

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