Navigating Life with Emotional Disorders: A Personal Journey

I'm not sure how to move forward?

Hello, I have been diagnosed with affective psychosis by a psychiatrist since I was 20 years old, and I have been receiving psychiatric treatment ever since.
My condition has worsened significantly due to various reasons.
From the age of 20 until now, I have gone through many experiences, most of which have been tragic, including the death of my mother.
During my lowest moments, I have seen the cold faces and words of others.
Reflecting on the past and my personal experiences, I have slowly regained some memories and become more aware than when I was ill, although sometimes I still feel unclear.
I don't know if this is a blessing or a curse.
Recently, a manual assessment was completed, and a psychiatrist (different from the original one) diagnosed me with affective disorder with psychotic features.
I have severely harmed others (before the age of 20) and have also been bullied by classmates.
Currently, I am taking the following medications: Fluoxetine 75 mg, Olanzapine 30 mg, and Quetiapine 150 mg.
Sometimes, due to work fatigue, I skip my evening dose of Fluoxetine, which can lead to discomfort the next day and cause me to miss work.
At other times, I feel fine, as if nothing is wrong.
However, my emotions and behaviors can sometimes become overwhelming, and I struggle to control myself.
There are also times when I engage in masturbation due to physiological needs.
When my emotions are heightened or when I haven't taken my Fluoxetine, my mental and physical state can feel good, but my behavior can be like a runaway horse! I don't understand why.
Perhaps I have a sensitive constitution.
After each episode of masturbation, while my needs are satisfied, I become more alert and my thoughts become more active, but there is still a difference.
A few days later, when I have the urge to masturbate again, I become sluggish and my thoughts and actions feel dull.
I am currently working as a cleaner and also doing lawn mowing and other tasks.
Since I changed positions, my schedule has become much more compressed! My working hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM, and my daily commute takes an hour each way, which is not included in my working hours! Since I last changed positions, I have been thinking about what I will do when I get older and can no longer work due to limited physical ability or other reasons.
How will I sustain myself? Additionally, people tend to climb higher in life.
I am currently attending classes to prepare for civil service exams within the next five years! The chances of passing are very slim, but I have the determination! Balancing work and studying is truly exhausting, and I also have household chores to manage.
I have often thought about giving up, but I have already paid my tuition and do not want to withdraw, as I still want to give it a try.
I also do not want to go back to a path without security in private enterprises.
I am grateful that my boss is willing to give me a chance and hire someone with a mental and physical disability to be self-sufficient.
I am truly thankful for the life experiences I can accumulate in a private company.
However, if I continue in this job without security as I age, I am unsure what I will do after work.
It feels like my life is drifting aimlessly! Therefore, I choose to recharge myself! Perhaps I am the kind of person who is double-minded, wanting both this and that, being greedy and never satisfied! I know I am in a fortunate situation but fail to appreciate it! I am clearly not a Gemini, so why do I feel this way? No wonder I have issues! I sincerely hope to pass the exams, which would surprise those who look down on me! Ironically, I feel guilty towards those I have wronged, and I feel uncomfortable when I think of those who have wronged me, yet I don't necessarily wish them well! I know that taking my medication regularly is important, but my life feels shattered! I want to turn my life around, but the chances seem bleak...

Guo Zhao Ru, 40~49 year old female. Ask Date: 2020/08/25

Dr. Huang Xiaoxian reply Psychiatry

Hello Mr.
Kuo, it sounds like you have many sources of stress in your life, and the impact of interpersonal relationships often affects your mood.
In addition to medication, I recommend discussing the possibility of arranging psychological therapy with your physician.
It's great that you are thinking about the future and making plans to prepare for exams.
If you believe this is a valuable endeavor, putting in your best effort for your own sake is worthwhile.
I wish you abundant results from your hard work.

Reply Date: 2020/08/25

More Info

Navigating life with emotional disorders can be an incredibly challenging journey, filled with ups and downs, moments of clarity, and periods of confusion. Your experience, as you described, reflects a complex interplay of mental health struggles, personal loss, and the quest for stability and purpose. It’s commendable that you are seeking to understand your situation better and are actively pursuing education and employment despite the hurdles you face.

From your account, it seems that you have been diagnosed with affective psychosis, which can manifest in various ways, including mood swings, emotional numbness, and difficulties in regulating behavior. The medications you are taking—such as fluoxetine (復鬱平), olanzapine (大塚安立復), and venlafaxine (威克倦)—are commonly prescribed for mood disorders and can help stabilize your emotional state. However, it’s crucial to adhere to your medication regimen consistently, as fluctuations in your medication intake can lead to unpredictable emotional responses and exacerbate your symptoms.

The feelings of agitation and impulsivity you experience, particularly in relation to sexual urges, may be linked to the underlying emotional dysregulation associated with your diagnosis. It’s important to recognize that these feelings are part of your condition and not a reflection of your character. Engaging in self-soothing activities, mindfulness practices, or even seeking therapy can provide you with healthier coping mechanisms to manage these urges and the emotional turmoil that accompanies them.

Your reflections on your job as a cleaner and your aspirations to pursue public service are significant. It’s understandable to feel overwhelmed by the demands of work, study, and personal responsibilities. Balancing these aspects can be particularly taxing when dealing with mental health issues. It’s essential to set realistic goals for yourself and to recognize that progress may be slow but is still valid. The fact that you are preparing for public service exams shows resilience and a desire for a better future, which is commendable.

Moreover, the fear of aging and losing your ability to work is a common concern, especially for those with disabilities or chronic conditions. It’s wise to think about your future and consider options that provide stability and security. Exploring vocational rehabilitation services or community resources that assist individuals with disabilities in finding sustainable employment could be beneficial. These resources can offer support in navigating the job market and may help alleviate some of your concerns about future employment.

Your acknowledgment of feeling “double-sided” and your desire for validation from others indicate a deep self-awareness. It’s essential to remember that seeking approval from others can often lead to disappointment, especially if those individuals do not understand your journey. Focusing on your own goals and self-acceptance can be more fulfilling. Surrounding yourself with supportive people who appreciate your efforts and understand your struggles can also make a significant difference in your emotional well-being.

Lastly, while it’s clear that you are grappling with feelings of despair and frustration, it’s crucial to maintain hope. Recovery from emotional disorders is often non-linear, with periods of improvement followed by setbacks. Engaging in therapy, whether it be cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) or another form, can provide you with tools to manage your thoughts and emotions more effectively. Additionally, support groups can offer a sense of community and understanding from those who have faced similar challenges.

In conclusion, navigating life with emotional disorders is undoubtedly complex, but your journey reflects strength and determination. By continuing to seek help, adhering to your treatment plan, and pursuing your goals, you can work towards a more stable and fulfilling life. Remember, it’s okay to ask for help and to lean on others when the journey feels too heavy to bear alone. Your life has value, and your experiences, while painful, can also lead to growth and understanding.

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