Your Child's Behavior: Is She Innocent or Manipulative?

Is my daughter being straightforward or just being clever?

Hello, Director: Since my in-laws only have two sons, my daughter has been doted on since her birth.
However, my in-laws have strong subjective opinions and often struggle to listen to others, including my husband and me.
They frequently raise their voices at both my husband and me over trivial matters, and sometimes even get angry.
My daughter has witnessed this since she was young, which is why we rented a place outside when she was in preschool.
For convenience and work reasons, our rental is only a 10-minute drive from my in-laws' home, as we also consider spending time with my in-laws each week to foster the relationship between grandmother and granddaughter.
Since our marriage, my husband has often been irresponsible regarding our household, whether we live at my in-laws' or in our rented place, and he is frequently not home.
Therefore, I mostly take care of our child, while my husband only occasionally brings her back to his parents' house for dinner on weekends or at night, and he often goes out after returning home.
Due to the limited time spent together, he sometimes indulges our daughter, and my husband and I frequently have disagreements about family habits (such as not leaving dishes overnight), which can lead to raised voices (my husband tends to respond loudly when he does respond).
I am impatient, while he takes his time, which has caused our daughter to learn to raise her voice in this environment.
I am trying to improve this, but I find it very challenging.

1.
The child, in this environment (being spoiled by grandparents), does not learn to value things (or perhaps lacks values despite repeated teaching).
2.
The child, in this environment (grandparents raising their voices at parents), shows disrespect towards parents.
3.
The child, in this environment (mother raising her voice at father), also raises her voice towards her father.
4.
The child, in this environment (overall), becomes very perceptive (easily reads situations), cunning, and adaptable.
My daughter is currently in first grade.
Yesterday, during a flea market held at school, the teacher said bargaining was allowed, with items priced between 10-30 NT dollars.
One classmate brought an unused pencil sharpener and priced it at 150 NT dollars.
The teacher told the classmate that they could not allow bargaining because it was too expensive.
Surprisingly, my daughter managed to bargain it down to 15 NT dollars.
The classmate went home and was scolded by their mother, and the teacher informed me that my daughter then resold it for 10 NT dollars, with the buyer not being a teacher (as parents were allowed to participate in the purchasing, and this person was unknown to my daughter).
The teacher also mentioned that both the classmate selling the sharpener and my daughter have straightforward personalities (in Taiwanese, meaning honest and direct), seemingly without overthinking the situation.
Does this indicate a lack of caution? Moreover, my daughter came home and did not mention this incident at all.
She knows she is afraid of being scolded for lying or doing something wrong and tends to cry a lot.

Director, is there something psychologically wrong with my child? I wonder if she truly does not understand or if she is being cunning.
How should I teach my child and understand what is happening in her psychological development? Thank you for your guidance.

mei, 40~49 year old female. Ask Date: 2016/01/20

Dr. Ding Shuyan reply Psychiatry

Hello, first grader.
Regarding the flea market you just mentioned, I think it might just be seen as fun, without any complex thoughts behind it.
Of course, everyone has different innate temperaments, and family upbringing also plays a role, so we can't say she is completely unaware of her actions.
Human abilities have many facets, such as language, sports, music, drawing, mathematics, and so on, with varying degrees of talent.
Mayor Ko is exceptionally intelligent and strong in mathematics, but his interpersonal judgment is relatively straightforward.
Your child's abilities are unlikely to be uniformly good or bad; you need to observe her performance differences among peers.
Perhaps your daughter truly has a talent for business that can be nurtured, but for other areas where she may be weaker, such as empathy, you can use opportunities like this incident for educational purposes, allowing her to develop more holistically.
Wishing you all the best.
Sincerely, Dr.
Ding Shuo-Yan.

Reply Date: 2016/01/20

More Info

Understanding a child's behavior can be quite complex, especially when influenced by family dynamics and environmental factors. In your case, it seems that your daughter is navigating a challenging environment characterized by strong familial influences, differing parenting styles, and perhaps some emotional turmoil stemming from the interactions she witnesses between you and your husband, as well as between your in-laws and yourselves.

Firstly, it is important to recognize that children are highly perceptive and often mimic the behaviors they observe in their surroundings. In your situation, your daughter is likely absorbing the communication styles and emotional expressions she sees at home. If she witnesses loud arguments or disagreements, she may interpret this as a normal way to express feelings or resolve conflicts. This could explain her tendency to raise her voice or act out in similar ways. Children often lack the emotional vocabulary to express their feelings appropriately, leading them to resort to behaviors they have seen modeled by adults.

Regarding your concerns about her behavior at the flea market, it is essential to consider her age and developmental stage. At around seven years old, children are beginning to understand social interactions, including concepts of fairness and value. However, they are still learning about boundaries, honesty, and the implications of their actions. Your daughter's ability to negotiate a price may indicate that she is developing social skills, but it could also suggest a lack of understanding about the ethical implications of her actions, especially if she is not fully aware of the value of the items being exchanged.

The fact that she did not disclose this incident to you could stem from a fear of punishment or a desire to avoid conflict, which she has likely learned from observing the dynamics in your household. This fear can lead to feelings of anxiety and shame, which may manifest as crying when confronted about her actions. It is crucial to create an environment where she feels safe to express herself without fear of reprimand. Encouraging open communication and validating her feelings can help her feel more secure in sharing her experiences with you.

To address these issues, consider the following strategies:
1. Model Healthy Communication: Demonstrate respectful and calm communication in your interactions with your husband and others. Children learn by example, and showing her how to express feelings and resolve conflicts constructively will provide her with a framework to emulate.

2. Teach Emotional Literacy: Help your daughter develop a vocabulary for her emotions. Discuss different feelings and appropriate ways to express them. This can be done through storytelling, role-playing, or simply talking about emotions in everyday situations.

3. Encourage Empathy: Help her understand the perspectives of others. Discuss how her actions might affect her peers, especially in situations like the flea market. Encourage her to think about how she would feel if someone did the same to her.

4. Set Clear Boundaries: Establish clear expectations for behavior and the consequences of actions. Make sure she understands the importance of honesty and respect in her interactions with others.

5. Create a Safe Space for Sharing: Foster an environment where your daughter feels comfortable sharing her thoughts and feelings. Let her know that it’s okay to make mistakes and that you are there to support her in learning from them.

6. Seek Professional Guidance: If you continue to have concerns about her behavior or emotional well-being, consider consulting a child psychologist or counselor. They can provide insights and strategies tailored to your daughter’s specific needs.

In conclusion, your daughter’s behavior is likely a reflection of the complex dynamics within your family. By modeling healthy communication, teaching emotional literacy, and fostering empathy, you can help her navigate her feelings and interactions more effectively. Remember, parenting is a journey, and seeking support when needed is a sign of strength.

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