Emotional Turmoil: Am I Just Sensitive or Is There More?

Q: Emotional Turmoil: Am I Just Sensitive or Is There More?

Hello： Your decision to write this letter indicates a desire for change within you. <br>The past is behind us, and every moment can be a new beginning. <br>I suggest that you write down your feelings honestly, just as you did in this letter. <br>Remind yourself to stop engaging i

Am I really overly sensitive, or am I just pretending? Or do I have a problem?

I’ve been feeling really confused lately about my emotions; I don’t know if I’m sad or happy.
My mood swings so quickly that when I return to my room, I either cry for two or three hours or feel completely normal.
Every time I resolve to see a doctor, I hesitate.
I’m clearly in pain, yet I also feel joy (even if that joy comes from watching videos).
I keep telling myself that I’m fine, just too extreme in my feelings.
This depression doesn’t last long, but I don’t know how to interact with others or even with myself anymore.
I often feel like a bad person, which is truly shameful, yet I also think that if it’s for my own benefit, why should it be shameful? Sometimes, while doing things, I lose track of what I’m doing, and even halfway through, I forget what I was working on.
Sometimes I remember, and sometimes I don’t.
Honestly, I’m not sure if I’m just fragile or if I’m sick.
Every day feels like I’m being ignored, and I know that my issues have led to my poor social skills.
I envy those who are easygoing and not impulsive.
Waking up every day is painful; I have to go to school and face people I don’t want to see, and I feel ignored.
I just want to share my anger towards them through my happiness, but it feels like no one cares.
I even feel like they are all betraying me.
I want to have good relationships with them, but at the same time, I despise them.
They seem so fake and indifferent, yet I feel they are more genuine than I am.
I really want to reconnect with them, but I realize that it’s all my problem.
I have these inexplicable bursts of anger and joy towards others.
At home, I’ve put financial pressure on my mom; she once asked if my excessive spending was a way to get back at her.
I said no, but I don’t know.
The struggle between fleeting happiness and pain is really hard for me.
I just want to find something to hold onto because I feel suffocated everywhere.
It feels like I’m living in a nightmare every day, and everyone keeps asking me questions I don’t want to answer.
I really don’t know what’s wrong with me.
When the whole world expects me to act a certain way, it feels normal and inevitable, yet I wonder why I have to do it.
Do they treat me that way? I’ve seen a doctor before, but I just ended up crying.
I didn’t answer the doctor’s questions well—not because I didn’t want to, but because I was scared.
I don’t even know what I’m afraid of.
I have so many emotions that end up stuck in my throat, and I don’t know how to express them.
I just know that I’m not okay.
Every day, I’m just suppressing my emotions.
Crying isn’t right, and being angry isn’t right either.
I’ve chosen to endure over a decade of bullying, and I’ve held it in because the problems lie within me, which is why I was bullied.
Speaking of bullying, I remember being targeted since the start of elementary school.
When I told my mom, she said it was my fault.
I didn’t know what to do, so I took my mom’s eyebrow razor and made a slightly deep cut on my finger, but I didn’t feel pain; it was somewhat relieving.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
Now, when I see anyone, I feel so wronged but can’t express it.
I just want to share my happiness, no matter how much I’m suffering.
I can’t say a word for fear of crying, of being a burden, or of being disliked again.
I’m afraid that if I show any negativity, the whole world will think I’m being dramatic.
After all, I have to show the world that I’m fine, that I have no pressure, that I’m carefree, but I’m really tired.
Every day, I hope for the moment I can leave this world.
(I guess that’s it; if I keep going, I really won’t be able to take it anymore.
I’m increasingly confused about myself.
I don’t know if I’m sick, but whenever I face people, I can’t express any negativity.
Maybe it really is my problem; after all, I need to learn to grow.) I keep checking if I’m sick and then denying it, which is quite funny since no one else does it like I do.

Hua Ba, 10~19 year old female. Ask Date: 2020/08/19

Dr. Liang Sunyuan reply Psychiatry

Hello: Your decision to write this letter indicates a desire for change within you.
The past is behind us, and every moment can be a new beginning.
I suggest that you write down your feelings honestly, just as you did in this letter.
Remind yourself to stop engaging in behaviors that may harm yourself or others (such as self-harm or excessive spending).
Accumulate small positive actions each day to bring yourself closer to the life you want to live (for example, being kind to your classmates).
If you need medical help or professional assistance but are afraid of expressing yourself clearly, I recommend writing down your questions and topics you wish to discuss.
Even if you can't articulate them verbally, showing them to your doctor will help them understand.
Change is a long process, so be patient.
I encourage you not to give up and to continue your efforts to learn.
If you stumble, take a moment to understand what caused the fall, be more cautious next time, and then get back up and keep moving forward.
Wishing you all the best.

Reply Date: 2020/08/19

More Info

It sounds like you are experiencing a complex mix of emotions and thoughts that can be overwhelming and confusing. From what you've described, it seems you are caught in a cycle of emotional highs and lows, feeling both joy and sadness simultaneously, and struggling to understand your feelings and how to express them. This can be particularly challenging, especially when you feel isolated or misunderstood by those around you.

Firstly, it’s important to recognize that what you are experiencing is not uncommon. Many people go through periods of emotional turmoil, especially during times of stress or significant life changes. The rapid shifts in your emotions—crying one moment and feeling normal the next—can be indicative of emotional dysregulation, which is often linked to underlying issues such as anxiety, depression, or unresolved trauma.

Your feelings of being a "bad person" or feeling ashamed of your emotions are also significant. It’s crucial to understand that emotions are a natural part of being human. They are not inherently good or bad; they simply are. Feeling angry, sad, or even happy in response to different situations is part of the human experience. However, when these emotions become overwhelming or lead to self-destructive thoughts or behaviors, it may be beneficial to seek professional help.

You mentioned past experiences of bullying and feeling pressured by expectations from others, including your family. These experiences can contribute to feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt, which may manifest as emotional instability. It’s essential to address these past traumas, as they can significantly impact your current emotional state and relationships with others.

Here are some strategies that may help you navigate your emotional turmoil:
1. Seek Professional Help: It sounds like you’ve considered seeing a doctor or therapist. This is a crucial step. A mental health professional can provide you with a safe space to explore your feelings and help you develop coping strategies. They can also assist in diagnosing any underlying conditions that may be contributing to your emotional struggles.

2. Journaling: Writing down your thoughts and feelings can be a therapeutic way to process your emotions. It allows you to express what you’re going through without fear of judgment. You might find patterns in your emotions or triggers that you hadn’t noticed before.

3. Mindfulness and Grounding Techniques: Practicing mindfulness can help you stay present and reduce anxiety about the future or regrets about the past. Techniques such as deep breathing, meditation, or grounding exercises can help you manage overwhelming emotions when they arise.

4. Build a Support System: While you may feel isolated, try to reach out to friends or family members who you trust. Sharing your feelings with someone who listens can provide relief and help you feel less alone. You might also consider joining support groups where you can connect with others who understand what you’re going through.

5. Self-Compassion: Be gentle with yourself. It’s okay to feel what you’re feeling. Practicing self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a friend in a similar situation.

6. Limit Exposure to Stressors: If certain environments or people exacerbate your feelings of anxiety or sadness, it may be helpful to set boundaries. Protecting your emotional well-being is essential.

7. Engage in Activities You Enjoy: Finding joy in hobbies or activities can help lift your mood. Even if you don’t feel like doing much, engaging in something you once enjoyed can provide a sense of accomplishment and happiness.

8. Physical Activity: Regular exercise can significantly impact your mood and overall mental health. It releases endorphins, which can help reduce feelings of sadness and anxiety.

Remember, it’s okay to seek help and take the time you need to understand your emotions. You are not alone in this journey, and there are resources and people who can support you. Your feelings are valid, and addressing them is a courageous step towards healing and self-discovery.

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