Overcoming the Burden of Comparison: Finding Self-Acceptance and Joy

Severe weakness?

I feel like I've tried many ways, but I still can't escape the curse of "comparison." It's so natural to see others shining brightly and easily notice their strengths and good qualities, which ends up making me envious.
"The wisdom of others can be used to enrich myself, but it should never be used to belittle myself; the success of others can inspire me, but it should not be used to torment myself." These two statements are so good and make so much sense, yet I still continuously torment myself.
I know that comparing myself makes me unhappy, and I know rationally that everyone is unique, but emotionally, whenever I see that I fall short compared to others, I feel a constant sense of loss.
Unfortunately, I can't seem to control this bad habit that feels almost addictive.
Even when I go outdoors to travel, I still think to myself, "I just can't be happy." If I were to express this to my travel companions, they would surely think, "What do you want then?" So, outdoor activities can't even lift my spirits; everything feels so powerless, and I can't muster any motivation.
It seems like my "rational" mind is always analyzing.
I wish I could believe in the power of faith in God, that I could overcome everything as long as I have faith, that nothing is impossible.
But why? If this is what I want, why do I still rationally feel that it's not possible? Believing this way feels like just self-hypnosis—hypnotizing myself to comfort myself that everything is fine.
Even if it is self-hypnosis, if it could make everything better, then what's wrong with that? So why can't I think of myself that way? I feel like I've put in so much effort to improve myself, to be more vibrant and not so lifeless, yet somehow I seem to be going in the opposite direction.
I really want to believe that with faith, everything is possible.
I want to replace my current mindset and stop always thinking that nothing is possible because I always end up thinking, "Oh! That's impossible.
Can I really do it? Can I be different?" My mind keeps repeating these phrases.
How can someone be so hard on themselves? But I also don't understand why.
I don't know how to love myself; wouldn't it be better to be a bit selfish? I sincerely ask for your advice, guidance, or direction.
Thank you; I really want to be different because I'm so tired.

spur, 30~39 year old female. Ask Date: 2011/08/21

Dr. Lin Junyuan reply Psychiatry

Hello Spur, it's indeed quite distressing to have such repetitive thoughts every day! However, your struggles are not unique! In fact, the people we know or even those we don't often evoke feelings of envy in us.
You mentioned that you tend to focus on the strengths of others; I suggest you consider shifting that perspective onto yourself.
Try writing down one positive thing about yourself each day, whether it's related to your appearance, how you handle situations, or compliments you've received from others.
After a month, look back at what you've written, and you'll realize that even ordinary people like us possess many wonderful qualities! Additionally, we can also direct our attention to those who are less fortunate than ourselves, which can help us recognize how much we actually have.
With the resources we possess, we can also think about helping others, which may alleviate the sense of "powerlessness" you mentioned! Wishing you all the best!

Reply Date: 2011/08/21

More Info

Overcoming the burden of comparison and finding self-acceptance is a journey that many individuals struggle with, and it is commendable that you are seeking to address these feelings. The tendency to compare ourselves to others is deeply ingrained in human nature, often driven by societal expectations and personal insecurities. However, it is essential to recognize that this habit can lead to a cycle of negativity, self-doubt, and unhappiness.

Firstly, it is crucial to understand that comparison is often a thief of joy. When we focus on what others have or achieve, we tend to overlook our own strengths and accomplishments. This can create a distorted view of ourselves, leading to feelings of inadequacy. A helpful strategy to combat this is to practice gratitude. Each day, take a moment to reflect on what you appreciate about yourself and your life. This could be anything from personal achievements, relationships, or even simple pleasures. Keeping a gratitude journal can be an effective way to reinforce positive thinking and shift your focus away from comparison.

Moreover, it is important to recognize that everyone has their unique journey. The success of others does not diminish your worth or potential. Instead of viewing others' achievements as a benchmark for your own self-worth, consider them as inspiration. Ask yourself what you can learn from their experiences rather than feeling envious. This shift in perspective can help you cultivate a more positive mindset and reduce the emotional burden of comparison.

Another effective approach is to limit exposure to social media or environments that trigger feelings of inadequacy. Social media platforms often present a curated version of reality, where individuals showcase their best moments. This can create unrealistic standards and exacerbate feelings of comparison. By taking breaks from social media or curating your feed to include more positive and uplifting content, you can create a healthier mental space.

Additionally, self-acceptance is a critical component of overcoming the burden of comparison. This involves recognizing and embracing your imperfections and understanding that nobody is perfect. Engage in self-compassion practices, where you treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a friend. When negative thoughts arise, challenge them by asking if you would say the same to someone you care about. This can help you develop a more compassionate inner dialogue.

It is also beneficial to set personal goals that are aligned with your values and interests rather than those influenced by external comparisons. Focus on your growth and progress, and celebrate your achievements, no matter how small. This can help you build a sense of purpose and fulfillment that is independent of others' successes.

Lastly, consider seeking professional guidance if these feelings persist. A therapist or counselor can help you explore the underlying causes of your comparison tendencies and provide strategies tailored to your needs. They can assist you in developing healthier coping mechanisms and fostering a more positive self-image.

In conclusion, overcoming the burden of comparison and finding self-acceptance is a process that requires patience and practice. By focusing on gratitude, limiting exposure to triggers, embracing self-compassion, setting personal goals, and seeking professional support, you can cultivate a more positive relationship with yourself. Remember, the journey to self-acceptance is unique for everyone, and it is okay to take the time you need to find joy in your own life.

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