Navigating Relationships and Anxiety: A Journey Through Mental Health

Fear of wanting a relationship?

Hello, doctor! I have seen a psychiatrist before; I visited a few times in middle school but stopped later because both my family and I learned that taking medication wasn't effective.
At that time, I would ask strange questions, like whether it would hurt to scrape the floor.
Later, in high school, I went to see a psychiatrist again because I was the only one in my class studying culinary arts and felt I had poor social connections, as my classmates didn't pay much attention to me.
In my second year of college, I sought help again, thinking that studying this field would help me meet like-minded friends, but that wasn't the case.
My situation became severe, and I even had suicidal thoughts; I was on medication to the point where my parents couldn't recognize me.
The medication made me very drowsy, and my classmates and teachers were aware of my condition.
During that time, I would constantly ask questions, needed repeated confirmations from others, and was very concerned about whether I was a virgin (I would ask my dad and brother strange questions).
Sometimes, when I was around boys, I worried about whether they would harass me.

I am much better now, but I find it difficult to reconnect with people from my past, and many do not understand obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and are afraid of me.
I feel like everyone is quick to judge me without giving me a chance.
I am currently continuing my master's studies; initially, my family was very unsupportive, believing that my OCD would hinder my studies, although they are still somewhat unsupportive now.
Since I changed my major, the pressure has increased, and my classmates, juniors, and professors are not easy to get along with.
I have been in continuous counseling; my social relationships are quite unique, as I do not have close friends but many acquaintances.
Perhaps due to my ongoing health issues and not being conventionally attractive, I have never been in a romantic relationship, although I long for one.
However, I am not reckless about it.
I really like children, but given my situation, I think I can only adopt.
Recently, as I approach my third year of graduate school, I need to report on specialized discussions that require experimental data.
However, in the past, my professor did not allow me to conduct experiments, so now I have to learn a lot in a short time, and the person teaching me the experiments is leaving at the end of the month.
My understanding of sexuality has always been incorrect; I know I need to change that, but it is difficult for me.
My parents want me to see a psychiatrist again, but I refuse because I feel that medication is ineffective; I have taken too much in the past.
I have also been hospitalized in a psychiatric ward, which felt like being locked away.

The main point is that I really want children, and I know that those medications can affect fertility, so I absolutely will not go back to taking them.
My family says I am too conservative about sex, asking if I am from ancient times.
I have seriously talked to my parents about this, but I am treated this way.
It was worse before; I was afraid to use toilet paper to wipe my genital area, thinking it was too sexual and would remind me of those annoying boys from middle school.
However, now it has reversed, and I find myself looking forward to sexual relationships.
I believe counseling is more helpful; I have been borrowing books on relationships and sexual psychology.
I really want a romantic relationship, but I feel that if I actually have one, I would be worried and scared.
Some people say to me, "How old are you, and you still have no sexual experience?" Since middle school, I have been insulted by boys with vulgar language, and now that I am older, I have learned that boys are very focused on appearance rather than inner qualities.
Society has a significant impact on me.
At my age, most boys I would date are likely not virgins, but strangely, boys seem very concerned about whether girls are virgins.
So now, if I forget to lock the door at night, I wake up wondering if I have lost my virginity.
Last year during the Dragon Boat Festival, I slept with my boss and his girlfriend, and a few days later, I asked them if anything happened.
They said if someone really assaulted you, you would feel it and it would hurt; you wouldn't be unaware.
I actually think that hugging, kissing, and sexual relations are all intimate acts, so why is everyone only concerned about premarital sex? I believe hugging and kissing should also be reserved for marriage.
I know I am being too strict, which may prevent me from finding a partner.

However, I worry that my partner will dislike my body when hugging, dislike my mouth when kissing, and dislike my genitals during sex; I also feel that I won't perform well.
Therefore, I am afraid to hug, kiss, or have sex.
At the same time, I find it difficult to balance a romantic relationship with my studies.
But I still crave intimacy, so I resort to masturbation.
I observe myself during masturbation because I am curious about the vaginal opening, but each time, I only see my fluids flowing out and never see the opening itself.
I wonder if boys also cannot see the opening and just assume that the lubrication allows for easy penetration.
Sometimes, while masturbating, I think about just putting my hand inside to experience the feeling of penetration, but then I remember that would mean I am no longer a virgin, and besides, I can't find the opening; I only see fluids flowing out.

It's like I want to take revenge on someone; if I kill them, then I lose.
I know some people have children at 42 and think it's fine to wait until after completing a doctorate to find a partner.
However, I also worry that no one will want me; yet I cannot let go of my prejudices against premarital sex, nor do I want to just find any man to marry.
I don't fear men; it's just that when it comes to sex, I become very strange.
I seem to lose trust in others, like a newborn baby, and I worry about being assaulted by nursing staff.
I want my children to be virgins.
Recently, I feel like I have become more sensitive, and my emotions fluctuate more.
When I hear or see others express opinions that differ from mine, I feel uncomfortable or think they are wrong, and I want to correct them or directly confront them.
This leads to low efficiency in my work because I get distracted and think about other things, especially regarding sex and relationships.

I don't have a partner, yet I constantly think about how to stop masturbating, how not to get distracted, and how not to keep thinking about relationships.
I don't want to keep preparing for something that may not happen.
I should focus on my studies; that is what I should be doing to achieve my dreams and ideals.
I also know that this is a waste of time.

Hong Shi Jing, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2015/08/16

Dr. Ding Shuyan reply Psychiatry

Hello, having a sex drive is a very natural thing.
From a medical perspective, masturbation is not inherently good or bad; it is a common way for many people to relieve sexual tension.
Honestly, as long as you are in a private space and it does not affect others, there is no immediate issue that needs to be addressed.
If you feel that you are masturbating too frequently or spending too much time on it, you might want to explore whether there are other psychological factors at play.
For some, it serves as a way to relieve stress or escape from certain issues, in which case it would be beneficial to develop outdoor or social activities as hobbies to avoid spending too much time alone.
From your letter, I see that you are pursuing a master's degree, and the process has not been overly complicated, indicating that despite having seen a psychiatrist since childhood, your life experiences are not significantly different from those of others.
It seems that the sexual-related issues you are concerned about have not severely hindered your academic functioning.
Conversely, you mentioned that you are receiving treatment for obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), and these sexual-related concerns may also be one of the symptoms related to your OCD, which should be considered in your overall treatment plan.
Obsessive thoughts and the repetitive worries associated with depression can hijack our thoughts and emotions, making us feel uncomfortable and eager to escape.
However, many studies show that efforts to suppress these thoughts often prove futile and can even exacerbate obsessive thinking, drawing us deeper into a vortex.
In addition to medication, you can practice distraction techniques and thought interruption methods.
When you notice yourself falling into obsessive thinking, firmly tell yourself to take a minute break and return to it later.
Engage in other activities, practice muscle relaxation, or try diaphragmatic breathing exercises.
These techniques can be very effective in reducing the power of obsessive thoughts, and you can practice them more often.
Wishing you all the best,
Dr.
Ding Shuo-Yan

Reply Date: 2015/08/16

More Info

Navigating relationships and managing anxiety can be particularly challenging, especially when compounded by a history of mental health issues. Your experiences reflect a complex interplay of anxiety, obsessive-compulsive tendencies, and the pressures of academic life, all of which can significantly impact your mental well-being and interpersonal relationships.

Firstly, it’s important to acknowledge the progress you’ve made in recognizing your feelings and seeking help through counseling. This is a crucial step in managing mental health. Your past experiences with medication and hospitalization have understandably left you wary of traditional psychiatric interventions. However, it’s essential to remember that not all treatment approaches are the same. While medication can be effective for some, therapy, particularly cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), can provide tools to help you manage anxiety and obsessive thoughts without the need for medication.

Your concerns about relationships and intimacy are valid and reflect a common struggle among individuals who have experienced trauma or mental health challenges. The fear of judgment from others, particularly regarding your past and your body, can create barriers to forming meaningful connections. It’s crucial to approach relationships with self-compassion and to understand that everyone has their insecurities. Engaging in open conversations with potential partners about your feelings and boundaries can foster understanding and intimacy.

You mentioned a desire for a romantic relationship and the fear of being judged based on your past experiences. It’s important to recognize that a healthy relationship is built on mutual respect and understanding. Finding someone who appreciates you for who you are, rather than focusing solely on physical attributes, is key. It may be beneficial to explore social settings or groups where you can meet people with similar interests, which can help alleviate some of the pressure you feel in traditional dating scenarios.

Your thoughts on sexuality and intimacy indicate a deep-seated anxiety that may stem from past experiences and societal expectations. It’s essential to reframe your understanding of intimacy as a spectrum of experiences that can be explored at your own pace. Engaging in self-exploration, such as understanding your body and desires, can be empowering. However, it’s crucial to approach this with a mindset of self-acceptance rather than self-judgment.

The feelings of being overwhelmed by academic pressures, especially as you approach the final stages of your degree, are understandable. Balancing studies and personal life can be daunting, but it’s essential to prioritize self-care. Setting realistic goals for your academic work and allowing yourself breaks can help reduce anxiety. Mindfulness practices, such as meditation or yoga, can also be beneficial in managing stress and improving focus.

Lastly, it’s vital to continue seeking support, whether through counseling, support groups, or trusted friends. Sharing your experiences with others who understand can provide relief and validation. If you feel comfortable, consider discussing your feelings about medication with a mental health professional who can help you explore alternative treatments or adjustments to your current approach.

In summary, navigating relationships and anxiety is a journey that requires patience and self-compassion. By continuing to seek support, exploring your feelings about intimacy, and prioritizing self-care, you can work towards building healthier relationships and managing anxiety more effectively. Remember, it’s okay to take things one step at a time and to seek help when needed. Your journey is unique, and it’s essential to honor your experiences while striving for growth and healing.

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