Emotional Infidelity and Its Impact on Marriage

Emotional infidelity

Dear Dr.
Chen,
Hello! I would like to ask some questions regarding marriage, fetishism, and emotional infidelity.
I have been married for over three years, but I was in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend for more than ten years before we got married.
We lived together for over six months before the wedding, during which I noticed some issues, but I didn't think much of them at the time.
It wasn't until more than three years into our marriage that I began to reflect on these matters.
After getting married, I discovered significant communication problems with my husband.
I often feel that he has a secret he doesn't want me to know, but I can't find out what it is.
Perhaps my concern and the way I ask questions have led to a cold atmosphere between us.
The first year of marriage was relatively normal, but our sexual activity has been far below what is typical for newlyweds (only twice a month), and it has decreased further to about three to four times a year, as he claims to have health issues.
He never initiates intimacy, and I know he has health problems, including hereditary hypertension and chronic back pain (he is only 36 years old).
He has been using traditional Chinese medicine for over six months.
Last August, my father passed away suddenly, which was a significant blow to me.
In June of last year, I discovered a flower delivery receipt addressed to a female colleague in his wallet, which led to a big argument.
He explained it was for a team member's birthday, and I accepted that explanation, but I still had lingering doubts.
For about six months, I was preoccupied with handling my father's estate and felt unsupported by him, which left me dissatisfied, but I let it go since my husband is not very talkative.
At the end of January this year, I discovered that my husband had been sending flowers, buying small cakes, and expensive gifts for that woman (I found receipts in his wallet that he had hidden).
This made me suspicious and caused him to become more upset, as he is very private.
Eventually, I found evidence of his infatuation with that woman, which he admitted but claimed it was just a momentary lapse and that he would not do it again.
He assured me he would only communicate with her regarding work matters, but I still found evidence of phone contact.
He acknowledged that it was emotional infidelity but still wants to maintain our marriage.
I accepted this but have been observing his behavior.
It has been a month since the incident, and I still feel troubled because I cannot sense his genuine concern for me.
I love flowers and small gifts, and I feel that if he truly cared for me, he would have made an effort to win my affection after this incident, but he has not shown any signs of that—only asking how I am doing afterward.
This leads me to believe he does not care much about me, especially since he continues to have contact with that woman.
Later, I discovered he has a fetish, as I found six or seven pairs of women's sexy high heels, thongs, and stockings neatly stored in his closet, all brand new and unopened, along with their receipts.
I suspect this behavior may have developed due to the stress he has been under over the past year.
I was very upset, especially after the flower incident, and I initially thought he was involved with another woman.
I confided in his older sister and brother-in-law, who were unaware of his fetish and thought it was just a harmless hobby.
They believe my concerns stem from his emotional infidelity and the gifts he gives to that woman, but I understand that the issue is not with me.
After I discovered these items, he was defensive and did not see how this was hurtful to me.
He believes I am overreacting due to the flower incident.
I want to help him, but perhaps he does not want me to know about his inner world.
I am considering giving up on this marriage but also want to help him.
He has disposed of the items, but I feel it was unnecessary.
I realize that when he is under pressure, he does not confide in anyone and resorts to buying women's items as a coping mechanism (possibly for self-pleasure, though I am unsure).
Our sexual encounters have become infrequent (I have tried to wear clothes he likes, but he seems indifferent), and his sexual needs and frequency have drastically changed since before our marriage.
I feel he prefers to communicate with others rather than with me and has shifted his sexual focus onto objects.
I am unsure how I can help him or whether I should help him while preserving this marriage, especially since he claims to need me.
However, I am confused as to why he would send flowers to someone he admires when I have not received any since our marriage.
He cannot provide a satisfactory explanation for this.
I would like your guidance on how to resolve this situation.
His sister and brother-in-law are also trying to salvage our marriage and are advising him, but they are not addressing the fetish aspect, focusing instead on the emotional infidelity.
I am uncertain whether he can truly stop all contact with that woman and cease his concern for her, as I have no way of verifying this since he is aware of my inquiries and will likely cover his tracks.
Thank you for taking the time to read my situation.
Please reply to me.
I am currently in Kaohsiung and would appreciate any recommendations for mental health professionals.
I have already consulted with a mental health clinic in Kaohsiung regarding this matter, but I would like to seek opinions from multiple doctors.
Thank you!
Sincerely,
Sunny

SUNNY, 30~39 year old female. Ask Date: 2005/02/25

Dr. Chen Wenke reply Psychiatry

I can sense your concern for your husband from your letter.
However, dealing with such matters online or during outpatient consultations can be quite challenging.
Regarding the issue of fetishism, based on your description, it is difficult to conclude that your husband has a fetishistic disorder.
Therefore, it may be more beneficial to focus on your own emotional issues rather than assuming he has a fetish.
Intimacy between couples should be a normal aspect of their relationship; if it cannot occur normally, that may be the root of the problem.
I cannot assess whether your husband is having an affair.
If you constantly center your life around such thoughts, it is likely to accumulate your distress and negatively impact your quality of life.
I suggest you try to readjust your focus in life and pay more attention to yourself.
Wishing you well.

Reply Date: 2005/02/25

More Info

Emotional infidelity can be a complex and painful issue in a marriage, often leading to feelings of betrayal, confusion, and insecurity. It appears that you are grappling with several intertwined concerns regarding your husband's behavior, including his emotional connection with another woman, his possible fetishism, and the overall state of your marriage.
Firstly, emotional infidelity typically refers to a situation where one partner forms a deep emotional connection with someone outside the marriage, which can include sharing intimate thoughts, feelings, and experiences that are usually reserved for the spouse. This can create a sense of betrayal, especially if one partner feels that their emotional needs are not being met within the marriage. In your case, it seems that your husband has acknowledged his emotional involvement with another woman, which understandably has caused you distress.
Communication is crucial in addressing these issues. It appears that there has been a breakdown in communication between you and your husband, which has led to misunderstandings and feelings of isolation. You mentioned that your husband has health issues, including hereditary hypertension and back pain, which may contribute to his emotional withdrawal and reduced sexual intimacy. Stress and physical discomfort can significantly impact a person's emotional availability and desire for intimacy. It might be beneficial for both of you to engage in open and honest conversations about your feelings, needs, and concerns.
Regarding the discovery of your husband's fetishism, it is essential to approach this topic with sensitivity. Fetishes can be a way for individuals to cope with stress or emotional challenges, and they do not necessarily indicate a lack of love or commitment to a partner. However, it is crucial for both partners to feel comfortable and respected in their relationship. If this aspect of his behavior is causing you distress, it is important to express your feelings and establish boundaries that work for both of you.

You mentioned that your husband has promised to stop contacting the other woman and has disposed of the items related to his fetish. While these actions may indicate a willingness to work on the marriage, it is essential to monitor his behavior over time. Trust is a fundamental component of any relationship, and rebuilding it may take time and effort from both partners.
Seeking professional help can be a valuable step in navigating these complex issues. Couples therapy can provide a safe space for both of you to express your feelings and work through your challenges with the guidance of a trained therapist. Additionally, individual therapy for both you and your husband may help address personal issues, such as emotional distress, communication difficulties, and coping strategies.

In summary, emotional infidelity and related issues can significantly impact a marriage. Open communication, professional support, and a willingness to understand each other's perspectives are crucial in addressing these challenges. It is essential to prioritize your emotional well-being while also considering the potential for healing and growth within your marriage. If you feel comfortable, seeking out multiple opinions from mental health professionals can provide you with a broader perspective and help you make informed decisions about your relationship.

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