Am I really gay?
Hello, doctor.
I am a 13-year-old middle school student.
Recently, I found my fifth-grade younger brother very cute and playfully tapped him on the butt, which made me feel like I might be gay.
This has made me very anxious because I strongly dislike homosexuality and fear the judgment of others.
However, I feel that I am not gay, but the more I try to convince myself, the more I doubt my feelings.
I am really scared and almost in tears.
Out of anxiety, I have researched nearly 40 websites about homosexuality because I truly do not want to be gay.
Can you please tell me how to eliminate this self-doubt that I know is unfounded? Also, could you guide me on how to understand my current sexual orientation?
Ben, 10~19 year old female. Ask Date: 2022/06/10
Dr. Liang Sunyuan reply Psychiatry
Hello Ben, it's quite normal to find children adorable, and there's no need to overly worry just because of that.
At the age of 13, they are still in a developmental stage, so it's advisable to focus on learning and daily life.
Occasionally, it's inevitable to have some excessive worrying thoughts; however, it's recommended not to over-research these concerns.
Typically, after some time, these worries will naturally dissipate.
Reply Date: 2022/06/10
More Info
It's completely normal to experience confusion and anxiety about your sexual orientation, especially during your teenage years. Adolescence is a time of significant change, both physically and emotionally, and it's common for young people to explore their feelings and attractions. Your feelings towards your younger brother, while they may have caused you distress, do not necessarily define your sexual orientation.
Sexual orientation is a complex and personal aspect of who we are, and it can be fluid. Many people find themselves attracted to different genders at various points in their lives. It's important to remember that having a fleeting thought or feeling does not automatically categorize you as gay, straight, or anything else. The key is to understand your feelings over time and in different contexts.
Here are some points to consider that may help you navigate your feelings:
1. Self-Reflection: Take some time to think about your feelings. Ask yourself questions like: What do I feel when I think about boys? What do I feel when I think about girls? Do I have crushes on anyone? These reflections can help clarify your feelings.
2. Understanding Sexual Orientation: Sexual orientation is not a binary concept; it exists on a spectrum. You might find that you are attracted to different people in different ways. It's okay to be unsure or to change your mind as you grow and learn more about yourself.
3. Normalize Your Feelings: It's crucial to understand that many people go through similar feelings of confusion. You are not alone in this experience. Talking to friends or trusted adults about your feelings can provide support and perspective.
4. Avoid Labels for Now: At 13, you are still very young, and it’s perfectly fine to not label yourself just yet. Labels can sometimes feel restrictive, and it's okay to simply be you without needing to fit into a specific category.
5. Seek Support: If your feelings are overwhelming, consider talking to a trusted adult, such as a parent, teacher, or school counselor. They can provide guidance and reassurance. Additionally, there are many resources available online and in your community that can help you understand sexual orientation better.
6. Educate Yourself: While it's good to seek information, be mindful of the sources you are consulting. Look for reputable websites or books that discuss sexual orientation in a positive and informative way. This can help you gain a better understanding of the topic without reinforcing negative stereotypes.
7. Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. It's okay to feel confused or scared. Allow yourself to experience these emotions without judgment. Remember that your worth is not defined by your sexual orientation.
8. Give It Time: Understanding your sexual orientation is a journey that can take time. As you grow older and have more experiences, your feelings may become clearer. Be patient with yourself during this process.
In conclusion, it's essential to approach this journey of self-discovery with an open mind and heart. Allow yourself the space to explore your feelings without the pressure of needing to label yourself immediately. Remember, it's okay to be unsure, and seeking support can be incredibly beneficial. You are not alone in this, and there are many resources and people who can help you along the way.
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