Emotional Abuse: The Struggle with Intentional Cold Violence

Deliberate emotional violence against others?

Hello Doctor: I apologize for the lengthy message, and I appreciate your time and assistance.
I have been struggling with an issue regarding my tendency to inflict emotional abuse on those around me.
Specifically, when someone makes a minor mistake, I go to great lengths to make them feel ashamed, guilty, sad, worthless, and incapable, often leaving them with a sense of helplessness that feels irreparable in the moment.
Rationally, I understand that this behavior is harmful, but it is incredibly difficult to change because I derive a certain pleasure from hurting others.
I enjoy making people suffer, and I am fully aware that those who are closest to me experience even greater pain when treated this way, which only encourages me to target them more.
Witnessing their suffering feels akin to inflicting pain on a wound; their helplessness brings me a sense of satisfaction.
At the same time, I find it hard to resist the urge to make others want to be close to me.
Even if it's unintentional, I am generally well-liked, and many people rely on me in social situations.
Sometimes, even when I am somewhat abrasive, rude, or domineering, it seems to draw people closer.
They describe me as decisive, lively, generous, intelligent, and gentle.
More and more people tell me, "I don't know why, but I find myself showing my vulnerable side in front of you," and in those moments of vulnerability, I feel compelled to exploit it.
I use their weaknesses, their seemingly fragile declarations, their softness, and their defensiveness against them.
They cry, panic, feel guilty, and become anxious, while I feel a sense of pleasure beneath my facade of comfort.
I am not concerned that they will leave me; I have confidence in their reliance on me.
Even if they were to leave, I wouldn't mind too much.
Perhaps this emotional abuse has never stemmed from a desire to keep them or test them; more often than not, it is simply a source of pure enjoyment.
My family has a history of psychological abuse, with each member having their own methods of causing pain, whether by feigning weakness or making others feel inadequate.
I sometimes wonder if this is hereditary or learned behavior.
In any case, I find it very difficult to change.
Each time I realize I am inflicting emotional abuse, I have never felt regret—only excitement, a bloodthirsty excitement.
Once that excitement fades, I feel a bit of remorse, but mostly I find it bothersome, like having to clean up after throwing my toys everywhere.
So, is there a way to adjust this behavior? After all, continuing down this path could lead to significant problems.
I cannot keep hurting those close to me.
In middle school, a junior committed suicide because of my actions, leaving the school restroom covered in blood.
I remember looking at the blood and finding it fascinating to see what a cut looked like.
In high school, a classmate ended up seeing a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with depression.
A senior in college cried for several days due to my deliberate harm and reportedly drank himself into a stupor in the dorm garden.
I cannot feel their pain, but I recognize that this situation is troublesome.
Honestly, I consider myself fortunate to have encountered good people; otherwise, I worry about potential retaliation.
Thus, I must change; at the very least, I need to rein it in.
However, I find it difficult to stop myself in the moment of inflicting harm.
What should I do? (I have tried exercising, but it seems to increase my aggression.
Eating "happy foods" like bananas hasn't helped either.) Is this an emotional issue? Or...? I have researched antisocial personality disorder, but I have no history of violence, I am responsible in my actions (at least that's the feedback I receive), I do not break rules, and I have no history of illegal behavior, so I don't fit the profile of antisocial personality disorder.
I am not depressed, not manic, have no hallucinations or delusions, sleep well, can even have lucid dreams, and maintain a regular exercise, lifestyle, and diet.
People generally like me and depend on me.
In summary, I am uncertain about my situation and need ways to improve.
Thank you.

Nìmíng, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2017/09/30

Dr. Huang Huiqun reply Psychiatry

Hello, your description is very detailed, and I can sense your confusion.
What you are describing involves intentional emotional abuse towards those close to you, causing emotional harm to them.
Initially, it may feel exhilarating, but later it can lead to feelings of distress.
The psychological mechanisms at play are quite complex, and individual counseling and assessment are necessary to understand your situation.
Perhaps through evaluation and psychotherapy, you can explore and find ways to create change.
Wishing you well.

Reply Date: 2017/09/30

More Info

It sounds like you are grappling with some complex emotional and behavioral issues, particularly regarding your interactions with others and the feelings of pleasure you derive from causing them pain. This phenomenon, often referred to as "emotional abuse" or "psychological manipulation," can have deep roots in one's upbringing, personality traits, and past experiences. Understanding these dynamics is crucial for both your well-being and the well-being of those around you.

Firstly, it's important to recognize that the behaviors you describe—deliberately inflicting emotional pain on others—can be indicative of underlying psychological issues. While you may not fit the criteria for antisocial personality disorder, your enjoyment in causing distress to others suggests a potential lack of empathy or an emotional disconnect. This could stem from various factors, including learned behaviors from family dynamics, where emotional manipulation was normalized, or even unresolved personal trauma.

The fact that you derive pleasure from others' pain may also indicate a need for control or power in your relationships. This can be a coping mechanism for feelings of inadequacy or insecurity. When you see others in distress, it may temporarily alleviate your own feelings of helplessness or inadequacy, providing a false sense of empowerment. However, this cycle is ultimately destructive—not only to those you target but also to yourself, as it can lead to isolation and a lack of genuine connections.

To address these issues, it is essential to seek professional help. A mental health professional, such as a psychologist or psychiatrist, can provide a safe space for you to explore these feelings and behaviors. Therapy can help you develop healthier coping mechanisms, improve your emotional regulation, and foster empathy towards others. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is particularly effective in addressing patterns of thought and behavior that contribute to emotional distress.

In addition to therapy, consider engaging in self-reflection practices. Journaling about your feelings and behaviors can help you gain insight into your motivations and the consequences of your actions. Mindfulness practices, such as meditation or deep-breathing exercises, can also help you become more aware of your emotional state and reduce impulsive reactions.

It's also crucial to cultivate empathy. Try to put yourself in the shoes of those you interact with. Consider how your words and actions affect their emotional state. This shift in perspective can be challenging but is vital for developing healthier relationships. Engaging in volunteer work or community service can also help foster a sense of connection and empathy towards others.

Lastly, it's important to acknowledge that change takes time. Be patient with yourself as you navigate this journey. Recognizing the need for change is the first step, and seeking help is a courageous move. Surround yourself with supportive individuals who can encourage your growth and hold you accountable for your actions.

In conclusion, while the behaviors you describe are concerning, they are not insurmountable. With the right support and commitment to change, you can develop healthier relationships and find fulfillment that does not rely on the suffering of others. Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength, and taking steps towards understanding and healing can lead to a more fulfilling and connected life.

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