Struggling with Mental Health: A Journey Through Overprotective Parenting

Q: Struggling with Mental Health: A Journey Through Overprotective Parenting

Hello： Throughout your journey, you have faced numerous struggles, but you have also overcome them to reach where you are now. <br>You have your own friends, and they seem willing to understand and support you, which shows that you are recognized among your peers. <br>We cannot c

Sometimes I feel like I might be dying..?

Since I was around 7 years old, I have lived in a single-parent household.
My mother is a neurotic person; ever since I got a cell phone, I have to call her every day when I get to school, call her when I finish school, and call her when I get home if she is not there.
I am now 18, almost 19.
I have never had the chance to go out with classmates in a straightforward manner, not even once.
Every time I express a desire to go out with friends (not necessarily to spend money), it leads to arguments at home.
My grandparents are very supportive of me because I am actually old enough...
At first, my mother would agree, but then the day before, she would change her mind, saying my friends are not good, that I have bad friends, that I am too young and careless, and she is worried.
From the time I was 13 to 15, all my middle school friends had to coordinate their plans around my schedule, which usually meant just hanging out for a little after school...
Over time, I felt very guilty, and every time I was with them, it was both happy and painful.
I envied them and thought about having to face the arguments at home that were caused by me after returning home.
I felt very sad, and gradually, even though I still had friends, I stopped going out with them.
After entering high school, I started taking the school bus, which extended my time away from home significantly.
I still didn’t dare to bring up any topics about going out with classmates.
Then I began to enjoy the world of anime; once I opened my computer, I felt very happy (of course, I was also happy at school).
The characters in those stories lived various happy lives, and sometimes I could only live in my own fantasies because reality was very harsh for me.
After high school, I joined a club, which was service-oriented, so I often went to school on weekends to help out.
My mom generally didn’t say much about it because it was all documented and counted.
However, sometimes I would actually go out with friends to get ice cream or do homework (I never did anything extreme; I just liked being with my friends).
I knew it was wrong to deceive her, but I was really tired...
Sometimes my heart felt very heavy.
I know she loves me and wants the best for me, but sometimes I am in pain, and she doesn’t listen.
When I bring up things she doesn’t want to face, she pretends she didn’t hear.
I once asked her how she got through her teenage years, and she said my grandfather was very strict, she didn’t have many friends, and she couldn’t go out with classmates.
I don’t understand; she should be able to empathize with my feelings, so why does she insist on this? Throughout my life, I have never had a meal with classmates after school, never watched a movie, and never met friends privately during summer vacation...
Sometimes when I think back on it, I feel very pathetic, so I immerse myself in the world of anime again.
I think I might be a bit unwilling to face reality...
Recently, my mom and I moved abroad.
I have started college.
Although I have friends at school, I still haven’t crossed that line (meeting privately outside).
My mom talks to herself a lot, but it’s not severe.
For example, sometimes when I’m doing homework with headphones on, she asks me questions (the kind that are not important, like whether to chop potatoes finely or in chunks).
I hear her but don’t respond (I might be thinking about my homework), and she doesn’t ask again.
To put it simply, they are questions that don’t have much meaning and can be decided on their own.
Sometimes, even when there’s nothing wrong, I feel very annoyed by her and want to tell her to be quiet, quiet, quiet, and stop talking.
I suddenly feel very irritable and want to scream or throw something (of course, I never do), but I know that won’t solve anything...
And she hasn’t been like this just for a day; she has had this habit for a long time.
Every time she tries to educate me, she expects me to respond, but I often feel as if I’m not there.
I feel like my heart has hidden away, retreating into my own world, a very free world in my mind where I can do many fun things...
She always says that my lack of response makes her ramble on (she can go on for 2 to 4 hours)...
But if I do respond and she doesn’t want to hear it, she gets even angrier.
After so many years, I can only keep running away...
She is like a tape recorder, constantly repeating things, getting angrier the more she talks...
Eventually, it often turns into her venting about her own life frustrations, like taking out her anger on me...
I feel very helpless, but I can’t change it.
Many people have told her that she shouldn’t raise children this way, especially someone like me who is very obedient (I really think I am very obedient).
Sometimes living with her is very painful, extremely painful.
I feel like every time she disagrees with anything I want to do, it’s as if I have to kill a part of myself, slowly, bit by bit, until everything is gone, so I won’t feel pain anymore.
A few days ago, she said she thinks I’m too much of a homebody, always staying at home...
I instantly felt very uncomfortable and a bit nauseous...
I think maybe both my mom and I have problems...
She says I have issues, while others privately say she has problems.

Weixiao dangzuo yijian yifu, 10~19 year old female. Ask Date: 2016/02/04

Dr. Liang Sunyuan reply Psychiatry

Hello: Throughout your journey, you have faced numerous struggles, but you have also overcome them to reach where you are now.
You have your own friends, and they seem willing to understand and support you, which shows that you are recognized among your peers.
We cannot change the past; we can only choose our attitude towards facing the present.
Your past experiences have shaped who you are today.
You may still be in a struggle, but as you grow older and become more independent, the aspects of your life that you can control are increasing.
Your mother may have her own concerns, and there may be factors contributing to her distress.
The more you understand, the greater the possibility of finding peace.
Wishing you all the best.

Reply Date: 2016/02/04

More Info

Navigating the complexities of mental health, especially in the context of overprotective parenting, can be a daunting journey. Your experience reflects a common struggle faced by many individuals raised in environments where parental anxiety and control overshadow personal autonomy. It’s important to recognize that your feelings are valid, and seeking understanding and support is a crucial step toward healing.

From what you've shared, it seems that your mother’s overprotectiveness stems from her own experiences and fears. This behavior, while often rooted in love and concern, can inadvertently stifle a child's independence and emotional growth. The constant need for communication and the restrictions placed on your social interactions have understandably led to feelings of frustration, isolation, and even resentment. These emotions are natural responses to a situation where one feels trapped or unheard.

As you transition into adulthood, particularly now that you are in college and living in a new country, it’s essential to establish boundaries that allow you to explore your identity outside of your mother’s influence. Here are some strategies that may help you navigate this challenging dynamic:
1. Open Communication: While it may be difficult, try to have an honest conversation with your mother about how her behavior affects you. Express your feelings calmly and clearly, focusing on "I" statements (e.g., "I feel overwhelmed when I can't spend time with my friends"). This approach can help her understand your perspective without feeling attacked.

2. Set Boundaries: It’s crucial to establish boundaries that protect your mental health. This could mean setting specific times for communication or designating certain activities as personal time. Communicating these boundaries to your mother can help her understand your need for space.

3. Seek Support: Building a support network outside of your family is vital. Engage with friends, join clubs, or participate in campus activities that interest you. This will not only help you develop social skills but also provide a sense of belonging and community.

4. Therapeutic Support: Consider seeking professional help. A therapist can provide a safe space to explore your feelings, develop coping strategies, and work through the emotional impact of your upbringing. Therapy can also help you learn how to assert your independence while managing your relationship with your mother.

5. Self-Exploration: Engage in activities that promote self-discovery and personal growth. This could include journaling, exploring new hobbies, or even immersing yourself in the worlds of anime and other interests that bring you joy. These activities can serve as healthy outlets for your emotions and help you reconnect with your sense of self.

6. Mindfulness and Relaxation Techniques: Practicing mindfulness, meditation, or relaxation techniques can help manage feelings of anxiety and frustration. These practices can provide you with tools to ground yourself during overwhelming moments.

7. Gradual Exposure: If you feel comfortable, gradually introduce the idea of spending time with friends to your mother. Start with small outings and reassure her of your safety. This can help ease her anxiety and build trust over time.

8. Reflect on Your Needs: Take time to reflect on what you truly want and need from your relationships, including with your mother. Understanding your desires can empower you to advocate for yourself more effectively.

Remember, it’s okay to prioritize your mental health and well-being. The journey to finding balance and independence may take time, but with patience and support, you can cultivate a life that honors both your needs and your relationship with your mother. You are not alone in this struggle, and seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

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