Navigating a Relationship with a Partner Struggling with Depression

Q: Navigating a Relationship with a Partner Struggling with Depression

Hello Mr. <br>Huang： Thank you for your question. <br>I can sense your love and concern for your girlfriend, as well as your confusion regarding your current relationship. <br>Since I am not aware of the extent of your past arguments or your girlfriend's thoughts on your current

Depression Issues

Hello Doctor, I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for over two years.
Recently, I noticed that she has tendencies towards depression, and I took her to see a doctor.
She mentioned that in the past, during arguments, I would sometimes be harsh with her.
I always considered these incidents as typical couple disputes and didn't pay much attention to them.
However, she recently told me that she feels these experiences have hurt her.
She has started taking medication, and although she feels some improvement and no longer feels depressed, she mentioned wanting to break up because seeing me brings her down and reminds her of the hurt I caused her in the past (when I was harsh with her).

I still love her very much and am trying hard to treat her better; I haven't been harsh with her since.
However, she says that even when she sees me, she still feels bad and wants to break up.
When we spend time together, she seems very happy and laughs a lot, but she tells me that seeing me actually annoys her.
What should I do? Although I don't really want to leave, would it be a good choice to do so? Can I understand this as a conflict between the hurt I caused her and my efforts to be good to her, which has led to this situation? Thank you, Doctor.

Mr. Huang, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2019/11/23

Dr. Lin Mianzhang reply Psychiatry

Hello Mr.
Huang: Thank you for your question.
I can sense your love and concern for your girlfriend, as well as your confusion regarding your current relationship.
Since I am not aware of the extent of your past arguments or your girlfriend's thoughts on your current and past relationship, I cannot provide you with a definitive answer.
In relationships, when one party wishes to break up, there can be many possible reasons.
These include differences in values, unacceptable behaviors, past emotional wounds, fading affection, lifestyle differences, not wanting to burden the other person, or even emotional infidelity.
Although your girlfriend has mentioned that your past actions have hurt her, it is still difficult to determine if that is the sole reason.
Additionally, you have observed that she still seems happy when she is with you, which suggests that the true reasons may still need clarification.
What you can do is to first clarify her expectations regarding your current relationship.
What does she hope for you to do? Or is it the case that no matter what changes you make, she cannot accept you anymore? If it is the former, you can try to communicate the aspects you are willing to change; if it is the latter, further assistance may be needed.
If she is still receiving medical care, you might consider asking her doctor for a referral to a psychologist or social worker for couples counseling to understand the core issues in your relationship.
Wishing you peace and happiness!

Reply Date: 2019/11/23

More Info

Navigating a relationship with a partner who is struggling with depression can be incredibly challenging, especially when past behaviors have contributed to their emotional distress. It’s commendable that you are seeking to understand and support your girlfriend during this difficult time. Here are some insights and suggestions based on your situation.

Firstly, it’s important to recognize that depression is a complex mental health condition that can affect how individuals perceive their relationships and their feelings towards their partners. Your girlfriend’s feelings of discomfort when she sees you, despite enjoying your time together, may stem from unresolved emotional pain related to past conflicts. This is not uncommon; individuals with depression can often feel overwhelmed by their emotions and may struggle to separate their feelings about past experiences from their current reality.

1. Open Communication: It’s crucial to maintain open lines of communication with your girlfriend. Encourage her to express her feelings and thoughts about the relationship. Ask her what specific actions or situations trigger her discomfort. This can help you understand her perspective better and allow you to address any concerns she may have.

2. Seek Professional Help Together: Since your girlfriend is already seeing a doctor and taking medication, it might be beneficial for both of you to consider couples therapy. A therapist can provide a safe space for both of you to express your feelings and work through the issues together. They can also help you understand how to support her better without compromising your own emotional well-being.

3. Be Patient and Understanding: Recovery from depression is not linear; there will be good days and bad days. It’s important to be patient with her and yourself. Understand that her feelings may fluctuate, and this is part of her mental health journey. Your consistent support can be a source of comfort for her.

4. Set Boundaries: While it’s important to be supportive, it’s equally vital to take care of your own mental health. If her behavior or emotional state is affecting you negatively, it’s okay to set boundaries. You can express your need for space or time to recharge without abandoning her.

5. Focus on Positive Interactions: Try to create positive experiences together that can help rebuild her trust and comfort in the relationship. Engage in activities that you both enjoy and that can foster a sense of connection without the weight of past conflicts.

6. Educate Yourself About Depression: Understanding depression can help you empathize with what she is going through. It can also equip you with tools to support her effectively. There are many resources available, including books, articles, and support groups that can provide valuable insights.

7. Consider the Future: If your girlfriend continues to express a desire to end the relationship, it’s essential to respect her feelings. While it’s painful to consider, sometimes the healthiest choice for both partners is to take a step back. This doesn’t mean you don’t care for her; rather, it acknowledges that both of you may need space to heal individually.

In conclusion, navigating a relationship with a partner who has depression requires compassion, patience, and understanding. It’s a journey that may involve ups and downs, but with open communication and professional support, it’s possible to work through these challenges together. Remember to prioritize your own mental health as well, and don’t hesitate to seek support for yourself during this process.

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