Uncontrollable anger
I want to know what is wrong with me...
Am I still normal? Since I was young, I have been thinking about suicide, often contemplating how wonderful it would be if I were not in this world; yet I also calmly know that I cannot do that.
I only recognized "depression" in high school and have taken several online tests that indicated high depression scores.
However, I felt that my negative emotions were not severe enough to warrant seeing a doctor, so I have put it off.
As I have grown older, and pushed myself to develop good interests, I gradually found that the desire to commit suicide diminished.
Still, there are times when I feel inexplicably irritable; nothing significant may have happened, but I feel restless.
My emotions can spiral out of control, leading me to yell at my partner or cry for no reason.
When I sense that I am losing control of my emotions, I start to grab my hands or secretly bite myself, hoping for more pain...
which results in injury, and then I feel strangely happy about it.
After I calm down, I wonder how I could behave this way...
I want to know what is wrong with me...
Nuo Ya, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2016/11/27
Dr. Liu Runqian reply Psychiatry
Symptoms of depression include: depressed mood, loss of interest in usual activities, cognitive and motor retardation, loss of appetite, weight loss, insomnia, fatigue and weakness in limbs, restlessness, self-blame, feelings of guilt, helplessness, worthlessness, hopelessness, and suicidal thoughts or attempts.
Of course, having symptoms does not necessarily indicate a diagnosis of a disorder; some personality traits may also exhibit these thoughts and behaviors.
As you mentioned in your text, you have already engaged in self-harming behaviors, so it is strongly recommended that you seek further evaluation from a psychiatrist or a mental health professional.
Reply Date: 2016/11/27
More Info
It sounds like you are going through a very challenging time, and I want to acknowledge the complexity of your feelings and experiences. From what you've described, it seems that you are grappling with a range of intense emotions, including anger, sadness, and self-harm tendencies. These feelings can be overwhelming and confusing, especially when they seem to arise without clear triggers.
Your history of suicidal thoughts and depression, along with your current struggles with anger and emotional dysregulation, suggests that you may be dealing with a mental health condition that requires attention. It's important to understand that experiencing these feelings does not mean you are "abnormal" or "crazy." Mental health issues can affect anyone, and seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness.
The anger you described, particularly when it feels disproportionate to the situation, can be a symptom of underlying emotional distress. This could be linked to unresolved feelings from past experiences, such as trauma or chronic stress. When we suppress our emotions or feel unable to express them in healthy ways, they can manifest as anger or irritability. This is often referred to as "emotional flooding," where the intensity of feelings can lead to outbursts or self-destructive behaviors.
Self-harm, such as biting or scratching yourself, is often a coping mechanism that individuals use to manage overwhelming emotions. While it may provide temporary relief, it is not a healthy way to cope and can lead to further emotional distress and physical harm. It's crucial to find healthier outlets for your emotions, such as talking to someone you trust, engaging in creative activities, or practicing mindfulness and relaxation techniques.
Given your experiences, I strongly encourage you to seek professional help. A mental health professional can provide you with a safe space to explore your feelings and help you develop coping strategies. They can also assess whether you might benefit from therapy, medication, or a combination of both. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is one effective approach for managing anger and emotional dysregulation, as it helps individuals identify and change negative thought patterns and behaviors.
Additionally, it's essential to build a support network. Connecting with friends, family, or support groups can help you feel less isolated in your struggles. Sharing your experiences with others who understand can provide comfort and validation.
Remember, you are not alone in this journey, and there is help available. Taking the step to reach out for support can be transformative and is an important part of your healing process. Your feelings are valid, and with the right support, you can learn to manage them in a healthier way. Please take care of yourself, and consider reaching out to a mental health professional as soon as possible.
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