Anxiety and Trauma: Navigating Mental Health Challenges - Psychiatry

Anxiety Disorder/Panic Disorder/Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)/Social Anxiety Disorder/Depression

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The content is quite extensive, and I appreciate your efforts, doctor.
I want to confirm whether I am unwell...

First part: I have a boyfriend whom I met when I was 18 years old.
He is several years older than me and had just broken up with his ex-girlfriend when we met.
Looking back, I feel that he was just lonely and wanted a girlfriend to accompany him, which is why he pursued me.
(I would advise all men not to start a new relationship before they have moved on; doing so only makes the new girlfriend a substitute.) His way of treating me back then was not out of love.
However, at the time when I loved him the most, he trampled all over my kindness towards him.
Initially, like any other girl, I had never had a boyfriend before; he was my first, so I had no experience in love.
I devoted myself wholeheartedly to him, and everything was a first for me, including kissing, holding hands, and hugging...
and we almost went all the way (but I should clarify that we never did go all the way) because I am quite conservative and believe such things should be reserved for after marriage.

Now, reflecting on those years brings me pain each time I think about it.
At the time, I didn’t realize how poorly he treated me, but now I truly feel he was incredibly selfish, and I was foolish for putting up with it.
At first, he treated me well, which is what we call the "honeymoon phase." However, after that phase, his true nature emerged.
It’s common on the internet to say that girls start to rely on boys for everything, but they don’t realize that this is just the boys’ way of pursuing them.
After the honeymoon phase, I often cried and felt upset, wondering why he wasn’t the same and if he no longer loved me, which made him feel annoyed and impatient, even wanting to ignore me.

This is just a small part of the story; it’s about to get more serious.
Because he was older, I tended to listen to him and didn’t have my own opinions.
I just wanted to give my all to him, which unknowingly became the beginning of my suffering...

1.
He started teaching me to sneak out of my house to sleep at his place because he always wanted to be with me, not realizing that my family was very strict and would never agree.
But for him, I compromised, and now I feel so sorry for my family because I lied about many things.

2.
After the honeymoon phase, he began to speak to me with sarcasm.
Whenever we argued, he would say the most hurtful things (including criticizing the qualities I thought were good about myself, which led to my current lack of confidence).

3.
When we went out with his colleagues, he treated me like a little woman, making me buy this and that, as if I were just a tool.

4.
He forbade me from having any contact with other boys, even chatting.
If I did, he would get extremely angry and yell at me.
I once cut off all contact with my friends just to avoid making him mad.

5.
He turned me, a clean woman, into someone I felt was dirty in terms of sexual matters because I was conservative, and now I feel ashamed.

6.
Whenever we argued and I didn’t agree with him, he would threaten to take his own life, saying he would jump off a building.
At the time, I was foolish enough to believe him.

7.
Sometimes, when he was too angry, he would physically threaten me; there was a time he choked me and pinned me against the wall while verbally abusing me.

8.
He could do things I wasn’t allowed to do; if I did them, he would scold me harshly.
For example: going out with friends (especially if there were boys), drinking at parties, going out at night, or not replying to messages.

9.
For him, I almost sneaked out of my house every day to live with him, but he insisted that I stay with him.
I ended up cleaning his house, doing the dishes, and laundry, feeling trapped in his home.
I was afraid to tell him where I was going or if I wanted to hang out with friends.

10.
One day, because I didn’t want to have sex with him, he turned his back to me and got angry (we were both naked in bed at the time).
I was willing to undress for him, but he...

11.
Even when I did the right thing, he would still scold me first before accepting it.
For example, we planned a trip, and when I booked a hotel a week in advance, he yelled at me for doing it too early and questioned who would pay for it.

12.
Once, I went out feeling down, but my scooter broke down, and I had to walk a long way to get it fixed.
Of course, I didn’t have time to reply to messages, and when he called, he yelled at me for not responding.
I explained that my scooter was broken, but he just wanted to know where I was, not genuinely worried about my situation.

13.
When I had my period, I would take off my pants to satisfy his physical needs, even though I repeatedly said no and that I was uncomfortable.
He kept convincing me that it would be over quickly.

14.
Sometimes, when he was in the mood, he would finish first and then leave me aside.

15.
He constantly talked about his ex-girlfriend, as if he missed her.
His phone records often showed searches related to her, and once, he even told me a place was where he had his first kiss with her.

16.
He often said derogatory things to me, which made me lose confidence and affected my social life.
I became less sociable and felt like I was losing myself.

Honestly, I used to neglect myself for him.
I would buy gifts for him and neglect my own needs, like skincare, clothes, and makeup.
I looked back at old photos and realized I looked terrible: my hair was dyed poorly, my skin was dark, I didn’t know how to take care of myself, I was slightly overweight, and I had dark circles under my eyes.
In contrast, before I met him, I looked fresh, had fair skin, a smile, a slim figure, confidence, and good social skills.

So why do I say he was once terrible? Because he has changed now.
Yes, I am still with him.
After being treated this way, I initially tolerated it, but later I started to value my own thoughts and stopped putting in so much effort for him.
I became numb to his words and began to change my behavior.
I was actually prepared to leave him, and from that point on, he started to change his behavior towards me, slowly treating me well.
Now, he treats me like a princess, almost as if he has been reborn.

Why? Because I learned to love myself.
After enduring so much pain, I removed all my expectations of him and started to focus on my own life, setting my own goals.
I began to take care of myself, buying skincare products, makeup, and clothes.
I became more assertive and would express my feelings directly, no longer relying on him or seeking him out constantly.
I worked hard to improve myself so he wouldn’t look down on me.
I no longer treated him as my entire world, so I stopped doing things for him that I used to do, like spending thousands on gifts, surprising him often, following his opinions, and doing household chores.

I constantly remind myself never to return to the person I was before, the one who was so submissive and didn’t love herself.
Now, everything has flipped; he does things for me, and I slowly started treating him like he used to treat me.
I don’t want to be this way, but I feel resentful.
It’s like there’s an angel and a devil in my heart—one telling me not to treat him that way, and the other saying I should treat him as he treated me.
Although he is genuinely good to me now, sometimes when I think of those past moments, I still get very angry, and I can only keep it inside.

He knows he treated me poorly in the past, so he is now trying hard to be a good boyfriend.

Question: I am currently getting along well with him, but due to the previous mental stress, I have become insecure.
I have male friends but hesitate to interact with them because I think of the past.
I often feel pain when recalling those experiences, and my social confidence has diminished (because of how I was treated before), leading me to find socializing exhausting, even though I am no longer restricted by him.
I feel compelled to make friends, but my circle has shrunk.
If I want to make male friends, I feel scared, which prevents me from doing so.
My interest in things has also decreased significantly; I no longer engage in activities I once enjoyed.
Sometimes, I want to isolate myself at home because I feel more comfortable there (this has caused me to skip classes and not want to go to school).
When I go out with friends, instead of feeling happy, I feel anxious, and I might even lose sleep at night worrying about how to avoid awkwardness in conversations.

I often suddenly don’t want to talk to anyone, feeling powerless, and I want to hide in the bathroom to avoid crowds.
In such situations, I feel chest tightness, palpitations, and discomfort, almost like a panic attack (which is why I want to hide).
My speech becomes unnatural, making me seem odd.
I want to seek treatment but am unsure if I am sick.
However, this ongoing situation is causing me a lot of pain.
I usually appear cheerful and sociable to others, but I feel like I only started having problems after "this incident." Before I turned 18, I never had such issues, so I want to ask if I am indeed unwell.

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OOO, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2018/03/30