Emotional instability
I thought I was a very cheerful person, but during my final year before graduation, I discovered that I had cancer.
Initially, I was very scared and worried about whether I would die.
In the same month, a family member was diagnosed with terminal cancer.
This person had never smoked, yet within a few months of treatment, they passed away.
I, who was once afraid of death, found myself crying every night, trying various medications in hopes of escaping this world.
I visited the psychiatric department of a medical center twice, and the doctor diagnosed me with major depressive disorder but did not prescribe any specific medication.
Later, I returned to school, and after six months of counseling, I cried less at night.
I was deeply saddened and wanted to escape, but for the sake of an elder in my family who smoked every day and constantly argued with my relatives, I felt so miserable.
This hatred is something I truly cannot let go of.
I thought I had come to terms with it, but I found that when I felt very angry and sad, those thoughts of wanting to escape returned.
How can I help myself? I am really very sad and filled with hatred.
I feel guilty towards the doctors who have treated my illness over the years, as I empathize with my family member's passing, yet I am reluctant to take medication for my cancer.
My family only seems to care about their siblings.
If one day I truly leave this world, will they regret it?
Niming, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2020/11/15
Dr. Lin Mianzhang reply Psychiatry
Hello: It seems that you are feeling quite complex emotions.
I wonder who your deceased family member was and what their passing means to you.
What was the reason for your argument with your family? Are you considering leaving because you are exhausted? Being diagnosed with cancer at such a young age would shock anyone, leading to feelings of anger, sadness, and helplessness.
If you are also dealing with the loss of a family member, those feelings must be even more complicated and painful.
However, you have doctors who care for you and counselors who are concerned about your well-being.
By bringing up your questions here, you have given me the opportunity to care about your situation.
You are not facing these life challenges alone; if you are willing, I believe many people would be willing to spend their time to support and help you.
As for your family, it would be best if they could understand your feelings, but if they cannot, at least do not forget those who care about you.
For your own sake and for those who care about you, please take good care of yourself.
Wishing you a speedy recovery!
Reply Date: 2020/11/15
More Info
Coping with emotional turmoil, especially in the context of depression and loss, can be an incredibly challenging journey. Your situation, marked by the dual burden of your own cancer diagnosis and the terminal illness of a family member, understandably leads to feelings of despair, anger, and confusion. It’s important to recognize that these feelings are valid and that you are not alone in this struggle.
Firstly, it’s crucial to understand that what you are experiencing may be a complex interplay of grief, depression, and anxiety. The loss of a loved one, or the impending loss, can trigger profound emotional responses. Grief is not a linear process; it can manifest in various forms, including anger, sadness, guilt, and even relief. It’s common to feel anger towards the situation, the illness, or even towards those who seem to be coping better. This anger can be directed inward, leading to feelings of guilt or shame, especially if you feel you are not honoring your loved ones’ struggles in the way you think you should.
Your experience of crying frequently and having thoughts about wanting to escape this world indicates that you may be grappling with severe depression. The fact that a mental health professional has diagnosed you with major depressive disorder is significant. It’s essential to take this diagnosis seriously. While it’s understandable that you might feel hesitant about medication, it’s important to consider that antidepressants can help stabilize your mood and provide you with the emotional bandwidth to process your grief and anger more effectively.
In addition to medication, therapy can be a powerful tool. You mentioned attending counseling sessions, which is a positive step. Therapy provides a safe space to explore your feelings of anger, sadness, and guilt without judgment. A skilled therapist can help you navigate these complex emotions and develop coping strategies. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), for example, can be particularly effective in addressing negative thought patterns and helping you reframe your experiences.
Engaging in self-care practices is also vital during this tumultuous time. This can include physical activities, such as walking or yoga, which can help release endorphins and improve your mood. Mindfulness and meditation practices can also be beneficial, as they encourage you to stay present and reduce anxiety about the future. Journaling your thoughts and feelings can serve as an emotional outlet, allowing you to articulate your grief and anger in a constructive way.
It’s also important to lean on your support system. Sharing your feelings with trusted friends or family members can alleviate some of the burdens you carry. They may not fully understand your experience, but having someone listen can provide comfort. If you feel comfortable, consider joining a support group for individuals dealing with cancer or loss. Connecting with others who share similar experiences can foster a sense of community and understanding.
Lastly, it’s crucial to address the feelings of guilt you have regarding your treatment and your family’s reactions. Remember that your health and well-being are paramount. It’s okay to prioritize your needs, even amidst the chaos of caring for a loved one. Reflect on the idea that your loved ones would want you to take care of yourself, just as you wish to support them.
In summary, navigating through depression and loss is a multifaceted process that requires patience and compassion towards yourself. Consider seeking medication, engaging in therapy, practicing self-care, and utilizing your support network. Allow yourself to feel and process your emotions without judgment. Healing takes time, but with the right support and strategies, it is possible to find a path forward.
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