Struggling with Sexual Identity: A Journey of Acceptance and Pressure

Psychosomatic issues

Hello, doctor.
I am a 31-year-old man who has known about my homosexual tendencies since middle school.
After enduring mental and emotional struggles throughout high school and college, I have fully accepted that I am gay (I am not seeking a diagnosis from you, as I have already confirmed my sexual orientation).
Although I am clear about my true sexual orientation, I have never truly developed a romantic relationship or engaged in sexual activity with another man.
This is not due to rejection or a desire to hide my true self, but rather because I have assessed my family situation and know that coming out would lead to a lack of understanding from my parents and siblings, as well as immense pressure from family, friends, and society.
The thought of disappointing my parents and relatives has solidified my decision to conceal my sexual orientation for life.
I believe that one person's pain is better than causing pain to the entire family.
Over the years, because I cannot be my true self and do not want to hurt others (whether they are of the same or opposite sex), I have forced myself not to date.
I have also had to work hard to hide my true sexual orientation.
During my studies, I tried to date girls, but my own guilt and inability to fully invest in those relationships led to several unsuccessful attempts.
However, those brief relationships served as a smokescreen.
After completing my military service and entering the workforce, I faced constant reminders from my parents, friends, bosses, and colleagues about the importance of marriage, and they frequently arranged blind dates for me.
Since I have decided to hide my sexual orientation for life and do not want to hurt anyone, I initially planned not to get married.
The first few years were manageable, as the standard response after blind dates was that I felt no connection.
However, in recent years, I have gone on many blind dates, and that excuse is no longer viable.
I have tried to convince my family to accept my decision not to marry, but it has been completely rejected.
Consequently, I have started to make an effort to date women.
However, while I pretend to be interested, my heart cannot be deceived.
I repeatedly tell myself to like women, but I always end up fleeing in failure.
This cycle has been repeating itself for years.
I have no friends to confide in about my true secret (not a single close friend knows my sexual orientation).
The burden of this secret, compounded by increasing pressure over the years, has become suffocating.
I used to be cheerful, optimistic, and easygoing, but now my distress severely affects my previously positive attitude towards life and work.
I could once handle the issue of my sexual orientation calmly, but the pressure to marry has left me feeling lost.
I now find myself worrying about these matters daily, unable to focus on other important tasks or goals.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, unable to sleep, and other times I experience anxiety and palpitations.
This situation has persisted for nearly two years.
I do not want to break down in front of my family and friends, so I continue to present myself as cheerful and optimistic.
However, I am increasingly unable to cope with the pressure, and I truly wonder how much longer I can endure this.
What worries me most is that this persistent unhappiness is severely affecting my mental and physical health and my quality of life.
I really do not know what to do.
Recently, I read a report stating that Swedish medical researchers have developed a new drug that can make most homosexual men heterosexual within six months.
Dr.
Karl, the head of the study, mentioned that this drug, called X-46, has been tested on 2,210 homosexuals in Europe who wished to change their sexual orientation over the past four years, and 2,086 of them, about 94%, successfully became heterosexual within six months.
I would like to ask you, doctor, does such a drug really exist? If so, where can I receive treatment in my country? If not, are there any other counseling units or methods available for homosexuals who wish to become heterosexual? Additionally, if I want to get married but I am a homosexual, what should I do? Thank you for taking the time to read my lengthy message, and I appreciate your response.
Goodbye.

De Lin, 30~39 year old female. Ask Date: 2001/07/05

Dr. Tang Xinbei reply Psychiatry

Dear Derlin,
I apologize for the delay in my response! I was out of the country for a conference for half a month, and upon returning, I was busy with other work, which is why I am only able to reply today.
I can sense from your letter that you are feeling quite lonely, isolated, fearful, frustrated, helpless, and nearly hopeless.
You seem to be expending a lot of energy to hide and mask these feelings from your family and friends, and you may not want to deceive yourself any longer.
It appears that your life, social interactions, and emotional well-being have been significantly affected.
For this reason, I would recommend that you seek help from a psychiatrist to receive professional assistance.
Regarding specialized services for the LGBTQ+ community, I suggest you check out Dr.
Chou Li-Chih's personal website.
Dr.
Chou is a psychiatrist who has helped many friends in the LGBTQ+ community address their concerns.
As for the "X-46" you mentioned in your letter, I have limited knowledge in this area and have been unable to find relevant information despite searching for several days, so I am sorry that I cannot provide an answer.
Wishing you peace and joy!

Reply Date: 2001/07/05

More Info

Your situation is both complex and deeply personal, and it's commendable that you are seeking to understand and navigate your feelings regarding your sexual identity. It’s clear that you have been grappling with your sexual orientation for many years, and the pressure from family and society to conform to traditional expectations of marriage and relationships has compounded your struggles.
Firstly, it’s important to acknowledge that your feelings of confusion and distress are valid. Many individuals in the LGBTQ+ community experience similar challenges, particularly when they feel compelled to hide their true selves due to societal or familial pressures. The internal conflict you describe—wanting to live authentically while fearing the repercussions of coming out—can lead to significant emotional turmoil, anxiety, and even depression.
The notion of a "cure" for homosexuality, such as the drug you mentioned, is rooted in outdated and discredited beliefs. The medical and psychological communities, including organizations like the American Psychological Association, have long established that sexual orientation is not a disorder and cannot be changed through medication or therapy. Efforts to change an individual's sexual orientation, often referred to as "conversion therapy," have been widely condemned due to their ineffectiveness and the psychological harm they can cause.
Instead of seeking to change your sexual orientation, it may be more beneficial to focus on finding ways to accept and embrace who you are. This could involve seeking support from LGBTQ+ organizations or counseling services that specialize in sexual identity issues. Connecting with others who have similar experiences can provide a sense of community and understanding, which may alleviate some of the isolation you feel.
In terms of your family dynamics, it’s understandable to worry about their reactions. However, it’s essential to consider your own mental health and well-being. Living a life that feels inauthentic can lead to chronic stress and anxiety, as you’ve experienced. If and when you feel ready, you might explore ways to have open conversations with your family about your identity. This can be a gradual process, and you don’t have to do it all at once.
As for the pressure to marry, it’s crucial to remember that you have the right to make choices that align with your true self. If marriage is not something you desire, or if it feels incompatible with your identity, it’s okay to assert that. You deserve to live a life that feels fulfilling and true to who you are, rather than one dictated by external expectations.

In the meantime, consider seeking professional help to address the anxiety and distress you’re experiencing. A therapist who understands LGBTQ+ issues can help you navigate your feelings and develop coping strategies. They can also assist you in exploring your thoughts about relationships and marriage in a way that honors your identity.

Ultimately, the journey to acceptance can be challenging, but it is also profoundly rewarding. Embracing your true self can lead to a more authentic and fulfilling life. Remember, you are not alone in this journey, and there are resources and communities available to support you.

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