Navigating Family Pressure: Finding Peace Amidst Mental Health Struggles - Psychiatry

The term "罩門" translates to "s

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I left a well-paying and relatively easy job at the end of April to prepare for the entrance exam for the university's continuing education program in July, and I finally got accepted into my ideal school.
However, since three months ago, my former classmates, colleagues, and supervisors, as well as my tutoring classmates, have all been encouraging me.
On the other hand, my parents, whom I know love me dearly, constantly remind me why I am only now choosing to study, why I didn’t pursue further education right after graduating from vocational school (when I felt they were always asking me why I wasn’t working right away), and why I am going to university now when I will be in my thirties by the time I finish.
They question why I initially chose vocational school (which was their decision; I had wanted to attend high school!).
They often say things like "If I had known it would be like this, I would have done it differently." My younger siblings are almost graduating from graduate school, and another sister is about to study abroad in Europe.
From my perspective, even if it’s not just for a diploma, surviving in such a rapidly changing industrial and commercial society makes it difficult to compete without continuous self-improvement.
I do not regret my decision at all; it’s just hard to feel happy when I hear discouraging words from my loved ones.
I have tried to communicate with them, but perhaps due to my personality, the messages I receive only seem to blame me for my past mistakes.
All the errors are my fault, as if no matter how hard I try now, it cannot compensate for past failures.
Every time I hear them say such things, I feel sad for several days and struggle to sleep.
This isn’t a recent issue; ever since I didn’t get into my first-choice school after the high school entrance exam, whenever I appear at family gatherings, my mother always criticizes me in front of everyone.
As a result, I started to dislike attending these gatherings and would intentionally keep my distance.
Even after ten years, she still brings up this old story without mercy in front of others, which feels like my self-esteem is being trampled again.
Occasionally, I have nightmares about failing exams, and I began to feel hopeless about myself.
I also didn’t enjoy the major I studied in vocational school, my grades plummeted, and I didn’t want to attend classes; I just wanted to sleep to escape reality.
While other classmates graduated, I spent three years in school making up credits, and when I finally received my diploma, I struggled to find a job and also went through a breakup at that time.
Because of this, my self-confidence diminished further, and I became even less inclined to work.
I don’t know when it started, but I began to experience painful menstrual cramps, often sweating profusely and vomiting, to the point where I couldn’t even take painkillers, which gave me even more reason to do nothing.
However, I later realized that staying at home all day was frustrating, and I worried about my health affecting my employability.
So, I studied computers for six months and took a part-time job to regain some sense of work.
During this time, a close classmate often came to me to vent about her job struggles, and perhaps because I became a sounding board for her, I started to see some similarities between her thoughts and my past self.
I asked myself, "Do I want to become a person filled with negative thoughts like her? No, I don’t want to be like her." From that point on, I began to learn how to face reality and my own failures, which is why I wanted to try doing something to resolve this long-standing emotional knot.
However, even so, my parents still occasionally remind me of my past, sometimes saying things that feel like hindsight wisdom.
I really wish they would stop bringing up the past, but it often leads to arguments between us.
Every time I hear them say such things, it hurts deeply.
I wish I could be the one taken away by the time machine in "The Legend of the Condor Heroes" instead of Xiang Shaolong.
Although I usually express my sadness through writing, it often just makes me feel worse.
Sometimes I wonder why I was born a human.
I even told my sister that it would be better if I didn’t exist in this world.
But in the end, I choose to dry my tears and continue living; it’s not worth disappearing from this world over such matters! I can only consider these disappointments as essential lessons in the university of life.
I apologize for writing so much; I feel like I’m just venting to myself, which always leaves my eyes swollen.
It might be better to talk to a professional doctor, even if they are a stranger, about my feelings.
I initially wanted to see a psychologist, but I feel like I wouldn’t be able to express myself face-to-face.
Moreover, I’m unsure if my situation warrants seeing a doctor.
If I talk to friends, I tend to hold back on certain things, leaving some issues unresolved.
Additionally, I want to know if my previous situation could be considered depression.
Thank you for your patience and answers!

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Eva, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2002/08/21