Emotional Detachment and Harmful Impulses: Seeking Help - Psychiatry

I feel that my personality is not very good?

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Hello, Doctor : D Well...
I'm not quite sure which doctor to ask.
After seeing your specialties in dream analysis and psychotherapy, I decided to reach out.
How should I put this? I am basically an optimistic person and have no issues interacting with friends; they all like me.
My family is strict but still within a normal range.
However, I have a small problem: since childhood, I have had a very low sensitivity to the emotions of others and cannot timely perceive how others feel.
I attribute this to the serious and rigorous atmosphere at home, which did not provide enough practice in "noticing others' feelings." This has caused some confusion for me.

Moreover, I cannot perceive others as existing beings like myself; to me, they are just similar shapes, moving objects.
There may be individual differences, but they still feel different.
It's not that I feel superior; rather, it's like seeing something unfamiliar, a complete lack of understanding.
Therefore, I find it difficult to comprehend their emotional experiences and do not understand why they feel anger or joy.
Although I can understand how I would feel if I were in their shoes after some perspective-taking, I still cannot grasp the feelings of others outside of myself.

On the surface, this does not trouble me too much in social interactions because I have learned the appropriate responses and can react correctly in common situations.
Unfortunately, when faced with something not already in my "database," I feel blank.
At the same time, I often have impulsive thoughts of harming others, like killing small animals or cutting people open.
This is not out of anger; I have no anger towards people or society.
My life is quite smooth, and although there is some stress, I manage it well.
The people around me are friendly and lovely, yet I still have such thoughts, akin to sexual urges that arise unpredictably.
When these thoughts come, I feel a sense of rationality gradually being submerged.
I currently control it well, constantly reminding myself that if I act on these thoughts, it will lead to trouble later.
Sometimes I dream or, when unable to sleep, I imagine scenarios like being trapped in the mountains with friends and encountering bad people.
In these moments, I feel justified in wanting to harm others, thinking about cutting their tendons or smashing their kneecaps with a hammer.

I do not hate anyone; I just want to make them uncomfortable or unhappy.
Sometimes it's just curiosity, wanting to see what it looks like to cut open a knee or poke my fingers in to see if they scream.
It's purely curiosity, and thinking about these things does not excite or agitate me; it feels more like the curiosity and small joy of scientific observation.
To drive away these harmful thoughts, I engage in minor mischief—not in a verbally abusive or violent way, but in a manner that makes others feel inadequate or devalued.
This causes some distress.
I know I shouldn't use words to hurt them, yet I still do.

I have this tendency with friends as well, subtly attacking the vulnerable or using language to manipulate others.
I have excellent verbal skills and know how to use body language and speech to deepen others' impressions.
If someone is just ordinary and unlikable, I can use precise wording to instill negative impressions, making them very unlikable.
Honestly, I take pleasure in this; I could almost say it's a hobby.
Although I know it's wrong, I find it genuinely enjoyable.
Fortunately, my friends have not noticed; they still like me and see me as optimistic, cheerful, lively, considerate, and loyal.
Most of the time, I just say things off the cuff, using my eloquence and extensive knowledge at will.

Strangely, many of my more emotionally fragile friends are particularly drawn to and trust me, like magnets.
However, I tend to quickly discard them after drawing them close, knowing they will get hurt.
Yet, I cannot imagine or feel their pain, so knowing that such harm occurs only makes me want to do it more, rather than stopping myself.
Abandoning them is an impulse I cannot suppress; I genuinely want to do it and want to see them hurt.
Although I know this seems wrong, it is really hard to restrain myself, especially when I see how dependent they are on me.
They always say I am gentle, considerate, and understanding, that I am the only one who accepts them, but that is not true.
I am hurting them, yet they still self-reflect and feel terrible about themselves rather than blaming me for my deliberate abandonment or provocation.

I have talked about this with my family (of course, I omitted the parts about deliberately abandoning friends with severe depression and wanting to cut people open).
My family said that most people are like this; they cannot imagine another person as a similar individual and rely on experience to express their emotional feelings.
In reality, no one truly cares about others' feelings, so it doesn't matter.
They just advised me to be careful and not get caught in retaliation.
However, I still feel this is not quite right.
After all, I worry that one day, if I discover I can cut someone open without getting caught, I might actually do it.
Moreover, always treating deception and harming others as my main interests creates many obstacles and difficulties when I want to engage further with people.
I cannot speak the truth about my interests and can only skim the surface.

In summary, I feel that my personality is not very good, and I wonder if there is a way to improve it or if I need to seek formal medical help.
It seems that aside from wanting to cut people open, it is not too big of an issue.
However, I also doubt I could tell the truth at a hospital.
I hope you can give me some advice.

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A, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2016/10/13