Your Child's Reluctance to Attend School: A Guide for Parents

Q: Your Child's Reluctance to Attend School: A Guide for Parents

Hello, Ms. <br>Hsuan-Hsuan's mom： It seems that your daughter is very sensitive to changes in her new environment, and the adaptation process is lengthy with significant emotional reactions. <br>I recommend that you first understand the negative factors in the school environment

Suddenly becoming tearful and refusing to go to school?

Hello Dr.
Song, my daughter is currently 5 years and 2 months old and has just started kindergarten.
Here’s the situation: Last June, she kept insisting on going to kindergarten because she had turned 4 (which qualifies her for the middle class), but the school only opened enrollment in August.
Based on her birthday, she wasn’t eligible for the middle class yet, and could only attend the lower class for a trial period.
However, she was very eager to attend classes, so I enrolled her in a month-long trial of the lower class in July, hoping she would get familiar with the new environment and see if she liked the school.
During that trial month, she was very happy and excited to go to school every day.
Unfortunately, after 15 days, she developed a fever and pneumonia, requiring a four-day hospital stay.
After resting for a day at home, she happily returned to school until July 23.
After only a couple of days back, the school had a graduation ceremony followed by a week-long summer break.
During this time, children could still attend school for a few days since some parents had to work (private kindergartens typically do not have summer breaks, allowing parents to take their children on trips while teachers also take a break).
She insisted on going to school during summer, but after attending for just two days, she decided not to go anymore, saying there were very few children and she didn’t want to attend.
Finally, on August 1, the official start of the middle class, she was excited to go to school.
It was the first day with new teachers (the middle class teachers), but she already knew some of them, as well as many of her classmates who had moved up from the lower class.
Many parents, including myself, were in the school watching our children as they were assigned to classes and seats, and the process was joyful.
After two days, however, she suddenly told me she didn’t want to go to school anymore.
When I asked her why, she said the teachers were mean and strict.
I thought this was part of the adjustment process; children often resist being constrained and the middle class involves more structured activities like writing and reading.
She began to avoid school, which is normal when adapting to a new environment.
For over half a month, every afternoon when I picked her up, I would happily ask if she wanted to come back the next day, and she would say yes.
But during dinner at home, she would start saying she didn’t want to go to school.
I would ask her why in a caring tone and comfort her, and she seemed okay at that moment.
However, during bath and bedtime, she would suddenly start pleading with me not to send her to school, often crying.
I would agree to let her sleep well first.

The next morning, when I woke her up, she would cry again, refusing to go to school.
After a long standoff, I eventually took her to school.
At her worst, she would wake up several times at night crying and begging me not to send her to school, which lasted for many days.
Despite my efforts to understand her reasons, she always came up with excuses not to go.
I spoke with her teachers and the principal, and they assured me this was a normal process and that she would adapt over time, which indeed happened after more than half a month.

However, this year, the same situation has recurred since the start of the new school year on August 1.
The same pattern has repeated itself exactly as last year.
By now, she should be completely familiar with the people and environment at school, and she was already informed about which teachers would be teaching the middle class.
I had prepared her mentally for this change, and I noticed that her old friends were still in the class, and none of them were crying.
It’s not a new environment that she needs to adapt to again… Why is this happening again? It’s exactly the same as last year, and I don’t understand what she is afraid of.
Should I take her to see a psychologist? I’m really worried that this will happen every year, and I’m concerned about how she will cope when she starts elementary school.
Dr.
Song, please help me.
Thank you!

Xuan Xuan Ma, 40~49 year old female. Ask Date: 2016/08/04

Dr. Song Chengxian reply Psychiatry

Hello, Ms.
Hsuan-Hsuan's mom: It seems that your daughter is very sensitive to changes in her new environment, and the adaptation process is lengthy with significant emotional reactions.
I recommend that you first understand the negative factors in the school environment that your daughter finds uncomfortable or dislikes, as well as the positive factors that may attract her to school.
On one hand, empathize with her discomfort; on the other hand, make sure to encourage her greatly on school days.
Of course, if you have the time, I still suggest taking your daughter to a child psychologist for an assessment and to work with professionals to develop a more detailed behavioral modification plan regarding her situation.
Best regards, Dr.
Song.

Reply Date: 2016/08/04

More Info

Understanding a child's reluctance to attend school can be a complex issue, especially when it seems to repeat itself year after year. Your daughter's situation, where she initially expressed excitement about school but later developed anxiety and reluctance, is not uncommon among young children. This phenomenon can often be attributed to several factors, including separation anxiety, fear of authority figures, and the stress of adapting to new expectations in a school environment.

Factors Contributing to School Reluctance
1. Separation Anxiety: At the age of five, children are still developing their emotional regulation skills. Separation from parents can trigger anxiety, especially if they feel uncertain about their environment or the people in it. Your daughter’s initial excitement about school may have been overshadowed by her fear of being away from you, particularly if she has experienced any significant changes or stressors in her life.

2. Fear of Authority: Your daughter's comments about the teacher being "mean" suggest that she may be experiencing anxiety related to authority figures. This is common as children transition to more structured learning environments where expectations are higher, and they may feel more pressure to perform.

3. Change in Routine: The transition from one class to another, even within the same school, can be unsettling for children. They may feel a loss of familiarity and comfort, which can lead to anxiety. This is particularly true if they are moving to a class with new expectations, such as more structured learning and less playtime.

4. Communication of Feelings: Young children often struggle to articulate their feelings and fears. When your daughter expresses a desire not to go to school, it may be her way of communicating discomfort or anxiety rather than a specific dislike for school itself.

Strategies for Parents
1. Open Communication: Continue to encourage your daughter to express her feelings. Use open-ended questions to help her articulate her fears. For example, instead of asking, "Are you scared of the teacher?" you might ask, "What do you think will happen at school tomorrow?" This can help her share her thoughts more freely.

2. Validate Her Feelings: Acknowledge her feelings of anxiety without dismissing them. Let her know that it’s okay to feel scared or uncertain. You might say, "I understand that you feel worried about school. It’s normal to feel that way sometimes."
3. Establish a Routine: Consistent morning and bedtime routines can help provide a sense of security. If she knows what to expect each day, it may help reduce her anxiety.
4. Gradual Exposure: If possible, consider arranging playdates with classmates outside of school. This can help her build relationships and feel more comfortable in the school environment.

5. Positive Reinforcement: Celebrate small victories. If she goes to school without a fuss, reward her with praise or a small treat. This can help reinforce positive behavior.

6. Consulting Professionals: If her reluctance continues or worsens, it may be beneficial to consult a child psychologist or counselor. They can provide strategies tailored to her specific needs and help her develop coping mechanisms for her anxiety.

7. Involvement of Teachers: Keep an open line of communication with her teachers. They can provide insights into her behavior at school and may have strategies to help her feel more comfortable in the classroom.

Conclusion
Your daughter's reluctance to attend school is a common issue that many parents face. By fostering open communication, validating her feelings, and providing consistent support, you can help her navigate her fears. If her anxiety persists, seeking professional help can provide additional strategies and support. Remember, the goal is to help her feel safe and secure in her environment, which will ultimately lead to a more positive school experience.

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