Navigating Loneliness: Finding Self-Worth Amid Emotional Turmoil

The feeling of loneliness?

I have conflicting emotions; I want to build good relationships and be well-liked, but sometimes when I interact warmly with others, I fear: what if it’s gone tomorrow? It feels a bit like worrying unnecessarily, yet it’s a genuine emotion.
Even after having a great interaction with someone today, I might avoid eye contact or try to dodge them the next day because I’m afraid—what if they become distant? That thought exhausts me.
I am a kind and considerate person, yet I can easily get hurt because I invest a lot but realize I don’t receive the same level of return.
Sometimes I wonder: am I giving because I expect something in return? That thought makes me feel guilty.
For example, I always wish others a happy birthday, write cards, and send messages, but I also think: am I expecting the same treatment in return? I treat others with the hope they will treat me similarly, but often I end up disappointed because they don’t value me as much as I value them.
Sometimes, I find myself fluctuating with other people's emotions and expressions, and I even worry about their problems, trying to help find solutions.
I wonder if this is a form of people-pleasing? I really hope that when I face difficulties, others will extend a helping hand to me as well, so I struggle to accept that I don’t do the same for myself.
This often leads to neglecting my own needs and becoming a pushover, which doesn’t necessarily make me happy.
I think I’m afraid of getting hurt, yet it feels like I’m preparing myself to be hurt.

Sometimes, I feel unworthy, like: why do I treat others so thoughtfully but can’t seem to connect with them as easily as they do with others? I often feel abandoned and undervalued, constantly needing external validation, encouragement, and praise—wanting to hear that I’m doing well and that I’m great.
How can I cultivate my own strength and vitality to live for myself rather than always expecting to be valued by others? After all, I cannot control how others behave.
I hope to find the strength to be happy.

SOI, 30~39 year old female. Ask Date: 2010/11/19

Dr. Ding Shuyan reply Psychiatry

Hello, one thing you can be sure of is that you are a very kind person.
In this society, people like you may occasionally feel taken advantage of or perceive that others do not reciprocate our kindness, but ultimately, your benefactors will gradually appear, and your troubles will diminish over time, so there is no need to feel discouraged.
We often hope to perform well, whether in our own expectations or in the eyes of others, which is quite natural.
This is why people say we should speak positively and encourage others, as we also wish for the same treatment in return.
The issue is that everyone in this world has different personalities and perspectives; what we consider good may seem ordinary or even insignificant to someone else.
Everyone has their own concerns and worries, and while we hope for others to care about us, they too have their own troubles that occupy their attention.
More often than not, the timing and atmosphere are not right; for example, when we need encouragement and praise from others, they might be preoccupied with a family member's illness.
The harsh reality this statement conveys is that everyone is primarily concerned about themselves.
This should not be disheartening; in fact, we should feel at ease.
If everyone were to selflessly care for and help us without any reservations, it would not be a good thing.
Such emotional debts and constant pressures can trap us and strip away our autonomy, which is something worth contemplating.
The best strategy is to maintain a calm mindset, help others, and then quietly step away without expecting any results or responses.
This way, we won't invest too much emotion or expectation when helping others; we simply help, and this sense of freedom is far better than receiving thanks from others.
If you are still young, you might explore inspirational books or biographies of great historical figures.
In terms of medicine, you can search online for information related to anxiety disorders and depression; there are also some useful tips for cognitive therapy! Wishing you all the best, Dr.
Ding Shuo-Yan.

Reply Date: 2010/11/19

More Info

Navigating loneliness and finding self-worth amid emotional turmoil can be a challenging journey, especially when you are caught in a cycle of seeking validation from others while feeling vulnerable and unappreciated. It’s important to recognize that these feelings are common and can stem from various psychological and emotional factors.

Firstly, it’s crucial to understand that the desire for connection is a fundamental human need. However, when this need becomes intertwined with fear of abandonment or rejection, it can lead to a paradox where you both crave relationships and simultaneously fear them. This fear can manifest in avoidance behaviors, such as shying away from interactions after a positive experience, as you worry about the potential for negative outcomes. This cycle can be exhausting and can lead to feelings of inadequacy and loneliness.

Your tendency to give a lot to others while expecting similar treatment in return can create a sense of imbalance in your relationships. It’s natural to want reciprocity in friendships, but when this expectation is unmet, it can lead to feelings of disappointment and resentment. It’s essential to reflect on your motivations for giving. Are you giving to feel good about yourself, or are you genuinely wanting to support others? Understanding this can help you shift your focus from seeking validation to nurturing genuine connections.

Moreover, the feelings of being undervalued or unappreciated can be exacerbated by a lack of self-affirmation. It’s vital to cultivate self-worth that is independent of external validation. This can be achieved through self-reflection and self-compassion. Consider keeping a journal where you write down your achievements, positive qualities, and moments that made you feel proud. This practice can help reinforce your sense of self-worth and remind you that you are valuable, regardless of how others perceive you.

Additionally, it’s important to recognize that everyone has their struggles and may not always be able to reciprocate your kindness or attention. People are often preoccupied with their own issues, which can lead to unintentional neglect of others’ needs. This doesn’t diminish your worth or the value of your contributions; rather, it highlights the complexity of human relationships.

To build resilience against feelings of loneliness and inadequacy, consider engaging in activities that promote self-care and self-discovery. This could include pursuing hobbies, exercising, or volunteering—activities that not only enhance your well-being but also connect you with others in a more meaningful way. Surrounding yourself with supportive individuals who appreciate you for who you are can also help foster a sense of belonging.

If you find that these feelings of loneliness and emotional turmoil persist, seeking professional help can be a beneficial step. A therapist can provide a safe space to explore these feelings, help you develop coping strategies, and guide you in building healthier relationships.

In conclusion, navigating loneliness and finding self-worth is a journey that requires patience and self-compassion. By focusing on self-affirmation, understanding your motivations for giving, and engaging in fulfilling activities, you can cultivate a stronger sense of self-worth that is less dependent on external validation. Remember, it’s okay to seek help and support along the way, and taking small steps towards self-acceptance can lead to significant changes in your emotional landscape.

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