Overcoming Comparison: Finding Happiness Beyond Academic Pressure

Q: Overcoming Comparison: Finding Happiness Beyond Academic Pressure

Hello Soul： First, I want to apologize for the delay in my response, which has been a month and a half. <br>Regarding how to regain motivation in life, you have already provided your own answer—you mentioned that you only feel happy when you are in class or spending time with chi

Comparative unhappiness?

Hello Doctor: A few days ago, I read a news article discussing how comparing oneself to friends can lead to unhappiness, especially for those who feel uncertain about themselves.
It mentioned that the best approach is to be content and not blame external circumstances.
I have been struggling with this lately because I am a wandering teacher who has been preparing for exams for seven years.
Most of my classmates are public-funded students who have graduated from graduate school, gotten married, and received salary increases.
This makes it harder for me to envision my future.
I know that it's not that others are doing well that makes me sad; rather, it's my own perception of not doing well enough.
The thoughts I can't change are what hold me back.
If I could shift my mindset, the world would open up for me! However, I find it difficult to do so.
I know I need to change my situation, so I should muster the energy to take action for change.
In the past, I would find interest in exam questions and was willing to spend time studying, but now, despite working harder, my exam results don’t necessarily improve.
There were years when I studied hard but still performed poorly, and I feel stuck in a cycle of inertia.
I lack the motivation to study, and whenever I think about leaving my family, I realize that even part-time teaching pays better than what recent graduates earn, and I could use that time to study.
My family's expectations are also a reason I hesitate to take risks, and the greater their expectations, the more pressure I feel.
Sometimes, the exams themselves aren't even the biggest source of stress.
I have seen a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with adjustment disorder.
I think to myself—if I could just eliminate the "exams," I would feel good about my relationships with family and friends.
My real issue is the pressure that exams bring.
I know that if I could remove that, things would be better.
However, I have tried changing paths, only to end up back in the same situation, preparing for teacher certification exams.
Many people are preparing for both paths, and I have no confidence in my ability to enter the general job market.
I feel like I've lost the courage to try, like a frog in boiling water! I don't know what to do, especially when I see friends advancing in their careers with great benefits while I feel stuck, barely making ends meet.
My mood worsens, and I feel like I'm in a rut.
I want to know how I can muster the courage to either stop taking exams or, at 30 years old, how I can still be true to myself.
I just don’t know how to empower myself.
I have bought books on cognitive behavioral therapy and understand that I need to avoid irrational thoughts.
I also read self-help books, but my mood seems to be getting worse.
Perhaps it's because I don't know how to apply what I've learned effectively? I have no motivation to face exams, but when I teach, I can still be very dedicated and prepare well.
I find that teaching is the only time I feel truly happy (maybe because it gives me a sense of accomplishment and being valued?).
However, sometimes the more joyful I feel, the more I fear losing those opportunities to interact with children in the future.
After years of exams, I feel like I'm always being judged, which is increasingly difficult to bear, and I worry about not being selected for substitute teaching.
Others might find it amusing that I, with so much experience, still fear teaching trials.
Even the doctor said that being able to substitute teach for so many years means I can do it, but I still feel inadequate.
I went to see a doctor who prescribed Inderal, saying it would help reduce my anxiety.
He mentioned that I need to think positively and that I don't necessarily need to keep seeing him.
I just can't seem to let go of my worries.
I recall a young person in an interview saying, "What do you do when life is exhausting? Focus on the happy things, and it won't feel so tiring!" At such a young age, he said something so profound.
I feel like I need to stop being so hard on myself.
How can I regain my motivation for life? I sincerely ask for your advice.
Thank you.

soul, 30~39 year old female. Ask Date: 2010/06/01

Dr. Chen Yuying reply Psychiatry

Hello Soul: First, I want to apologize for the delay in my response, which has been a month and a half.
Regarding how to regain motivation in life, you have already provided your own answer—you mentioned that you only feel happy when you are in class or spending time with children.
Isn't that the source of your motivation in life right now? I would suggest that you focus your thoughts on this place where you find joy, experience it, and enjoy it.
As the wonderful teacher in front of the children, whether you should continue pursuing teaching certification or switch careers involves many considerations: including your personality, the pressures of economic reality, and the expectations of your family or your own aspirations.
It may be difficult to provide a suitable answer directly from online text.
Perhaps seeking career counseling (from a school or a private counseling center) would better address your concerns and needs.
Wishing you all the best, Dr.
Chen.

Reply Date: 2010/06/01

More Info

Overcoming the negative effects of comparison, especially in the context of academic pressure, is a significant challenge many individuals face. Your situation resonates with a common struggle: the feeling of inadequacy when comparing oneself to peers who seem to be achieving more. This comparison often leads to a cycle of self-doubt and anxiety, which can be debilitating.
First and foremost, it's essential to recognize that comparison is a natural human tendency, but it can be detrimental to mental health. The key to overcoming this is to shift your focus from what others are doing to what you can control—your own actions and mindset. Here are several strategies that may help you find happiness beyond academic pressure:
1. Practice Self-Compassion: Understand that everyone has their own journey, and it's okay to be where you are. Instead of criticizing yourself for not achieving what others have, practice self-kindness. Acknowledge your efforts and recognize that your worth is not solely defined by your academic achievements.

2. Set Personal Goals: Instead of measuring your success against others, set personal goals that are meaningful to you. These goals should be specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-bound (SMART). Focus on your progress towards these goals rather than how you stack up against your peers.

3. Mindfulness and Gratitude: Engage in mindfulness practices to help you stay present and reduce anxiety about the future. Additionally, cultivating gratitude can shift your focus from what you lack to what you have. Consider keeping a gratitude journal where you write down things you are thankful for each day.

4. Limit Social Media Exposure: Social media can exacerbate feelings of inadequacy as people often showcase only their successes. Consider taking a break from social media or curating your feed to include positive influences that inspire rather than discourage you.

5. Seek Support: Don’t hesitate to reach out to friends, family, or professionals for support. Sharing your feelings can provide relief and perspective. Sometimes, just talking about your struggles can help you feel less isolated.

6. Focus on Your Strengths: Reflect on your strengths and what you enjoy about teaching. You mentioned that you feel happy and fulfilled when teaching. Emphasize these moments and consider how you can incorporate more of what you love into your daily life.

7. Cognitive Behavioral Techniques: Since you have explored cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) literature, try to apply some of those techniques actively. Challenge negative thoughts when they arise. Ask yourself if there is evidence to support those thoughts or if they are based on assumptions.

8. Professional Help: If feelings of inadequacy and anxiety persist, consider seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor. They can provide tailored strategies and support to help you navigate these feelings effectively.

9. Engage in Activities You Enjoy: Make time for hobbies and activities that bring you joy outside of academic pressures. This can help you rediscover your passions and provide a much-needed break from stress.

10. Celebrate Small Wins: Acknowledge and celebrate your achievements, no matter how small. This practice can help build your confidence and reinforce a positive mindset.

In conclusion, overcoming the negative effects of comparison requires a multifaceted approach that focuses on self-acceptance, personal growth, and support. Remember that your journey is unique, and it's okay to take the time you need to find your path. By implementing these strategies, you can cultivate a more positive outlook and reclaim your sense of purpose and joy in life.

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