Self-Harm: Seeking Help Beyond Hidden Pain

Even though I'm not feeling very sad, I still want to self-harm?

I used to self-harm when I wanted to punish myself or when I felt complicated and depressed, but recently I've been wanting to self-harm more and more, even though I'm not particularly sad.
Maybe I just want to see if anyone notices (but I always cut in places that are hard to see).
Is this a hidden cry for help? I want someone to care about me, but I also think it might be influenced by a friend who recently developed depression and has been self-harming.
I'm not sure why I feel this way, but I just don't want to see unblemished skin; I want to cut it.
Is this strange?
Additionally, although I've been planning or thinking about suicide since I was young, I've never gone through with it (though I've stood on high places wondering if I could die by jumping, and I've felt the impulse to jump onto the tracks).
Just yesterday, I didn't want to get out of bed to get a knife, so I started to choke myself.
Halfway through, I suddenly thought about just dying this way and increased the pressure with my other hand, but then I realized that this method wouldn't actually kill me, so I let go.

I'm not particularly sad; I can still smile, go to school, and chat with people.
Compared to someone with real depression, I feel pretty normal.
I just want to die and want to act on it.
Would seeing a doctor even help me? I've been before, but I felt like the doctor's advice didn't do much; I was just a bit depressed during that time and took some medication.
I don't know what to do next.

Bai, 10~19 year old female. Ask Date: 2020/06/25

Dr. Qiu Junda reply Psychiatry

Hello.
Although the text states (that you are not very sad), it is filled with negative emotions and includes self-harming behaviors.
I hope you can cherish yourself.
Just as you are asking questions, it is likely that you wish to improve your mental and physical well-being.
I recommend that you seek treatment at a mental health clinic as soon as possible (and continue with long-term care).
If that is not convenient, please reach out to the 1925 mental health hotline.
They can also provide counseling, guidance, and referral services to help you address your concerns.

Reply Date: 2020/06/25

More Info

It sounds like you are going through an incredibly difficult time, and I want to acknowledge the pain and confusion you are experiencing. Self-harm and suicidal thoughts are serious issues that require attention and support. It’s important to understand that you are not alone in feeling this way, and there is help available.

Self-harm often serves as a coping mechanism for emotional distress. It can provide a temporary release or distraction from overwhelming feelings, but it is not a healthy or effective long-term solution. The desire to harm oneself can sometimes be a cry for help, a way to express feelings that are too difficult to articulate, or a response to feelings of numbness or emptiness. It’s crucial to recognize that these behaviors are signals of deeper emotional pain that need to be addressed.

You mentioned that you might be influenced by a friend who is also struggling with depression and self-harm. This is not uncommon; our social circles can significantly impact our mental health. It’s essential to be mindful of the influences around you and to seek out supportive relationships that promote healing rather than harm.

Your feelings of wanting to end your life, even if they are not accompanied by intense sadness, are concerning. Suicidal thoughts can arise from a variety of factors, including feelings of hopelessness, isolation, or being overwhelmed by life’s challenges. It’s important to take these thoughts seriously, regardless of how “normal” you may feel in other aspects of your life. The fact that you can still engage in daily activities does not negate the seriousness of your feelings.

You expressed doubt about the effectiveness of seeking professional help, but I encourage you to reconsider. Mental health professionals are trained to help individuals navigate these complex feelings and can provide you with tools and strategies to cope with your emotions in healthier ways. Medication, therapy, or a combination of both can be beneficial in managing symptoms of depression and anxiety. It may take time to find the right approach for you, but persistence is key.

If you feel uncomfortable returning to a previous therapist or doctor, consider seeking a second opinion or finding a new provider. Sometimes, the therapeutic relationship can make a significant difference in the healing process. Additionally, support groups or hotlines can offer immediate assistance and a sense of community.

In the meantime, try to engage in activities that promote self-care and self-compassion. This can include journaling, exercising, or exploring creative outlets. Finding healthy ways to express your emotions can be incredibly beneficial. It’s also important to reach out to trusted friends or family members about how you’re feeling, even if it feels daunting. Sharing your struggles can alleviate some of the burden you carry.

Lastly, if you ever feel like you are in immediate danger of harming yourself or having thoughts of suicide, please seek help right away. Contact a crisis hotline, go to the nearest emergency room, or reach out to someone you trust. Your life is valuable, and there are people who care about you and want to help.

Remember, healing is a journey, and it’s okay to ask for help along the way. You deserve support and understanding as you navigate through this challenging time.

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