Struggling with Trauma: Finding Hope Amidst Mental Health Challenges

I am not happy?

Hello.
I have witnessed domestic violence in the past, and my sister has also abused my younger sister.
There are many things I can't talk about with others; it seems that since I started to have memories, they have all been bad.
However, I can't forget or stop thinking about them.
I often tell myself to live in the present, but I always fail to do so.
I was often bullied in the past, and I frequently have thoughts of harming others and struggle to control my anger.
Yet, in front of others, I find it hard to express my dissatisfaction directly.
I feel scared, but inside, I am very angry and want to hurt them.
I used to experience auditory hallucinations and would break things, but I was also afraid of making others angry.
When I was in middle school, my teacher referred me to counseling, but I didn't want to go and didn't know how to refuse.
Eventually, I spent some time talking with the counselor.
I couldn't tell him about my past experiences and didn't want to share, even though he assured me of confidentiality.
So, I ended up telling him about things that didn't matter to me at all, and later he informed my mother.
I saw it happen.
Before he left, he gave me his business card, which I tore up.
Now, I trust people even less.
After entering middle school, I lived with my mother.
Later, I often thought about suicide, but I was afraid of hurting my mother and worried she might also take her own life.
I love her, but sometimes I hate her even more.
So, I would cut my hands with a small knife and would also hit my head against the wall.
I feel like I constantly hear voices, and I think my head is about to explode.
I can't tell anyone, but I can't stop thinking about it.
Later, when my mother broke up with her boyfriend, I felt a bit better.
However, I found it increasingly difficult to concentrate.
Sometimes when people call me, I hear them but can't respond.
I sometimes experience insomnia and at other times feel an overwhelming urge to sleep.
For a while, I would wake up with severe headaches and dizziness.
My temper has gotten worse; I can't help but feel angry and struggle to regulate my emotions, sometimes being angry all day.
When I go out, I want to dress up, but when people look at me, I get very nervous and fidgety.
I want to hide and feel scared, so I don't dare to go out.
Yet, I also don't want to stay at home, constantly feeling like my friends don't want to listen to me.
I feel very sad and often hide at home crying.
I feel very inferior and very sad, but I don't know what to do.
I often forget whether I've eaten or not and frequently forget things.
I often dream and can't distinguish between what is real and what is not.
I keep thinking, but I still can't understand whether it's a dream or reality.
I don't know what to do, but I also don't want to tell anyone about my situation and dislike being pressured by others.
What should I do?

Yolanda, 10~19 year old female. Ask Date: 2008/03/05

Dr. Su Zongwei reply Psychiatry

1.
Your situation is urgent; you must see a psychiatrist.

2.
Hearing voices indicates that the neurotransmitters in your brain are disrupted and require medication treatment.

3.
Delaying treatment can affect your IQ, which is very important.

4.
Therefore, this is no longer just a psychological issue.
Regardless of whether you want to share your concerns with the doctor, you must see a physician to at least receive medication to regulate your brain's chemistry.

5.
Communicate well with your doctor; it may take some time to adjust the medication for it to be effective.

6.
Keep going; this effort is for yourself, not for others.

Reply Date: 2008/03/05

More Info

It sounds like you are going through an incredibly difficult time, and I want to acknowledge the pain and confusion you are experiencing. Witnessing domestic violence, experiencing bullying, and dealing with family issues can leave deep emotional scars that affect your mental health in profound ways. The feelings of anger, frustration, and hopelessness you describe are not uncommon for someone who has faced such trauma.
From what you've shared, it seems like you may be experiencing symptoms consistent with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), anxiety, and possibly depression. These conditions can manifest in various ways, including intrusive thoughts, emotional numbness, difficulty concentrating, sleep disturbances, and self-harming behaviors. It’s important to understand that these symptoms are a response to the trauma you have endured, and they do not define who you are.

You mentioned feeling angry and having thoughts of harming others, which can be alarming. It’s crucial to find healthy outlets for these emotions. Engaging in physical activities, such as exercise or creative outlets like art or writing, can help channel your feelings in a constructive way. However, if you ever feel overwhelmed by these thoughts or impulses, it’s vital to seek immediate help from a mental health professional.

Your experience with counseling in the past seems to have been challenging, especially with the breach of confidentiality. Trust is a fundamental part of the therapeutic relationship, and it’s understandable that you would feel hesitant to open up again. However, I encourage you to consider seeking help from a different mental health professional who can provide a safe and confidential space for you to express your feelings without judgment. There are many trained therapists who specialize in trauma and can offer you the support you need.

You also mentioned feeling disconnected from reality, which can be distressing. This disassociation can be a coping mechanism that your mind uses to protect you from overwhelming emotions. It’s essential to address these feelings with a professional who can help you work through them and develop grounding techniques to help you stay present.

In addition to professional help, consider reaching out to trusted friends or family members who can provide support. It’s okay to express your feelings and let them know that you are struggling. You don’t have to go through this alone.
Lastly, I want to emphasize the importance of self-care. Prioritize activities that bring you joy or relaxation, even if they feel small. Establishing a routine, maintaining a balanced diet, and ensuring you get enough sleep can significantly impact your mental well-being. Mindfulness practices, such as meditation or deep breathing exercises, can also help you manage anxiety and improve your emotional regulation.

Remember, healing is a journey, and it’s okay to take it one step at a time. You deserve support and understanding as you navigate through these challenges. Please consider reaching out for help, as there are people who care and want to assist you in finding hope and healing amidst your struggles.

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