My Mental Health Struggles: A Personal Journey

My illness?

I have a very serious problem.
First, let me explain my family situation.
My parents have a very impatient personality, and I am their only child, so their expectations for me are very high.
I feel the same way.
However, both my father and I are quite stubborn, which has led to frequent arguments—almost every two to three days—since I was young.
Each time, I tremble all over, crying and feeling wronged.
Two years ago, I realized that I exhibited some obsessive-compulsive behaviors, but they would usually improve after a week or two of rest.
Recently, I have experienced various minor symptoms that I am aware of, but they are not severe.
However, starting last week, I suddenly became completely numb to emotions, such as laughing or crying, as if there were no external stimuli.
I find myself questioning why I should laugh or feel sad.
When I think about it, I feel absolutely nothing.
I cannot immerse myself in stories or movies because I cannot feel anything.
Even worse, I struggle to understand basic concepts, like why 1 plus 1 equals 2.
I know it is 2, but it feels as if I have lost the ability to comprehend.
I cannot deeply grasp what 50 or 100 means; I just cannot accept it.
I am very anxious about how I have become this way.
I have sought medical help, but I find it difficult to articulate my condition to the doctor, making it hard for them to understand.
I have taken medications like Xanax, but they seem ineffective.
I am desperate for a detailed explanation and some insight into my situation.
Thank you.

p, 10~19 year old female. Ask Date: 2001/10/10

Dr. Liu Weimin reply Psychiatry

Dear Mr.
P,
Thank you for your letter.
We understand that being an only child can be challenging, as the excessive attention received from a young age can lead to significant burdens and stress.
Naturally, it can also be more difficult for parents of an only child to navigate these dynamics.

In reality, not everything in life needs to end in conflict.
I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive your father a bit more, considering your own mental and physical health.
It is truly not advisable to frequently experience emotional upheaval.
Your recent symptoms—such as feeling mentally blank, difficulty in thinking, lack of sensation, and diminished sense of reality—are physiological manifestations caused by intense anxiety and unease.
Generally speaking, there are no issues with your brain's neural function.
You are likely aware of the interplay between the mind and body.
I encourage you to cultivate a sense of calm, reduce complaints, and practice gratitude.
These symptoms can naturally alleviate over time.
Medication can also be beneficial for you, but it requires patience.
I recommend discussing your situation further with your physician, and I believe you will see improvement soon.
Wishing you well,
Dr.
Liu

Reply Date: 2001/10/10

More Info

Understanding mental health struggles can be a complex and deeply personal journey, especially when it involves family dynamics, personal expectations, and the pressures of growing up. From your description, it seems you are navigating a challenging landscape of emotions and experiences that have led to feelings of numbness and disconnection from your surroundings.
Firstly, it’s important to acknowledge the impact that your family environment has had on your mental health. Growing up as an only child with high expectations from parents, particularly in a context where there is frequent conflict, can create a significant amount of stress and anxiety. The emotional turbulence you described, including the frequent arguments with your father, can lead to a heightened state of emotional reactivity, where feelings of fear, sadness, or frustration become overwhelming. This environment may have contributed to the development of obsessive-compulsive behaviors, as individuals often seek to exert control over their surroundings when they feel powerless in other areas of their lives.

The symptoms you are experiencing now, such as emotional numbness and a sense of disconnection from reality, are concerning and may indicate a deeper psychological issue. This state of feeling "flat" or emotionally blunted can be associated with several mental health conditions, including depression, anxiety disorders, or even dissociative symptoms. It’s not uncommon for individuals under significant stress to experience a disconnection from their emotions as a coping mechanism. This can manifest as a feeling of being an observer in one’s own life, where you understand concepts intellectually but cannot connect with them emotionally.

Your mention of feeling unable to engage with stories or movies, and the struggle to grasp even basic mathematical concepts like "1 + 1 = 2," suggests a cognitive overload or a form of dissociation. This can happen when the mind is overwhelmed by stress or trauma, leading to a temporary shutdown of emotional and cognitive processing. It’s a protective mechanism, albeit one that can be distressing and confusing.

In terms of treatment, it’s crucial to communicate openly with your healthcare provider about your symptoms. If you find it difficult to articulate your feelings, consider writing them down before your appointment. This can help ensure that you convey the depth of your experiences. Medications like Xanax can be helpful for anxiety in the short term, but they may not address the underlying issues you are facing. A comprehensive treatment plan may include therapy, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), which can help you process your emotions and develop coping strategies.

Additionally, exploring mindfulness practices or grounding techniques can be beneficial. These practices encourage you to reconnect with your body and emotions, helping to alleviate feelings of numbness. Engaging in activities that promote self-expression, such as art or journaling, can also provide an outlet for your feelings and help you reconnect with your sense of self.

Lastly, it’s essential to prioritize self-care and seek support from trusted friends or mental health professionals. You deserve to be heard and understood, and there are resources available to help you navigate this difficult time. Remember, reaching out for help is a sign of strength, and you are not alone in this journey.

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