Overcoming Childhood Trauma: A Journey Through Autism and Anxiety - Psychiatry

Individuals with autism may struggle with social interactions and often experience anxiety in situations where they feel threatened or judged?

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I feel like an idiot, constantly being bullied.
I've been very introverted since childhood, and others have said I have autism.
In elementary school, my teacher publicly criticized me for being too well-behaved, which made me cry.
When I was young, my parents sold fish and took me along while being chased by the police.
In elementary school, I was extorted by a group of people in the park, which terrified me to the point of being dazed.
I didn't even speak when I was hit by a car from behind; it felt the same as being hit.
After entering junior high, I became very overweight.
My classmates called me introverted, "big belly," smelly, and said I snored.
There were many delinquents in my class who were noisy, extorting and fighting, and even the female teacher wouldn't teach.
When a male teacher came in, he wanted me to take on a leadership role.
I didn't want to, so he told me to take care of myself, saying my family was the most suitable for it.
I thought things would change when I grew up.
I mentioned that I couldn't hear well in class, but the teacher said it was just psychological and that I should go to the hospital for a check-up.
During the sports day, I was told by the teacher to switch uniforms with a student named Li Jiayi, which felt like an insult.
I said I couldn't run, and the teacher assured me I wouldn't have to run, but then made me stay in the classroom to clean.
I was in a bad mood at that time and threw chalk in the classroom.
I was bullied by classmates, and the teacher only said not to bully others or let others bully me.
When I told my parents I wanted to transfer schools, my father just said that prison is darker (he had been imprisoned for gambling and disturbing the peace).
In junior high, while playing badminton, I accidentally hit a classmate and was told I had to compensate.
Later, I transferred to a vocational class in junior high, but it was still the same teacher, and I couldn't escape this environment.
In high school, I was elected as the discipline officer, but due to my previous experiences, I didn't refuse.
However, because I was introverted, I was afraid to manage, and the teacher said I was just a figurehead.
I didn't want to attend civic training, but the instructor said I thought I could avoid military service.
One night, I was hit by a motorcycle during class, and I didn't say anything.
After graduation, I didn't pursue further education or work.
When my grandmother passed away and we held the funeral, relatives commented on my obesity.
During the funeral, they said I should go too.
While waiting for military service at a computer training center, after moving, I needed to call to set up the internet.
The community chairperson, who lived downstairs, overheard me and started spreading rumors about me conspiring to bring people over.
When a car broke down downstairs, they also spread rumors that I was responsible for it.
I felt very anxious and scared.
Later, due to my physical condition, I was assigned to alternative military service and during training at Chenggong Ridge, my fellow alternative service members told me not to snore, or they would stuff socks in my mouth, saying I should eat well and take it easy.
They called me smelly and reported me to the counseling officer, who scolded me and told me to take a shower, asking what I learned there.
During the selection for military service, I forgot to bring my documents.
Those with college degrees were selected first, and I could only choose from what was left.
I chose the Taipei City Police Department, but I was disqualified due to my physical condition.
They said I couldn't even speak properly.
I explained that my documents were at home, and the police said if they were at home, then they were at home, and I couldn't even speak yet wanted to be selected.
Eventually, I ended up with the last remaining unit, the 5th Security Brigade, which is responsible for riot control and requires physical training in Kaohsiung, while my home is in Taipei.
When I arrived at the Kaohsiung Renwu Camp, my superiors said I seemed strange, not talking or interacting with others, and they initially intended to discipline me.
In Kaohsiung, there were only twenty people from north of Taichung, and I was constantly criticized for being a "Taipei person." They said Taipei people are mute, don't apologize when stepping on others, take things without asking, and that we also need to eat and can take breaks.
There were even people trying to climb over the wall during guard duty, remembering my name and telling me not to report anything.
After six months of training, I was transferred to Gangshan Camp, where I assisted a female police officer with personnel duties.
I was happy to work on the computer and sent her a text thanking her for her care and wishing her a Merry Christmas.
The female police officer scolded me, saying the deputy hadn't told me how much care I was receiving and that phone calls were free.
After hearing this, I told my old deputy that the female officer was very angry.
I spoke to my old deputy in Taiwanese, saying the female officer mentioned that the deputy hadn't told me that I should be cared for and not to write again.
I mistakenly said something wrong at that time, and my deputy said she was right; she didn't like it, so I shouldn't write again.
Later, the female officer privately told me that I should have said something earlier; she thought I wouldn't write again.
She said young people think it's nothing, but she minded it, and I shouldn't feel sad or depressed.
I also would mind it, and I really shouldn't assist with internal affairs.
At that time, I agreed.
Later, I asked her if she still wanted me as her assistant, and she said I wasn't supposed to tell the deputy.
I asked if she didn't trust me, and she said no, I was doing well.
As a result, I told the deputy, and when I returned, she replaced me.
If there was something, they would call me.
When the computer broke, they wondered if someone had damaged it.
I was also bumped from behind while leaning on the railing.
I wouldn't lend money, and if I borrowed money for transportation, no one would lend it to me.
From that point on, I kept walking around, constantly thinking.
I felt there was something wrong with my mental state and told my superiors I wanted psychological counseling.
They asked if I was overthinking things, saying why think so much, and threw a bunch of hurtful comments at me.
They said if you can't even support yourself, how can you support others? I wasn't taller or more handsome than anyone else.
I thought about suicide and jumping off a building.
Later, I was not kept in internal affairs and was transferred to external duties, constantly being moved around.
At the police station, I witnessed gunfights, car accidents, fires, thefts, robberies, assaults, disturbances, drunkenness, domestic violence, protests, inspections, and the dark side of society often shown on TV.
Whenever there was a report, I had to go, which made me very scared.
I was even spat on, burned, kicked, and beaten.
They said I looked useless as a big guy, helping with the computer, and called me a waste.
When the computer broke, they said I wouldn't be able to fake it.
In external duties, there were alternative service members trying to give me drugs, and outside, someone asked me if I wanted to pick up women, which scared me.
I was also threatened by police officers at the station, saying they could pin cases on me, making comments about my appearance and saying I was deliberately causing trouble and didn't want to work, telling me to take leave.
They joked that I thought the daughter of Chen Shui-bian would marry me or that the chairman's daughter would marry me in my next life.
They mentioned issues like Oedipus complex and lack of maternal love.
I felt like a real fool, losing my bulletproof vest and having to compensate for it, being forced to take three days off.
I wanted to return to the camp, but my superiors told me to compensate, and police officers were warned.
They said it was freer outside, but when I returned, I had to train.
I didn't want to stay at the police station, so I walked around outside every night, and everyone said I was strange.
I followed the duty roster but was still called a fool.
My mind kept replaying the same words and events.
Even after discharge, it remained the same.
I went to stay with my sister, working at a factory where I had to stand for twelve hours without rest for four days, with no time off or year-end bonuses.
I worked one day standing for twelve hours, constantly being yelled at, and my mind kept thinking about the past.
Then Carrefour asked me to go, but when I went, they didn't want me.
It has been over two years now, and I still can't find a job.
I received many calls asking me to apply, but there were no company names, and the locations were very remote.
They said they wanted to hide and not let people know, and it wasn't like they were asking me to sell anything.
I was also very afraid of being scammed.
When I went out, people looked at me and said I was strange.
At home, my mom talks to me in a condescending manner, which I can't stand.
My dad left home with another woman and then came back.
I feel like I'm constantly being bullied, played with, scammed, and pushed around, which makes me very frustrated.
I feel very anxious and scared psychologically.
I don't know what to do, and I keep having thoughts of stealing, robbing, killing, and hitting people, but I don't dare to act on them.

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Xiao Ming, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2007/09/08