Struggling with Inner Darkness: Mental Health Challenges

I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. It's very important that

Hello, doctor.
Everyone says I am the life of the party, kind to others, and have a good temperament.
Although I appear cheerful in front of people, I actually prefer to keep my distance because I fear human interaction.
Since I was in fifth grade, I have felt that life is meaningless and have had thoughts of wanting to die.
Of course, I have thought about suicide or self-harm, but unfortunately, there isn't a way to just fall asleep and escape.
Recently, after entering the workforce, things have worsened.
My family is poor, I couldn't study properly, and now I can't find a good job.
Every day, I am nagged by my vain mother, and I constantly worry about money, feeling very useless.
Lately, in addition to thoughts of wanting to die, I have also had thoughts of wanting to harm others.
Do I have a mental illness? P.S.
My mother has bipolar disorder, and my father had depression and has passed away.

huanzhe, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2015/04/21

Dr. Ding Shuyan reply Psychiatry

Hello, you asked whether you have an illness.
Another common question is, what exactly does it mean to be "normal" and free of disease? Is there such a person in the world? Each of us has certain aspects that are significantly different compared to most people.
This can sometimes put us in situations where we feel out of sync.
If this causes distress for ourselves or others, it may be a good idea to see a doctor.
There are clear boundaries, such as experiencing auditory hallucinations or paranoid delusions, which typically indicate a mental illness.
However, many situations are more ambiguous and require discussion with a physician to determine if conditions like depression or anxiety are abnormal.
It is not uncommon for someone to appear cheerful in public but feel down and cry when alone.
From my understanding, these individuals often have a connection to their personality, but fundamentally, they are good people with rich emotions.
If private feelings of depression become too severe or if there are thoughts of suicide, seeking medical help is advisable.
Life's experiences are akin to traveling to an unfamiliar place; what happens along the way and what we bring back at the end of the journey can be unimaginable and vastly different from our original selves.
You grew up in a poor family, and your parents had emotional difficulties, but these do not hinder your potential and opportunities for a better life in the future.
We have seen many examples of individuals from even more challenging backgrounds who later lead enviable lives.
You are still young, so do not limit yourself by past difficulties; the opportunities ahead are vast.
Lastly, thoughts of suicide or violence are transient products of extreme emotions.
They have never been a solution and will not bring relief from suffering.
For example, if we are covered in mud and feel very uncomfortable, we might want to quickly jump into a pot of boiling water to remove the mud, but the pain that follows would be unimaginable and prolonged.
Our strategy should be to calm down, endure for a moment, and look around for other tools or methods.
Even a simple towel, with a little time, can help remove most of the discomfort caused by the mud.
I hope this metaphor serves as a useful reference for you.
Wishing you all the best.
Sincerely, Dr.
Ding Shuo-Yan.

Reply Date: 2015/04/21

More Info

It sounds like you are going through an incredibly difficult time, and I want to acknowledge the pain and struggles you are facing. Your feelings of despair, isolation, and frustration are valid, and it’s important to address them seriously. Mental health challenges can manifest in various ways, and it’s crucial to understand that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

From what you’ve described, it seems you are experiencing significant emotional distress, which may include symptoms of depression and anxiety. The fact that you feel compelled to put on a happy face for others while battling inner turmoil is a common experience for many individuals dealing with mental health issues. This phenomenon is often referred to as "masking," where individuals hide their true feelings to conform to societal expectations or to avoid burdening others with their struggles.

Your thoughts of self-harm and even harming others are concerning and indicate that you may be in a state of crisis. It’s essential to take these feelings seriously. The presence of suicidal thoughts, especially when coupled with feelings of worthlessness and despair, suggests that you may be experiencing a severe depressive episode. Additionally, the familial history of mental health issues, such as your mother's bipolar disorder and your father's depression, may indicate a genetic predisposition to these conditions, which can further complicate your emotional landscape.

The challenges you face, including financial stress and familial expectations, can exacerbate feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness. It’s not uncommon for individuals in similar situations to feel overwhelmed by their circumstances, leading to a cycle of negative thoughts and emotions. The pressure to succeed, especially when compounded by external factors like poverty and familial demands, can create a heavy burden to bear.

I strongly encourage you to seek professional help. A mental health professional, such as a psychologist or psychiatrist, can provide you with the support and guidance you need. Therapy can be a safe space for you to explore your feelings, understand the root causes of your distress, and develop coping strategies. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is particularly effective for addressing negative thought patterns and can help you reframe your perspective on life’s challenges.

If you are in immediate danger of harming yourself or others, please reach out to emergency services or a crisis hotline in your area. It’s crucial to have a support system in place, whether that’s friends, family, or mental health professionals who can help you navigate this difficult time.

In addition to professional help, consider incorporating self-care practices into your daily routine. This could include physical activities, mindfulness exercises, or engaging in hobbies that bring you joy. Surrounding yourself with supportive individuals, even if it feels challenging, can also help alleviate feelings of isolation.

Remember, you are not alone in this struggle, and there are people and resources available to help you through it. Your life has value, and there is hope for a brighter future. Please take the step to reach out for help; it can make a significant difference in your journey toward healing.

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