My Inner Turmoil: A Journey Through Anxiety and Guilt - Psychiatry

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I feel lost. What is wrong with me?


Last night while reading a novel, I initially felt fine.
As I continued, I inexplicably began to feel a sense of agitation.
I tried to ignore it, but by around 10 PM (I had started reading around 7 PM), the feeling of restlessness intensified, accompanied by a strong sense of guilt.
Thoughts flashed through my mind: "You have so much to do, why are you reading a novel? You can't finish everything.
You have an exam tomorrow; when are you going to review?" Another voice in my head told me, "I just want to read the novel." So, I suppressed those thoughts.
As I read, my hands unconsciously tightened.
I even had thoughts of smashing my phone, and my breathing became a bit difficult.
When I looked at the clock and saw it was 11 PM, I decided to take a shower.
When I stood up, my legs felt stiff, and my joints were a bit painful; I wasn't sure if it was because I had stood all day at the fair in the morning or for some other reason.
During the shower, my emotions became uncontrollable.
I cried and cried, with only the words "so painful" echoing in my mind.
So painful...
I am so painful...
Usually, I can soothe myself, but this time nothing worked, and even trying to distract myself only had a brief effect before I lost control again.
When I tried to sleep, I tightly held onto my favorite stuffed animal and clutched other toys, barely managing to fall asleep.

When I woke up the next morning and thought about having to attend class, my emotions became chaotic.
To avoid breaking down in class, I decided to take a day off.
I told myself: "Be good, finish the novel, then do your homework." While reading, I felt okay, but once I finished, the agitation returned.
I didn't know what to do and didn't want to do anything.
The thought of the mountain of assignments and exams made me restless.
I forced myself to get out of bed, but when I reached my desk, that feeling of difficulty breathing returned, and the immense pressure made it hard to breathe.
I wanted to talk to a friend to vent my feelings, but I couldn't find anyone.
I felt like I was losing control...
so painful.
That thought consumed my mind.
I reached out to another friend, and luckily, he replied.
I called him, intending to express my feelings, but my emotions were like a kite with a broken string, uncontrollable.
I broke down.
I should have, right? I cried until I couldn't breathe.
So painful, so painful.
I don't understand why I've become like this.
So painful.
I not only scared my friend but also alarmed my family, and I felt so guilty.
I didn't want to worry them.
I don't need anyone's concern...
I should be handling this well...
right?
Later, my emotions stabilized a bit.
But the thought of having to attend class tomorrow and the endless exams left me feeling lost...
so frustrating.
It wasn't this severe before; I don't know why I couldn't suppress it this time...
that inexplicable restlessness.
I don't know what's wrong with me...
I can only describe what happened last night and today, hoping the doctor can provide some answers.
Thank you.

Zang, 10~19 year old female. Ask Date: 2016/05/22

Dr. Liu Runqian reply Psychiatry


Based on the symptoms you described, they seem to be a mix of depression and anxiety, though not typical.
Symptoms of major depressive disorder include a depressed mood, loss of interest, psychomotor retardation, difficulty concentrating, appetite changes, insomnia, fatigue, feelings of guilt or worthlessness, helplessness, hopelessness, and suicidal thoughts or attempts, lasting for more than two weeks.
Additionally, patients with depression often exhibit significant anxiety symptoms.
A detailed diagnosis and assessment are still recommended, so it would be best to consult a psychiatrist.

Reply Date: 2016/05/22

More Info


It sounds like you are experiencing a significant amount of inner turmoil, anxiety, and guilt, which can be overwhelming and distressing. Your description of feeling restless, guilty, and emotionally unstable is indicative of a struggle that many people face, especially when they are under pressure from academic responsibilities and personal expectations.
From what you've shared, it seems that your anxiety is compounded by a sense of guilt for wanting to take time for yourself, such as reading a novel, when you feel there are other pressing tasks to complete. This internal conflict can create a cycle of anxiety where you feel guilty for not being productive, which in turn leads to more anxiety and emotional distress. The physical symptoms you described, such as difficulty breathing, tightness in your chest, and feelings of being overwhelmed, are common manifestations of anxiety.
It's important to recognize that feeling this way is not uncommon, especially in high-pressure environments like school. Many students experience anxiety related to exams and assignments, and it can sometimes lead to feelings of being trapped or unable to cope. The fact that you felt the need to call a friend and express your feelings is a positive step, as reaching out for support can be incredibly beneficial during difficult times.

Here are some strategies that may help you manage your anxiety and emotional distress:
1. Acknowledge Your Feelings: It's okay to feel overwhelmed. Recognizing and accepting your emotions can be the first step toward managing them. Instead of suppressing your feelings, allow yourself to experience them without judgment.

2. Practice Mindfulness: Mindfulness techniques, such as deep breathing exercises, meditation, or grounding exercises, can help you stay present and reduce feelings of anxiety. When you notice your thoughts spiraling, take a moment to focus on your breath or engage in a simple mindfulness exercise.

3. Set Realistic Goals: Break down your tasks into smaller, manageable goals. Instead of thinking about all the work you have to do, focus on one task at a time. This can help reduce feelings of being overwhelmed.

4. Limit Exposure to Stressors: If certain activities, like reading or studying, are causing you anxiety, consider taking a break from them. Engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation, even if they seem trivial.

5. Reach Out for Support: Continue to talk to friends or family about how you're feeling. Sometimes just sharing your thoughts can alleviate some of the burden. If you feel comfortable, consider seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor who can provide you with tools to cope with anxiety.

6. Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Understand that it’s okay to not be okay sometimes. Allow yourself the grace to take breaks and prioritize your mental health.

7. Physical Activity: Engaging in physical exercise can help reduce anxiety and improve your mood. Even a short walk can make a difference in how you feel.

8. Sleep Hygiene: Ensure you are getting enough rest. Sleep is crucial for emotional regulation and overall well-being. Establish a calming bedtime routine to help you wind down.

9. Limit Caffeine and Sugar: These can exacerbate feelings of anxiety. Try to maintain a balanced diet that supports your mental health.

10. Consider Professional Help: If your feelings of anxiety and distress persist or worsen, it may be beneficial to consult with a mental health professional. They can provide you with tailored strategies and support.

Remember, you are not alone in this experience, and seeking help is a sign of strength. It’s important to prioritize your mental health and well-being. You deserve to feel better and to find ways to cope with the pressures you are facing.

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