Seeking Help: Navigating Mental Health Challenges in Taiwan - Psychiatry

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I am a gay person from a violent family background.
I was very normal in elementary school, but in sixth grade, I experienced physical abuse from my father.
In middle school, I was filled with resentment and had thoughts of death and killing.
During high school, violent tendencies emerged, and I needed to kick and hit things to release my emotions, often damaging bathroom doors.
In my second year of high school, I met my first girlfriend and learned to relieve stress by cutting my arms, as my violent behavior scared her.
A month after graduating high school, I broke up with my girlfriend and spent an entire week without eating or drinking, only consuming alcohol.
I recklessly rode my motorcycle, resulting in multiple accidents.
Doctors at Keelung Municipal Hospital diagnosed me with severe bipolar disorder with depression.
I struggled to take medication and relied on self-discipline to recover.
A year later, all my resentment disappeared, leaving only sadness.
Two years after high school, I met my second girlfriend while studying in central Taiwan, and my personality changed significantly over the year.

At one point, I felt a dark space about three meters wide behind me, where two versions of myself existed—one crying and one laughing.
I often experienced seven different versions of myself at various times, each dressed differently and of different heights.
I discussed this with a psychiatrist at Taichung Hospital, as I could distinguish between the voices of these versions and the real world, although I could not see them—only feel their presence.
Therefore, I was diagnosed as not having schizophrenia and chose not to take medication, seeking help from a psychologist instead.
Are there psychologists in Taiwan? Does health insurance cover it? I gave up.

Once again, I forced my thoughts through self-discipline, and after three days, all the versions of myself left.
In a dream, I reported that I had built a village elsewhere, populated entirely by versions of myself, varying in age and number, working together in peace and happiness.
Seven days later, I received news in the dream that the village had been destroyed, and all its inhabitants had perished, leaving me unsure of who delivered the message, which I thought was a form of relief.
Within half a month, the laughing and crying versions returned, standing closely behind me and causing a disturbance.
Sometimes, due to my mood or arguments with my girlfriend, the volume of the laughing and crying voices would increase, each vying for dominance.
One day, the laughing version began to beat the crying version, and during that time, I was feeling low, unable to suppress simultaneous laughter and tears.
The beating lasted about two days, after which the laughing version fell silent, and the crying version died.
The laughing version then started digging a grave, and for three days, the sound of the shovel digging was incessant, which was quite frightening, as I feared the crying version's body would change.

After some days, my relationship with my girlfriend improved significantly, and the laughing version dug up the crying version's body to perform CPR.
The two versions returned to stand behind me.
Today, more than six months later, their presence is not as clear as it once was.
Two days ago, I violently assaulted my girlfriend over a trivial matter, marking the fifth instance of violence in our two-year relationship, leading to our breakup.
My violent tendencies are what I truly want to change, but I am unsure whether to seek help from a psychiatrist or a psychologist.
I feel very insecure yet also arrogant, believing I am exceptionally talented and charming, yet feeling worthless.
I oscillate between the emotions of being grateful for life and wanting to die to apologize.
I love the world yet hate it, fear loneliness, and despise crowds, sometimes having urges to harm everyone on the street.
Additionally, I have a fear of the dark and avoid enclosed spaces like elevators.
I want to win her back; I need her, yet I feel unworthy and think I should die to apologize.
Friends say I am just overthinking, with opinions divided between those who support seeking medical help and those who do not.
It’s frustrating to be trapped in these dreams and illusions.
I wonder if there are doctors in Taichung who can help.
I don’t know how I am still alive; I thought I would die, yet here I am, an unfortunate reality.

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Xiao Bai, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2003/12/21