Transforming Emotions: Coping with Anxiety and Relationship Struggles

Q: Transforming Emotions: Coping with Anxiety and Relationship Struggles

Hello Grace： It seems that you were initially very concerned about your boyfriend's anger and unhappiness, feeling that it was difficult to endure such an atmosphere. <br>You made a great effort to change the situation using various methods. <br>The self-harm that followed may re

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over a year, and during this time, my temperament has changed significantly?

Before this boyfriend, I had a previous boyfriend for five years.
During those five years, I never cried or shouted out of anger.
We rarely argued, and when we did, we never yelled at each other.
So, I always thought I had a good temper.
I tend to be easygoing and don’t get worked up over many things.
Perhaps because of this, I often overlook minor issues.
I always thought, "It's just a small matter! Even if I get angry, I’ll calm down quickly!" However, since I met my current boyfriend, I’ve realized that I seem to have changed...
My boyfriend is very sensitive and often gets upset over a careless comment or if I don’t reply to a message.
When he was angry last year, he wouldn’t explain why he was upset and would suddenly disappear or give me the silent treatment, which made me realize he was angry.
Over time, I felt increasingly anxious.
Whenever I sensed something was off, I would anticipate spending the next five to seven days constantly apologizing, and just thinking about it made me feel uncomfortable all over.
To restore peace and quickly return to a good state, I would apologize for even the smallest things.
After a while, I started to feel imbalanced...
I became reluctant to apologize and indifferent to the silent treatment.
Gradually, I noticed that whenever he was unhappy, I would pinch my hands, then progress to pinching my thighs, and eventually, I would hurt myself and realize my legs were covered in bruises.
In recent months, I have cut my wrists with a knife and wondered if I had a personality disorder or if I was just incapable of handling things, which led me to unintentionally upset others.
I even contemplated suicide because I couldn’t find answers and didn’t know how to improve.
Whenever we argued over trivial matters, my apologies and explanations seemed futile, and I would act out in a frenzy, using sharp objects to hurt myself.
Each time I did this, he would forget his anger and come to stop me.
Over time, I seemed to learn that if I acted this way, he wouldn’t be angry anymore.
But I really hate this version of myself; it feels like I’m losing my mind.
I don’t want to continue like this.
Am I suffering from bipolar disorder?

Grace, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2017/01/16

Dr. Liang Sunyuan reply Psychiatry

Hello Grace: It seems that you were initially very concerned about your boyfriend's anger and unhappiness, feeling that it was difficult to endure such an atmosphere.
You made a great effort to change the situation using various methods.
The self-harm that followed may reflect a deep sense of emptiness and distress, becoming a form of distraction.
I suggest that you take good care of your body and mind, and find alternative ways to relieve your inner sadness.
Listening to music, writing, reading, and exercising are all options to consider.
It's important to treat yourself well on a regular basis.
The next time you feel emotional, take a deep breath, calm down, and think clearly about what is making you angry.
Then consider whether there are other solutions.
If you continue to feel very troubled, I recommend seeking medical assistance.
Wishing you all the best.

Reply Date: 2017/01/16

More Info

It sounds like you're experiencing a significant emotional upheaval in your current relationship, which is leading to anxiety and self-destructive behaviors. The situation you describe is concerning and suggests that you may be dealing with emotional dysregulation, which can manifest in various ways, including anxiety, depression, and even self-harm.
Firstly, it's important to recognize that your feelings are valid. Transitioning from a previous relationship where you felt stable and secure to one that triggers anxiety and emotional distress can be incredibly challenging. The fact that you were able to maintain a calm demeanor in your previous relationship indicates that you may have a different emotional dynamic with your current partner. This shift can lead to confusion about your own emotional responses and behaviors.

Your description of feeling anxious and preemptively apologizing to avoid conflict suggests that you may be experiencing a form of anxiety that is exacerbated by your partner's reactions. When someone is sensitive and tends to withdraw or engage in silent treatment, it can create a cycle of anxiety for the other partner. You may find yourself constantly on edge, trying to anticipate your partner's feelings and reactions, which can lead to a sense of losing control over your own emotions.

The self-harm behaviors you mentioned, such as cutting and bruising yourself, are serious and indicate that you are in a lot of emotional pain. These actions can be a way to cope with overwhelming feelings, but they are not healthy coping mechanisms. It's crucial to understand that hurting yourself is not a solution and can lead to more severe mental health issues.

You asked if you might have bipolar disorder. While I cannot diagnose you, the emotional swings you describe—feeling calm and collected one moment and then experiencing intense emotional pain the next—could suggest a mood disorder. However, these symptoms can also be indicative of other conditions, such as anxiety disorders or borderline personality disorder, which is characterized by emotional instability and difficulty in relationships.

Here are some steps you can take to address your situation:
1. Seek Professional Help: It is vital to consult with a mental health professional who can provide a proper assessment and diagnosis. Therapy can help you explore your feelings, develop healthier coping strategies, and improve your emotional regulation.

2. Communicate with Your Partner: While it may be difficult, having an open and honest conversation with your partner about how their reactions affect you could be beneficial. Expressing your feelings without assigning blame can help create a more understanding environment.

3. Develop Healthy Coping Mechanisms: Instead of resorting to self-harm, try to find healthier ways to cope with your emotions. This could include journaling, engaging in physical activity, practicing mindfulness or meditation, or exploring creative outlets like art or music.

4. Establish Boundaries: If your partner's behavior is causing you significant distress, it may be necessary to set boundaries regarding how conflicts are handled. Healthy relationships require mutual respect and understanding.

5. Educate Yourself: Learning more about emotional regulation and mental health can empower you to understand your feelings better and recognize when you need support.

6. Build a Support Network: Surround yourself with supportive friends or family members who can provide encouragement and understanding during difficult times.

Remember, you are not alone in this struggle, and seeking help is a sign of strength. It’s essential to prioritize your mental health and well-being.

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