Am I Normal? Anxiety and Self-Doubt in Adolescence

Am I normal like this?

Hello, I have a few questions I would like to ask you.
When I was in middle school, my mother happened to be a teacher at the same school.
I felt that I had to perform better than my classmates to avoid embarrassment.
However, I found it difficult to meet the expectations of both my teacher and my mother, which caused me a lot of stress, and I felt anxious every day.
My homeroom teacher was very strict; he often embarrassed me in front of my classmates, leaving me with no way to save face.
From that time on, I felt that I became very insecure, always thinking that I was inferior to others and worthless.
During my three years in middle school, I almost isolated myself, had very few friends in class, and not many people were willing to talk to me, and this continued into my first year of high school.
Those three years in middle school became the most unpleasant period of my life.
Later, I realized that I often feared going to restaurants alone, reading alone in the library, or even taking the bus or train by myself.
I felt like people were watching me, and I had to find a friend to accompany me to these places; otherwise, I would sit in a corner or face the wall.
This feeling is very uncomfortable.
I also feel that if people laugh in front of me, they must be laughing at me.
Sometimes my classmates are startled by my sudden actions; for example, when eating, if I notice someone staring at me, regardless of whether they are my friends or classmates, I would glare at them fiercely and say, "Why are you looking at me!" Some classmates have even fallen out with me because of this, and I deeply regret it afterward.
Is this a form of self-defense? For a period of time, I had little reaction to external stimuli; I couldn't understand why my classmates laughed or why everyone was so excited at concerts.
Now I often think that I am already 21 years old, I have experienced the 921 earthquake and all kinds of sensory stimuli, and I feel that I have had enough of life.
I don't intentionally want to commit suicide, but I don't care about my safety; I often ride my scooter very fast, thinking that it would be better to crash and die.
Is this normal? I really want to have good interpersonal relationships; I hope to be a popular person, but it seems that I will never be that kind of person.
What kind of treatment or counseling do I need? Finally, thank you for taking the time to read this email.

foreigner, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2002/09/18

Dr. Tang Xinbei reply Psychiatry

Dear friend,
After reading your letter, I can truly empathize with the pressure you feel as the child of a teacher.
Being in a constant state of "having to perform better than others" creates ongoing competition and comparison, leading to a fear of disappointing your parents.
It seems your teacher is trying to provide you with some warnings and encouragement, but this approach may have left you feeling embarrassed and has further undermined your self-confidence, causing you to withdraw.
As a result, you may have become sensitive and cautious in your interpersonal interactions, which in turn affects your relationships.
Currently, it appears that due to past traumatic experiences, you might feel emotionally numb, finding it difficult to experience excitement or joy.
You may feel indifferent towards things and life, and you might be searching for the meaning of your existence.
A motto I share with friends online is, "Authenticity is more important than perfection!" Your long-standing pursuit of perfection and ideals may have placed you in a painful situation.
I recommend a book published by a mental health workshop titled "The Call of Meaning," which I hope you will consider reading.
If you wish to improve your interpersonal relationships, you need to bravely engage with others.
Your struggles seem to be related to your long-term life experiences, so I suggest finding a psychiatrist or psychologist nearby to gain a better understanding of your situation.
If necessary, you might consider arranging for longer-term counseling.
Wishing you peace and joy!

Reply Date: 2002/09/18

More Info

Dear [Name],
Thank you for reaching out and sharing your experiences and feelings. It takes a lot of courage to express what you are going through, and I commend you for seeking help. Your concerns about anxiety, self-doubt, and your overall mental health are valid and deserve attention.

From what you’ve described, it seems that you have been carrying a heavy burden of expectations, particularly due to your mother's role as a teacher at your school. This can create a unique pressure to excel, which can be overwhelming, especially when you feel you are not meeting those expectations. The feelings of inadequacy and the fear of judgment from others can lead to significant anxiety, which appears to be a central theme in your narrative.

Your experiences in middle school, where you felt isolated and pressured, are not uncommon among adolescents. Many young people struggle with self-esteem and social anxiety, particularly in environments where they feel they are being scrutinized. The fact that you felt the need to perform better than your peers to avoid embarrassment is a common reaction to perceived pressure from authority figures, especially parents. This can lead to a cycle of anxiety and self-doubt, where you may feel that you are never good enough, regardless of your actual abilities.

The behaviors you describe, such as feeling uncomfortable eating alone or taking public transport without a friend, are indicative of social anxiety. This condition can manifest in various ways, including an intense fear of being judged or embarrassed in social situations. Your reaction to feeling watched, such as glaring at someone who you think is looking at you, can be seen as a defensive mechanism. It’s a way to protect yourself from perceived threats, even if those threats are not real.

Moreover, your feelings of detachment from external stimuli and your thoughts about life and safety are concerning. The fact that you express indifference towards your safety, such as riding your motorcycle recklessly, suggests that you may be experiencing a deeper level of distress. This could be a sign of depression or a coping mechanism for the emotional pain you are feeling.

It’s important to understand that what you are experiencing is not uncommon, and you are not alone in feeling this way. Many individuals face similar challenges, especially during the transition from adolescence to adulthood. However, it is crucial to address these feelings and behaviors before they escalate further.

I strongly encourage you to seek professional help from a mental health provider, such as a psychologist or psychiatrist. They can provide you with a safe space to explore your feelings and develop coping strategies. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is particularly effective for anxiety and self-doubt, as it helps individuals identify and challenge negative thought patterns and behaviors. Additionally, discussing your experiences in a supportive environment can help you build confidence and improve your interpersonal relationships.

In the meantime, consider reaching out to trusted friends or family members about how you feel. Building a support network can be incredibly beneficial. Engaging in activities that you enjoy or that promote relaxation, such as exercise, art, or mindfulness practices, can also help alleviate some of the anxiety you are experiencing.

Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength, and taking the first step towards addressing your mental health is crucial. You deserve to feel better and to have fulfilling relationships.
Take care, and I wish you the best on your journey towards healing.

Sincerely,
Doctor Q&A Teams

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