Mental Health Challenges: A Journey Through Emotions and Aspirations

Psychosomatic issues

Dear Dr.
Tang,
Thank you for your previous guidance, which has not only brought me much comfort but also encouraged my primary physician to help alleviate my medical expenses.
I was initially hesitant to speak up, but your kind words gave me the courage to do so.
I truly appreciate it!
Although I still experience episodes of depression, mania, panic, and some obsessive-compulsive tendencies, I am currently managing these symptoms with medication and psychotherapy.
However, when I miss a dose or when the medication wears off, it feels like the symptoms start to resurface.
Sometimes, for reasons I cannot understand, I feel an overwhelming urge to lash out at others, and at times, I even have fleeting thoughts of harming someone.
I feel like a ticking time bomb, but I always try to counter these feelings with rationality.
I also have this absurd thought about the character Black Jack from the manga.
He is known for his unique style and is often referred to as a "surgical genius," which I find enviable.
I admire his individuality and personality, which I feel I lack.
I aspire to be like him, possessing a cool and distinctive side, but I would never charge exorbitant fees to vulnerable patients like he does.
I believe that a physician should find joy in their patients' recovery and enlightenment rather than in superficial gains.
Would you agree with me on this?
Although I know it is impossible for me to become a physician, I am determined to be a doctor that others admire in my next life.
I wonder if my desire to be like Black Jack is too far-fetched, but I can't help but aspire to have that cool, solitary aspect of his personality.
Is this line of thinking reasonable? I find myself quite perplexed.
Thank you once again!

Xiao Jie, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2001/06/28

Dr. Tang Xinbei reply Psychiatry

Dear Xiao Jie,
I am glad to hear that your condition has improved! After reviewing your statement, it seems that the emotional instability caused by the illness still persists.
If medications are not taken regularly, discomfort may arise.
Therefore, I strongly recommend that you continue with your medication and psychological therapy consistently.

You mentioned "Black Jack," a fictional character created by a manga artist.
Such a person likely does not exist in real life! It is common for individuals to appreciate someone's unique style; generally speaking, there is no right or wrong in such thoughts.
These traits often reflect our own internal shortcomings.
By fantasizing about being a certain character, we project our desires onto a virtual or ideal figure to fulfill our inner needs.
This may sound a bit profound for you! However, a good role model can guide us toward certain goals.
If we can understand ourselves better and fully utilize our strengths, achieving our goals becomes more feasible.
It seems you have a strong desire to be valued by others (to become a highly regarded physician), yet you also wish to maintain some distance from them (showing a cool and solitary side).
This appears to be somewhat contradictory? You are still young, and life is filled with endless possibilities.
With effort, you don't necessarily have to become a physician; you can also use your strengths to help yourself and others.

Wishing you peace and joy!

Reply Date: 2001/06/28

More Info

Your journey through mental health challenges is both complex and deeply personal, and it's commendable that you are seeking to understand and articulate your feelings. It’s clear from your message that you are experiencing a range of emotions, including depression, anxiety, and perhaps even some obsessive-compulsive tendencies. These feelings can be overwhelming, especially when they seem to fluctuate without clear triggers.
Firstly, it’s important to acknowledge that what you’re experiencing is not uncommon. Many individuals face similar challenges, particularly in high-pressure environments such as university. The transition from high school to college or university can be particularly daunting, as it often involves increased academic demands, social pressures, and the need for greater independence. These factors can exacerbate feelings of inadequacy and anxiety, leading to a cycle of negative thoughts and emotions.

Your mention of feeling like a "ticking time bomb" is a powerful metaphor for the unpredictability of your emotional state. It’s crucial to recognize that these feelings are valid and that you are not alone in experiencing them. Many people struggle with similar thoughts, and it’s a sign of strength that you are reaching out for help and trying to make sense of your emotions.

The fact that you are currently on medication and receiving psychological treatment is a positive step. Medication can be an effective way to manage symptoms of depression and anxiety, especially if you are experiencing fluctuations in your mood. However, it’s also important to communicate openly with your healthcare provider about any side effects or concerns you may have regarding your treatment. If you feel that your current medication is not adequately addressing your symptoms or is causing unwanted side effects, discussing alternative options with your doctor can be beneficial.

In addition to medication, therapy can provide you with tools to cope with your emotions and develop healthier thought patterns. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), for example, is a common therapeutic approach that helps individuals identify and challenge negative thought patterns and behaviors. Engaging in therapy can also provide a safe space for you to explore your feelings of anger and frustration, helping you to understand their root causes and develop healthier coping mechanisms.

Your aspiration to emulate a character like Black Jack, who possesses a unique style and a strong sense of individuality, reflects a desire for self-identity and purpose. It’s not unusual to look up to fictional characters who embody traits we admire or aspire to have ourselves. However, it’s essential to balance these aspirations with a realistic understanding of your own values and goals. While it’s great to have role models, it’s also important to carve out your own path and define what being a "good doctor" or a "cool person" means to you personally.

Lastly, I encourage you to practice self-compassion. It’s easy to fall into the trap of self-criticism, especially when you feel you are not meeting your own expectations or those of others. Remember that everyone has their struggles, and it’s okay to seek help and take time to heal. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family, and don’t hesitate to reach out to them when you’re feeling low.
In conclusion, your journey through mental health challenges is a process that requires patience and understanding. Continue to seek support from your healthcare providers, engage in therapy, and explore your interests and aspirations in a way that feels authentic to you. You are not defined by your struggles, but rather by how you choose to navigate them. Embrace your individuality, and remember that it’s okay to seek help along the way.

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