Overcoming People-Pleasing: Finding Your Voice in Relationships

Interpersonal Relationships: People-Pleasing Personality

Hello, Doctor.
What should I do? I am someone who really cares about what others think and how they perceive me.
In middle and high school, I experienced social exclusion, and the biggest issue is that I seem unable to express my thoughts clearly.
At that moment, I was genuinely afraid to express myself and even felt like I forgot what my thoughts were and what I should express.
Later, I became close with another group of friends from high school, and I could open up and talk to them.
They didn't find me difficult to get along with (we still occasionally keep in touch).
Now in college, I am facing a new group of friends with whom I live together, including myself, there are about four of us (we have been interacting for almost a year).
In high school, we were all classmates, and they were already a group of friends.
I was not familiar with them back then, but now, living together in college, I find it hard to warm up and cannot truly open up.
I still fear the adjustment and interaction with them.
Although sometimes we can laugh and talk, I still suppress many emotions inside and am afraid to express them.
I often feel like I have nothing to talk about with them, and I worry about saying the wrong thing, offending others, whether they will dislike me because of what I say, or if my words will hurt them.
I feel like I cannot integrate with everyone and often feel invisible.
I always seek my friends' opinions before doing anything, asking if it's okay or if I should do it.
Sometimes, if I fail to help my friends with what they asked me to do, even though they have clearly stated that it's fine, I still care too much and want to confirm repeatedly that they are not angry, feeling guilty and wanting to make it up to them.
When they sometimes chat with each other without including me, I feel insecure and keep wondering if I did something wrong or if I am boring and they don't want to talk to me.
This concern leads me to perform poorly and behave inappropriately.
I dare not voice the pressure I feel inside, and they have recently noticed my strange behavior and asked me what is wrong.
They want to know how to avoid making me feel bad and what they can do to show that they care about me.
They told me their views about me: 1.
They think I get too attached to things I shouldn't.
2.
They find me difficult to deal with, unable to take jokes, and often take jokes seriously.
3.
They wonder why I often feel they don't care about me.
4.
I tend to think they don't take me seriously.
5.
I overthink too easily.
I know they ask these questions with good intentions, but when they tell me and ask me, I don't know how to respond, feel a lot of pressure, and am afraid that expressing my true feelings will disappoint them.
Although I know I should express myself, I can't take that step to share my most genuine thoughts.
The pressure is so overwhelming that I even forget what my original reasons and thoughts are.
How can I discuss these issues with my friends? What is wrong with me? In middle school, I shared my thoughts with a friend, and they only told me, "I am very disappointed in you." After that, I lost contact with my middle school friends, and being excluded led me to believe that my true thoughts and personality are disappointing to others.
I feel like I cannot read people's expressions or discern if they are joking.
I take my friends' words to heart and repeatedly think about whether they were joking or mocking me.
I really dislike this part of myself, being overly concerned about whether others like me or not, which prevents me from properly interacting with new groups and expressing myself.
I fear that if this continues, I might face the same issues with different people again.
Recently, I have been thinking about how I can open up.
I have read online that many people say to face oneself honestly and learn to get along with oneself, to express thoughts properly.
But my question is, how can I do that? How can I face myself, understand myself, and express my thoughts well?

Ms. Chen, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2017/04/03

Dr. Ding Shuyan reply Psychiatry

Hello, first of all, this is a problem that almost everyone has encountered.
Some people brush it off quickly with a smile, while others repeatedly dwell on it in their minds.
As you mentioned, it often stems from past experiences of feeling rejected or hurt by peers or loved ones, which can leave a lasting shadow that affects our self-confidence and makes us more sensitive in interpersonal relationships.
I sense that your current roommates do not have any negative views of you and are relatively friendly, while it seems you are the one feeling tense and guarded around them.

However, even so, you do not need to be hard on yourself or feel obligated to change in a specific way to improve this situation.
In my experience, such efforts can actually make you feel more tense, making those negative thoughts harder to shake off.
Due to space limitations, I can only introduce one effective method called Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy.
You can search for information online and try practicing it yourself.
If there are workshops led by experts, you might consider attending; if not, practicing on your own can also be beneficial.

My understanding is that the core technique involves becoming aware when you fall back into that negative thought cycle and immediately redirecting your attention to your bodily sensations, particularly the rise and fall of your abdomen while breathing.
There’s no need to forcefully combat those negative thoughts; this can help you gradually break free from the constraints and start to feel a sense of openness.
This method does not focus on evaluating whether our thoughts are rational or on taking measures to replace them with positive thoughts, making it relatively simple for self-practice.

However, because it sounds straightforward and may seem lacking in sophistication, many people might doubt its effectiveness.
If this approach does not work for you, consider consulting a doctor or a mental health professional; I believe this issue is not too difficult to address.
Wishing you all the best.

Sincerely,
Dr.
Ding Shuo-Yan

Reply Date: 2017/04/03

More Info

Overcoming the tendency to please others and finding your voice in relationships can be a challenging journey, especially when past experiences of exclusion or rejection have left a mark on your self-esteem and communication style. It sounds like you are grappling with a complex mix of anxiety, fear of judgment, and a desire for connection, which is not uncommon among individuals who have faced social challenges in the past. Here are some strategies that may help you navigate this situation and foster healthier relationships.

Understanding Your Feelings
First, it's essential to acknowledge that your feelings are valid. The fear of expressing yourself and the anxiety about how others perceive you can stem from previous experiences of being marginalized or misunderstood. This fear can create a cycle where you hold back your thoughts and feelings, leading to further isolation and misunderstanding. Understanding that this is a common response to past trauma can help you be kinder to yourself as you work through these feelings.

Building Self-Awareness
To express your thoughts and feelings more openly, you first need to develop a deeper understanding of yourself. Here are some steps to help you with this process:
1. Journaling: Start a journal where you can freely express your thoughts and feelings without judgment. Writing can help clarify your emotions and identify patterns in your thinking. Over time, you may notice recurring themes that can guide your conversations with others.

2. Mindfulness Practices: Engage in mindfulness or meditation exercises that encourage you to focus on the present moment. This practice can help reduce anxiety and improve your ability to connect with your thoughts and feelings without being overwhelmed by them.

3. Self-Reflection: Spend time reflecting on your values, interests, and what you genuinely enjoy. This can help you articulate your thoughts more clearly when engaging with others.

Practicing Communication
Once you have a better understanding of yourself, you can begin to practice expressing your thoughts and feelings:
1. Start Small: Begin by sharing your thoughts in low-stakes situations. This could be as simple as expressing a preference for a movie or a restaurant. Gradually increase the complexity of what you share as you become more comfortable.

2. Use "I" Statements: When discussing your feelings, use "I" statements to express how you feel without placing blame. For example, "I feel anxious when I think I might upset someone" is more constructive than "You make me anxious."
3. Seek Feedback: When you do express yourself, ask for feedback from your friends. This can help you gauge their reactions and adjust your communication style accordingly.

Building Trust in Relationships
Establishing trust with your new friends is crucial for open communication:
1. Be Vulnerable: Share your experiences and fears with your friends. Let them know that you sometimes struggle with expressing yourself. This vulnerability can foster deeper connections and encourage them to be more understanding.

2. Encourage Open Dialogue: Create an environment where everyone feels safe to express their thoughts and feelings. Encourage your friends to share their own experiences, which can help normalize the conversation around vulnerability.

3. Set Boundaries: It's essential to recognize your limits. If you feel overwhelmed, it's okay to take a step back and communicate that to your friends. Setting boundaries can help you feel more secure in your relationships.

Seeking Professional Help
If you find that your anxiety and fear of judgment are significantly impacting your daily life and relationships, consider seeking support from a mental health professional. Therapy can provide you with tools to manage anxiety, improve communication skills, and build self-esteem. A therapist can also help you process past experiences that may be influencing your current behavior.

Conclusion
Finding your voice in relationships is a gradual process that requires patience and self-compassion. By understanding your feelings, practicing communication, and building trust with your friends, you can create a more fulfilling social experience. Remember, it's okay to seek help along the way, and taking small steps can lead to significant changes over time. You are not alone in this journey, and with effort and support, you can overcome the challenges you face in expressing yourself and connecting with others.

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