Struggling Single Mom: Navigating Mental Health and Parenting Challenges

Q: Struggling Single Mom: Navigating Mental Health and Parenting Challenges

Hello, Jia-Fang： As a mother of three girls and a working professional, you have worked hard. <br>For issues related to parent-child education, I suggest contacting the "Family Education Center" in your local city or county; you can find their phone number online. <br>They have s

Am I sick?

I am a single mother raising three daughters.
My eldest has been taken care of by my former mother-in-law since birth and is now in her first year of high school.
From a young age, my eldest has always followed her grandmother's wishes regarding everything from food to clothing and education.
Even when I buy her clothes, I face criticism.
Now that she has long hair that reaches her waist, I want to help her cut it short, but her grandmother has firmly stated that no one is allowed to touch her hair except for her.
Because my eldest was raised by her grandmother, she is afraid to express her own opinions.
Although she appears obedient, she is actually timid and unable to voice her thoughts.
I want to bring my child back to live with me because teenage girls need their mothers the most during this time, but I feel powerless to do so.
It often feels like my eldest is merely my biological child, but truly belongs to her grandmother [first sense of helplessness].
My second daughter has a stubborn and mischievous personality.
Since kindergarten, she has often thrown tantrums and disrespects me as her mother.
Although her father has disciplined her several times, the situation has only improved slightly; it remains inconsistent.
I have tried to communicate with her, but no matter how hard I try, I cannot reach her emotionally.
She rarely expresses her feelings, making it difficult for me to understand her.
Additionally, as a working woman, I leave for work early in the morning and have to manage chores like grocery shopping and cooking after work.
I am naturally an impatient person, and when I see her procrastinating on tasks I ask her to help with, I inevitably get angry.
This situation has become a daily occurrence, and over time, it has evolved into a pattern where I end up yelling whenever I am home and not at work.
I feel that taking a day off is more exhausting than working because my second and third daughters argue constantly, and their fighting causes me severe headaches, leading to more yelling.
Recently, the ongoing parenting issues with my eldest have taken a significant toll on me, and my second daughter's rebellious nature makes it even harder.
I feel like I am constantly busy for them, and I often have to deal with my second daughter's tantrums, which makes me feel that everything I do is worthless.
I do not receive the respect I desire from my children, which deepens the emotional distance between my second daughter and me.
I have even considered taking her for child psychological counseling.

Today, an unexpected incident revealed another side of me to my colleague, who has worked with me for three years: I suffer from panic disorder.
When faced with sudden, unfamiliar situations, I exhibit extreme impatience and irritability, but I was unaware of this.
My colleague pointed out that my poor relationship with my children stems from the stress I bring home.
Although it was not stated outright, my children have sensed it, and I tend to be irritable and particularly dislike noise at home.
I am unsure if it is due to my inability to manage my emotions or if I genuinely bring stress home.
After an argument with my second daughter, I was so upset that I cried in my room and even set a poor example (self-harm).

Doctor, can you help this helpless mother? I long to interact with my children as friends, sharing everything openly, but it feels so difficult.
Who can help me and tell me what I should do? If I need to see a doctor, which specialty should I consult? I am a bit panicked because I have never encountered this before, so I hope you understand.

Zhang Jiafang, 30~39 year old female. Ask Date: 2016/12/14

Dr. Wu Enliang reply Psychiatry

Hello, Jia-Fang: As a mother of three girls and a working professional, you have worked hard.
For issues related to parent-child education, I suggest contacting the "Family Education Center" in your local city or county; you can find their phone number online.
They have specialized social workers who provide free parent-child education services.
Regarding medical care, it is advisable to seek evaluation or psychological treatment from a nearby psychiatry or mental health clinic.
In any case, there are many people in society who can help you, so do not bear this burden alone.
Sincerely, Wu En-Liang.

Reply Date: 2016/12/14

More Info

Navigating the challenges of being a single mother, especially when raising three daughters, can be incredibly overwhelming. Your situation highlights several critical issues, including the impact of external influences on your parenting, the emotional struggles you face, and the need for support in managing both your mental health and your relationships with your children.

Firstly, it’s essential to recognize that your feelings of helplessness and frustration are valid. Parenting is a demanding job, and when you add the complexities of a single-parent household, the stress can multiply. The dynamic with your eldest daughter, who has been raised primarily by her grandmother, is particularly challenging. It’s common for children in such situations to feel torn between loyalties, which can lead to difficulties in expressing their own needs and desires. This can create a sense of distance between you and your daughter, making it feel as though she belongs more to her grandmother than to you.

Your second daughter’s rebellious behavior and the challenges in communication you face with her are also significant. It’s not uncommon for children to act out, especially when they feel they are not being heard or understood. The fact that you are juggling a demanding job while trying to manage household responsibilities adds another layer of difficulty. Your feelings of anger and frustration, particularly when your daughters argue, are understandable. It’s important to acknowledge that these emotions can sometimes lead to a cycle of negativity that affects your relationships with your children.

The realization that you may be bringing stress from work into your home is a crucial insight. Children are incredibly perceptive and can pick up on their parents' emotional states. When you are feeling overwhelmed, it can be challenging to maintain a calm and nurturing environment. This can lead to a breakdown in communication and connection with your children, which is what you seem to be experiencing.

To address these challenges, consider the following steps:
1. Seek Professional Help: It’s vital to consult with a mental health professional who can help you navigate your feelings of anxiety and frustration. A psychologist or psychiatrist can provide you with coping strategies and may suggest therapy or medication if necessary. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is particularly effective for managing anxiety and improving emotional regulation.

2. Family Therapy: Engaging in family therapy could be beneficial for you and your daughters. A therapist can facilitate conversations that may be difficult to have on your own, helping to bridge the communication gap and foster a more supportive environment.

3. Establish Boundaries: It’s important to set boundaries with your children, especially regarding their interactions with their grandmother. While it’s essential to respect the bond they have, it’s equally important for your daughters to understand that you are their primary caregiver and that your role is significant in their lives.

4. Self-Care: Prioritize self-care to manage your stress levels. This could include regular exercise, mindfulness practices, or simply taking time for yourself to recharge. When you take care of your mental health, you’ll be better equipped to handle parenting challenges.

5. Open Communication: Work on creating an environment where your daughters feel safe to express their thoughts and feelings. Encourage them to share their opinions and validate their emotions, which can help them feel more secure and connected to you.

6. Support Networks: Reach out to support groups for single parents or local community resources that can provide assistance and understanding. Connecting with others who are in similar situations can help alleviate feelings of isolation.

7. Educational Resources: Consider seeking out parenting workshops or resources that focus on effective communication and discipline strategies. These can provide you with tools to manage your daughters’ behaviors more effectively.

In conclusion, your desire to have a close, communicative relationship with your children is commendable, and it’s clear that you care deeply for them. By seeking help and implementing strategies to manage your stress and improve communication, you can work towards creating a more harmonious home environment. Remember, it’s okay to ask for help, and taking steps to care for your mental health is a crucial part of being the best parent you can be.

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