Emotional Turmoil: A Journey Through Depression and Anxiety

Q: Emotional Turmoil: A Journey Through Depression and Anxiety

Hello： The symptoms described in your letter are more severe than those of the average person. <br>If there is indeed a cyclical pattern, further evaluation is needed to determine the possibility of a serious mood disorder and whether medication treatment is necessary. <br>It is

Depression, irritability, nihilism?

Hello doctor, I appear to be a person who lives a normal life, rarely gets angry, and has normal interpersonal relationships.
However, since middle school, I have experienced a major emotional outburst every three years (crying inexplicably, feeling intense emotions, even yelling at teachers, followed by a strong sense of guilt).
In high school, there were times when I would hide in the bathroom and cry uncontrollably, looking at myself in the mirror and finding it ridiculous (thinking that no one would understand my pain, and wondering who I was crying for), which made me laugh instead! During these breakdowns, I truly did not know why I was crying; I even wanted to pull out my hair.
After a stable three years, I entered my first year of college and noticed that the cycles had shortened and the duration had lengthened! During that month, I felt inexplicably irritable, wanting to smash things, break things, scream, and isolate myself from everyone, not speaking at all… At my worst, my hands began to shake, I felt nauseous, and tears would flow uncontrollably (and I didn’t know why), along with chest tightness and pain (I went to the hospital, and the pulmonologist said there was no issue).
Afterward, I locked myself in the dormitory bathroom, immersed in a state of breakdown, irritability, and depression, squatting on the floor and crying.
I held my head and grabbed my hair, crying intensely, but this time I realized that no matter how much I cried, the tightness in my chest remained.
Suddenly, I felt like I was going insane.
It was a heart-wrenching feeling; even when my nails dug into my flesh, I felt no pain… In that moment, I saw a woman hanging, and I instinctively felt that it was me… I laughed! The next day, I went to class as usual, and while crossing the street, a friend pulled me back.
She scolded me loudly for walking in front of a car, but I wanted to tell her: at that moment, I saw nothing.
It was then that I realized the seriousness of the situation.
During that time, I cried every day, planning to call home, but I couldn’t bring myself to say anything or describe my feelings.
Even when I did speak, I only received dismissive responses.
I couldn’t attend classes, I couldn’t smile.
So, I sought counseling at school, thinking I was getting better, but recently I realized I was just burying my feelings.
Since this semester began, I have started sleeping poorly, often having nightmares, and tears would flow before sleep, yet I felt no sadness.
Every day felt empty, life seemed aimless, I didn’t want to do anything, and I began to avoid people.
When I saw classmates on the street, I would look down and walk quickly past them, avoiding them whenever possible, feeling that people were complicated and dirty.
I felt like I was alive only because I hadn’t died yet.
Every day felt exhausting, my heart felt heavy, and I wanted to be in a place where I didn’t know anyone.
I didn’t want friends anymore; they only brought pain.
I know this isn’t good, but what should I do…

bloody, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2016/10/22

Dr. Qiu Junda reply Psychiatry

Hello: The symptoms described in your letter are more severe than those of the average person.
If there is indeed a cyclical pattern, further evaluation is needed to determine the possibility of a serious mood disorder and whether medication treatment is necessary.
It is recommended that you consult a mental health professional at a nearby psychiatric facility as soon as possible to improve your condition and restore a healthy life.

Reply Date: 2016/10/22

More Info

It sounds like you are going through an incredibly difficult time, and I want to acknowledge the depth of your feelings and experiences. What you are describing appears to be a complex interplay of emotions that could be indicative of a mental health condition, such as depression or anxiety. Understanding the distinction between emotional turmoil and clinical depression is crucial for your well-being.

Firstly, it's important to recognize that experiencing emotional highs and lows is a normal part of life. However, when these feelings become overwhelming, persistent, and interfere with daily functioning, it may signal a more serious issue. Clinical depression is characterized by a range of symptoms that can include persistent sadness, loss of interest in activities, changes in appetite or sleep patterns, feelings of worthlessness or guilt, and even thoughts of self-harm or suicide. The cyclical nature of your emotional outbursts, as you've described, could suggest a pattern that aligns with mood disorders.

Your experiences of crying without understanding the cause, feeling a sense of emptiness, and having physical symptoms like chest pain and trembling are significant. These could be manifestations of anxiety or panic attacks, which often accompany depression. The fact that you feel disconnected from your emotions and find yourself laughing at moments of despair indicates a struggle with emotional regulation, which is common in individuals facing mental health challenges.

It’s also concerning that you’ve mentioned thoughts of self-harm and feeling like you are a burden. These thoughts can be very serious and should not be taken lightly. It’s crucial to seek professional help if you haven’t already. A mental health professional can provide a safe space for you to explore these feelings and develop coping strategies. Therapy, particularly cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), has been shown to be effective in treating depression and anxiety by helping individuals reframe negative thought patterns and develop healthier coping mechanisms.

In addition to therapy, medication may also be an option worth discussing with a psychiatrist. Antidepressants can help regulate the chemicals in your brain that affect mood and emotions. However, medication should always be considered in conjunction with therapy for the best outcomes.

You mentioned that you have sought counseling at school, which is a positive step. However, if you feel that your issues are not being adequately addressed, it may be beneficial to seek additional support outside of school. Community mental health centers or private therapists can offer different perspectives and treatment options.

As for your feelings of isolation and the desire to withdraw from social interactions, it’s important to remember that while it may feel easier to isolate yourself, human connection is vital for healing. Consider reaching out to trusted friends or family members, even if it feels daunting. Sharing your feelings can alleviate some of the burdens you carry.

Lastly, it’s essential to practice self-care during this challenging time. Engage in activities that bring you joy, even if they seem small. Exercise, journaling, or creative outlets can provide relief and help you process your emotions. Mindfulness and relaxation techniques, such as meditation or deep breathing exercises, can also be beneficial in managing anxiety and emotional distress.

In conclusion, your feelings are valid, and seeking help is a courageous step. You are not alone in this journey, and there are resources available to support you. Please consider reaching out to a mental health professional who can guide you through this challenging time and help you find a path toward healing and understanding.

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