Separation Anxiety in Preschoolers: Tips for Parents

Separation anxiety before school?

Hello Doctor: My child has been attending a daycare center since she was over a month old, and she is now in the middle class at age 4.
She has always gone to school in the morning and been picked up after school.
However, since she started preschool over two years ago, she has cried every morning before school, to the point of being very distressed.
The crying occurs at the moment of separation from me.
The teachers say that once she enters the classroom, she usually calms down within a minute, and there are no issues during school; she interacts well with her classmates.
However, this situation has persisted for over two years, and the days she doesn't cry can be counted on one hand.
I am unsure how to help her.
She is a girl.
PS: When she was 3 years old, we welcomed a baby sister, which has led to some competition for my attention.
Thank you, Doctor.

Xiao Hei, 30~39 year old female. Ask Date: 2016/08/17

Dr. Song Chengxian reply Psychiatry

Hello to the mother of a little sister with separation anxiety at home! Many parents with preschool-aged children face similar challenges when it comes to their kids starting school.
There are numerous early childhood education experts online who have provided detailed and practical advice for you and other parents experiencing the same issues.
How old is your child when they start school?
Handling separation anxiety in young children varies.
For instance, a child in our neighborhood, now nearly three years old, cried for an entire morning on their first day of preschool, and this continued for two weeks.
The neighbor was quite anxious and asked me if the child was too young for preschool and what to do about it.

When should children start school to overcome separation anxiety and social relationship challenges? Sending a child to school can be tough; they might cry incessantly and refuse to enter the classroom, while adults are rushing to work.
At home, the child might express that other kids don’t play with them, sometimes take their toys, or even complain to the teacher.

What can be done to alleviate a child's separation anxiety, help them make friends, and ensure they look forward to school every day? If these suggestions do not help, please consider taking your child to see a child psychiatrist or pediatric mental health specialist.

Best regards, Dr.
Song

Reply Date: 2016/08/17

More Info

Separation anxiety is a common issue among preschoolers, particularly when they are transitioning into new environments like kindergarten. It is characterized by excessive distress when a child is separated from their primary caregiver, often manifesting as crying, clinginess, and fear of being alone. Your child's situation, where she has been experiencing significant distress during drop-off for over two years, is understandably concerning for you as a parent.

Firstly, it's important to recognize that separation anxiety can be exacerbated by various factors, including changes in family dynamics, such as the birth of a sibling. The arrival of a new baby can shift a child's attention and affection, leading to feelings of insecurity and competition for parental love. This may explain why your daughter has had a particularly difficult time since her sister was born.

Here are some strategies that may help alleviate your child's separation anxiety:
1. Establish a Consistent Routine: Children thrive on predictability. Establishing a consistent morning routine can help your child feel more secure. This could include a special goodbye ritual, such as a hug, a wave, or a special phrase that you say every morning. Consistency can help her anticipate what will happen next, reducing anxiety.

2. Practice Short Separations: Gradually increase the time you spend apart from your child in a controlled manner. Start with short separations, such as leaving her with a trusted friend or family member for a brief period. This can help her learn that separations are temporary and that she can cope with being away from you.

3. Talk About Feelings: Encourage your child to express her feelings about going to school. Validate her feelings by acknowledging that it's okay to feel sad or scared. You can help her label her emotions and discuss them openly. This can empower her to manage her feelings better.

4. Positive Reinforcement: Praise your child for any small steps she takes towards independence, such as walking into the classroom without crying or staying calm during drop-off. Positive reinforcement can boost her confidence and encourage her to face her fears.

5. Create a Comfort Object: Sometimes, having a tangible item that reminds a child of their parent can provide comfort. This could be a small toy, a family photo, or a piece of clothing that smells like you. Let her take this item with her to school to help her feel connected to you.

6. Communicate with Teachers: Work closely with your child's teachers to ensure they are aware of her anxiety. They can provide additional support and reassurance during the transition period. Teachers can also help create a welcoming environment that makes her feel safe and secure.

7. Gradual Exposure: If possible, consider spending some time in the classroom with her before she starts attending regularly. This can help her become familiar with the environment and the teachers, making the transition smoother.

8. Seek Professional Help: If her anxiety persists or worsens, it may be beneficial to consult a child psychologist or counselor who specializes in childhood anxiety. They can provide tailored strategies and support for both you and your child.

9. Model Calmness: Children often take cues from their parents. If you exhibit calmness and confidence during drop-off, it can help your child feel more secure. Practice deep breathing or other calming techniques before school to set a positive tone.

10. Be Patient: Remember that overcoming separation anxiety takes time. Celebrate small victories and be patient with her progress. It's essential to reassure her that you are always there for her, even when you are apart.

In summary, separation anxiety is a normal part of childhood development, and with the right strategies and support, your child can learn to manage her feelings and feel more secure in her environment. By fostering open communication, establishing routines, and providing reassurance, you can help her navigate this challenging phase. If necessary, don't hesitate to seek professional guidance to ensure she receives the support she needs.

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