Your Partner's Emotional Instability: Seeking Help Together

My boyfriend has unstable emotions?

Hello, my boyfriend is usually a very humorous person, and we have a great time together.
However, when he experiences allergies (he has very severe allergies), he tends to take out his frustration on others and gets angry.
Additionally, when there are interpersonal conflicts (he struggles to say no to people, which often leads to him feeling taken advantage of), he gets upset.
Despite having discussed this with him multiple times, he still finds it difficult to refuse others and ends up angry, saying things like "I'm not him."
When he gets angry, he loses control of his emotions (he tells me that during these moments, he completely loses his rationality and cannot think of the consequences).
He tends to hit objects around him, bang on tables, punch walls, and curse loudly, especially when he encounters traffic issues while riding his motorcycle (I worry that this behavior could lead to trouble).
I feel scared every time he gets angry...
I can't imagine what it feels like to completely lose control of one's emotions (he says he cannot think of the consequences at all).
I asked him, "Aren't you afraid that if you say hurtful things when you're angry, I might leave you?" His response was, "When my emotions take over, I don't think about that at all."
Arguing leaves me mentally and physically exhausted.
I want to ask the doctor if my boyfriend might have a psychological disorder.
He says he truly cannot control himself, and after discussing it, he is willing to seek help, but I want to know how we should approach this issue.
Should we see a psychiatrist or a psychologist? Moreover, I am afraid to talk to others about my boyfriend's issues; every time it happens, I just hide and cry...
Whenever he gets angry, I think about breaking up (but I love him and can't bring myself to say it).
However, after he calms down, he always apologizes and acknowledges his mistakes.
This cycle is really exhausting for me.
Please, doctor, tell me how to handle this situation...
Thank you.

Grace, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2016/05/03

Dr. Zhong Mingxun reply Psychiatry

My boyfriend is usually very humorous, but he loses control of his emotions every time he gets angry, and he completely disconnects from rational thinking, unable to consider the consequences.
This may be related to some underlying psychological issues that he is unable to confront.
It is advisable for him to seek an evaluation from a psychiatrist to determine if there are any mental health concerns, such as depression or anxiety.
If there are no such issues and medication is not necessary, he should seek help from a highly skilled therapist, as general therapists may not have sufficient expertise.
It would be best to ask a psychiatrist for recommendations, ideally one who is also engaged in their own psychotherapy (which is quite rare).
Additionally, you should consider why you have been unable to confront this recurring situation, as it likely reflects your own psychological issues.

Reply Date: 2016/05/03

More Info

It sounds like you are in a challenging situation with your boyfriend, who exhibits emotional instability, particularly when he is under stress or discomfort. His reactions, such as anger, frustration, and even physical outbursts, can be alarming and distressing for both of you. It's commendable that you are seeking help and looking for ways to address this issue together.

From what you describe, your boyfriend may be experiencing difficulties with emotional regulation. This can manifest as intense reactions to stressors, which may be exacerbated by his allergies and interpersonal conflicts. Emotional dysregulation can be a symptom of various underlying issues, including anxiety disorders, mood disorders, or even traits associated with personality disorders. However, diagnosing these conditions requires a thorough evaluation by a mental health professional.

Here are some steps you can take to address this situation:
1. Encourage Professional Help: Since your boyfriend is open to seeking help, encourage him to consult a mental health professional. This could be a psychologist or a psychiatrist. A psychologist can provide therapy, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), which is effective in helping individuals learn to manage their emotions and develop coping strategies. A psychiatrist can evaluate whether medication might be beneficial, especially if there are underlying mood or anxiety disorders.

2. Consider Couples Therapy: Given that both of you are affected by his emotional outbursts, couples therapy could be a valuable option. A therapist can help both of you communicate more effectively, understand each other's perspectives, and develop strategies to cope with emotional distress together.

3. Establish Communication Strategies: When your boyfriend is calm, discuss how you can communicate during his emotional episodes. Establishing a "safe word" or signal that either of you can use when things start to escalate can help create a pause for both of you to regroup. Encourage him to express his feelings without resorting to anger or physical outbursts.

4. Set Boundaries: It's essential to prioritize your emotional well-being. If his behavior becomes too overwhelming, it is okay to take a step back. Let him know that while you care for him, you also need to protect your mental health. Setting boundaries can help both of you understand the limits of what is acceptable behavior.

5. Self-Care: Make sure you are taking care of yourself. Engage in activities that help you relax and recharge. This could include spending time with friends, pursuing hobbies, or practicing mindfulness and relaxation techniques. It’s crucial to have your own support system in place.

6. Educate Yourself: Understanding emotional dysregulation and its effects can help you navigate this situation better. There are many resources available, including books and online materials, that can provide insights into managing emotional responses and improving communication in relationships.

7. Avoid Isolation: While it may feel tempting to keep this situation private, consider reaching out to trusted friends or family members for support. Sharing your experiences can help alleviate some of the emotional burden you are carrying.

8. Monitor Progress: As your boyfriend begins to seek help, monitor any changes in his behavior. Positive changes may take time, and setbacks can occur. Celebrate small victories and remain patient with the process.

In conclusion, while your boyfriend's emotional instability can be distressing, seeking professional help is a crucial step toward improvement. By working together, establishing healthy communication, and prioritizing self-care, you can navigate this challenging situation more effectively. Remember, it’s essential to take care of your own emotional health while supporting him in his journey toward better emotional regulation.

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