The Haunting of Number Nine: A Journey Through Mental Health Struggles

The ghost of the number 9 is haunting me?

In 2004, after being pinched by a classmate, I thought I had damaged my kidneys and went to see a doctor (the doctor said one kidney is sufficient to live).
From then on, I began a life filled with paranoia.
Additionally, after being hit on the back of the head (right occipital lobe) by a classmate, I feared that I had sustained a concussion and brain injury.
Upon researching, I learned that brain cells cannot regenerate, which further deepened my despair.
I became increasingly withdrawn.
After entering a vocational school, I started sleeping in a separate room from my mother (we originally shared a room).
My new room had a bathroom, but the toilet had a buildup of feces that made me feel nauseous.
Out of sight, out of mind, I chose not to flush after urinating, hoping to cover the filth.
However, this led to an unpleasant odor.
I even resorted to storing my urine in a plastic bottle (at that time, I was unaware that replacing the toilet would only cost a few thousand NT dollars), which caused my room to become poorly ventilated and smelly; I often had to hold my breath.
Additionally, my older brother smoked upstairs, and the noise from children crying severely disrupted my sleep, increasing my stress levels.

During the Lunar New Year in 2005, while helping with my family's market business, I experienced significant stress from university entrance exams and lack of sleep.
One day at the market, I noticed a decline in my mental arithmetic skills, particularly with the number 9, which appeared distorted and deformed in my mind, although I could still write it out correctly.
Although I recognized that mental arithmetic is not crucial in today's world, I fixated on this issue.
Due to the demands of the business, I neglected to drink water and eat, leading to symptoms of "headache," "thirst," "palpitations," and "dark urine," which I later realized were signs of "dehydration." After reading a book titled "The Complete Brain Recovery Guide," I learned that even mild dehydration can trigger stress hormones that cause long-term damage to the brain.

I was unsure whether my brain issues stemmed from the injury or stress, but the appearance of the number 9 continued to worsen.
Initially, I found the answer to 29*9=261 odd, but later I thought the number 9 looked awkward, and eventually, it became distorted.
Throughout this process, I experienced persistent "headaches," and knowing that brain cells cannot regenerate filled me with fear about whether my brain would be irreparably damaged, leading to a vicious cycle of worry.
I constantly thought about multiplication problems, and the shape of the number 9 became increasingly unstable and distorted, as if an invisible wall was blocking my perception (unlike before), making me doubt my health; I feared that the brain injury was irreversible.
I worried that this condition could not be treated.

I learned that stress releases cortisol, which harms the hippocampus, and I was terrified of this outcome, especially with my recent memory decline.
I feared that if this situation persisted too long, it would become untreatable.
Sometimes, I experienced delusions, fearing that people passing by would hit me on the head.
When watching movies with explosion scenes, I imagined the explosions happening to me, feeling the pain.
I also found myself wondering what it would feel like to eat feces when seeing a toilet, which troubled me greatly.
For about ten years, this has severely impacted my life (I have seen more than five "regular" doctors).

Why does the number 9 appear distorted? Can I return to normal? Why do doctors say it’s not possible? Is it due to ammonia in my urine? I heard on TV that someone died from methane gas; could that be the case? Is the strong odor of urine depriving my brain of oxygen? I often have headaches, and I am very anxious.
The doctors have provided vague answers.
I hope to recover soon.
Thank you, doctor.

logojackya, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2012/09/14

Dr. Zhang Jiafen reply Psychiatry

Hello, I believe what you need is to adhere to a consistent treatment plan in mental health care.
However, mental health treatment is quite unique and requires regular and long-term visits to achieve the best therapeutic outcomes.
In your letter, you mentioned that over the past ten years, you have seen five different physicians.
I'm curious whether the assistance provided by these doctors did not meet your needs and expectations, or if there were other factors involved.
Nevertheless, as long as you are willing to find a physician you trust and maintain regular appointments, I believe the discomfort you are experiencing can gradually improve.
Wishing you all the best.

Reply Date: 2012/09/14

More Info

The journey through mental health struggles can be incredibly complex and deeply personal, as illustrated by your experiences. It seems that your mental health challenges began with a series of traumatic events and misunderstandings about your physical health, which have led to a cycle of anxiety, obsessive thoughts, and a distorted perception of reality.
From what you've described, it appears that your anxiety has manifested in a variety of ways, including obsessive thoughts about your health, particularly concerning your brain and kidneys. This is not uncommon for individuals who have experienced trauma or who have a heightened sensitivity to bodily sensations. The fear of having sustained a brain injury or the belief that your cognitive abilities are deteriorating can lead to a vicious cycle of anxiety and obsessive thinking, which only exacerbates your symptoms.

The phenomenon you're experiencing with the number nine—where it appears distorted or "ugly" in your mind—could be a manifestation of your anxiety and obsessive thoughts. Cognitive distortions, such as catastrophizing (expecting the worst) or all-or-nothing thinking, can lead to a skewed perception of reality. In your case, the number nine has become a focal point of your anxiety, perhaps because it represents a tangible aspect of your cognitive abilities that you feel is slipping away from you.
It's important to understand that the brain is incredibly resilient, and while it is true that certain types of brain cells do not regenerate, the brain has a remarkable ability to adapt and reorganize itself. This neuroplasticity means that even if you feel your cognitive functions are impaired, there is potential for improvement, especially with the right interventions.

Your concerns about dehydration and its effects on your brain are valid. Dehydration can lead to cognitive impairments, including difficulties with concentration and memory. However, the idea that your urine's ammonia content or its odor could directly harm your brain is less clear. While poor hygiene can lead to infections or other health issues, it is unlikely to be the sole cause of your cognitive distortions.

The feelings of paranoia and the intrusive thoughts about harm, such as fearing being hit on the head or imagining explosions, suggest that you may be experiencing symptoms of anxiety or even a form of post-traumatic stress. These thoughts can be distressing and may feel overwhelming, but they are often a reflection of your anxiety rather than an indication of an underlying psychosis.

Given the complexity of your symptoms and the impact they have on your daily life, it is crucial to seek professional help. You mentioned having seen multiple doctors, but it may be beneficial to find a mental health professional who specializes in anxiety disorders or obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) has been shown to be effective for individuals struggling with obsessive thoughts and anxiety. This therapeutic approach can help you challenge and reframe your distorted thoughts, develop coping strategies, and reduce the impact of anxiety on your life.

Additionally, medication may also be an option worth exploring if you haven't already. Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) are commonly prescribed for anxiety and OCD and can help regulate the brain's chemistry, potentially alleviating some of your symptoms.

In conclusion, while your journey through mental health struggles has been fraught with challenges, there is hope for recovery. With the right support, therapy, and possibly medication, you can work towards breaking the cycle of anxiety and obsessive thoughts. Remember, you are not alone in this journey, and reaching out for help is a courageous and essential step towards healing.

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