Feeling Exhausted? Emotional Struggles After a Divorce

Always feeling tired?

Dr.
Chen: Hello, I got married to a Vietnamese woman over a year ago, and I invested a lot of emotions into that relationship.
However, after she arrived in Taiwan, we had constant arguments, and within a month, we filed for divorce.
Since she returned to Vietnam, I find myself constantly thinking about her or recalling our conversations and the moments we shared, no matter what I do—working, eating, sleeping, or watching TV.
I’ve tried to forget her, but memories keep resurfacing.
Sometimes I try to keep myself busy, but it’s exhausting and not very effective.
I often question myself about what I did wrong and why she treated me this way.
I even struggle with how to seek another marriage.
On one hand, I know my parents are getting older and want grandchildren, and as their only son, I feel the pressure, especially when friends and neighbors ask about my situation.
I feel very down and don’t know what to do.
I also wonder if I should go back to Vietnam to marry again—would that be a form of compensation? Would it affect my future marriage? I hope you can help me resolve these inner doubts.
Thank you.

Ming, 30~39 year old female. Ask Date: 2004/03/29

Dr. Chen Guangpeng reply Psychiatry

Dear Ming,
When people lose their inner passions or loved ones, it is inevitable that they will experience a series of complex psychological reactions, commonly referred to in psychology as "grief responses." The various situations you are facing are quite typical symptoms.
As the saying goes, "Time is the wisest physician," which implies that this natural psychological response should normalize over time.
However, what is concerning about your situation is that your healing process has taken quite a long time (over a year), and there are still many uncertainties.
All of this points to one conclusion: you need professional counseling.
This will help you confront and resolve your current life issues, as well as assess whether you may be experiencing depression.
Such matters cannot be adequately addressed through indirect communication over the internet; you must seek resources nearby.
I have two suggestions for you to consider: Some city and county health departments have "mental health centers" that offer free professional consultations.
If that is not convenient, you may need to find a nearby hospital with a psychiatry (or psychosomatic) department that has a complete team for assistance.

I wish you a swift resolution to your emotional struggles and a clearer outlook ahead.

Reply Date: 2004/03/29

More Info

Hello, thank you for sharing your experience. It sounds like you are going through a very challenging time after your divorce, and it's completely understandable to feel overwhelmed by emotions and memories associated with your past relationship. The emotional struggles you are experiencing are common among individuals who have gone through significant life changes, such as a divorce.

Firstly, it's important to acknowledge that the feelings of sadness, confusion, and even regret you are experiencing are normal reactions to the end of a significant relationship. After a divorce, many people find themselves ruminating over past events, questioning their decisions, and feeling a sense of loss. This is often compounded by societal pressures, such as family expectations regarding marriage and children, which can add to your emotional burden.

The memories of your time with your ex-wife, including her voice and the experiences you shared, can resurface unexpectedly, making it difficult to move on. This phenomenon is known as intrusive memories, which are common in the aftermath of a breakup. They can be triggered by various stimuli, such as places, songs, or even conversations that remind you of your past relationship. While it may feel exhausting, it's essential to understand that this is a part of the healing process.

You mentioned trying to keep yourself busy to distract from these thoughts, but finding that it is not very effective. This is also a common experience. While staying busy can provide temporary relief, it often does not address the underlying emotions that need to be processed. Instead of solely focusing on distractions, it might be beneficial to allow yourself to feel and process these emotions. Journaling, talking to friends, or even seeking professional help can provide a safe space to explore your feelings without judgment.

Regarding your concerns about finding another partner and whether marrying again would be a form of compensation, it's crucial to take the time to heal before entering a new relationship. Jumping into another marriage without addressing the emotional wounds from your previous one can lead to repeating patterns and unresolved issues. It's essential to reflect on what you want in a future partner and relationship, ensuring that you are not seeking to fill a void left by your past.

The pressure from family and friends can also be overwhelming, especially as an only child. It’s important to communicate your feelings with them, letting them know that you are still processing your emotions and are not ready for another relationship. Setting boundaries can help alleviate some of the pressure you feel.

If you find that these feelings of sadness and confusion persist or worsen, it may be beneficial to seek professional help. A therapist can provide support and strategies to help you cope with your emotions and work through your feelings about the divorce. They can also assist you in developing a plan for moving forward in a healthy way.

In summary, it's essential to give yourself grace during this time. Healing from a divorce takes time, and it's okay to feel a range of emotions. Allow yourself to process these feelings, seek support when needed, and take the time to reflect on what you truly want in your life moving forward. Remember, it's a journey, and it's perfectly okay to take it one step at a time.

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