How to Support a Partner Struggling with Depression and Suicidal Thoughts?

Q: How to Support a Partner Struggling with Depression and Suicidal Thoughts?

Hello Pi Pi： Based on the description in your letter, the issue seems to lie with him, not you. <br>For a long time, he appears to have learned to use self-harm and even threats of suicide as a means to gain your attention and fulfill his demands. <br>However, if this situation i

What should I do?

Hello, doctor.
I am a high school freshman.
In middle school, I was in the same class as my boyfriend.
He would get jealous when he saw me talking to other boys and having fun with them.
Over time, he became unhappy and seemed to develop symptoms of depression.
Whenever I talked to boys, he would not want me to interact with them and was often afraid of it.
We frequently argued over various issues, and he has expressed suicidal thoughts and self-harm.
I have told him that I love him and would not seek out other boys, but he still feels insecure.
At night, he sometimes wakes up suddenly and cries.
He often feels overwhelmed by little things.
Now that we are in different high schools, he is even more worried that I will meet and like other boys.

I have accompanied him to see a psychiatrist, who diagnosed him with depression and prescribed medication.
However, he insists that his depression is not serious and refuses to take the medication.
I am very concerned about him because during our arguments, he often threatens to commit suicide or expresses his flaws, especially when we discuss breaking up.
I have told him that he should not frequently mention suicide, as it adds a lot of pressure on me.
He often overthinks and feels upset when I cannot be with him or when I go out with friends, thinking that I do not love him enough.

I believe his depression may stem from middle school when he saw me talking to other boys, especially since we were not very close at that time.
He questions why I can talk to other boys but not to him.
I have explained that even if I talk to boys, they are just friends, but he still feels that I should not have male friends because he fears I will develop feelings for someone else.
I truly do not know what to do.
I love him, but his constant suicidal remarks put a lot of pressure on me.
What can I do to help him? Please let me know, and I would be very grateful.
Thank you.

Pipi, 10~19 year old female. Ask Date: 2004/02/15

Dr. Chen Wenyu reply Psychiatry

Hello Pi Pi: Based on the description in your letter, the issue seems to lie with him, not you.
For a long time, he appears to have learned to use self-harm and even threats of suicide as a means to gain your attention and fulfill his demands.
However, if this situation is not actively addressed and allowed to continue, it is easy to imagine that serious consequences will arise, and both of you will be harmed.
Self-harm and suicide threats are manifestations of internalized aggression in psychological defense mechanisms, which, in reality, are directed outwardly towards others, and should not be taken lightly.
Your boyfriend has clearly distorted the emotional relationship between men and women, and this needs to be corrected immediately, especially while his personality is still forming.
Otherwise, continuing the relationship will only lead to further harm for both of you.
On his part, encourage him to expand his normal interpersonal relationships and seek psychological counseling and assistance.
As for you, it is not advisable to comply with his demands due to his threats of self-harm or suicide; instead, you should maintain distance during such incidents to avoid reinforcing his inappropriate behavior.
If his issues persist, it may be better for both of you to gradually distance yourselves.
If this helps him learn to control his emotions and behaviors, it would be a positive outcome.
Thank you for your letter!

Reply Date: 2004/02/15

More Info

Supporting a partner who is struggling with depression and expressing suicidal thoughts can be incredibly challenging and emotionally taxing. It’s commendable that you care deeply for your boyfriend and want to help him through this difficult time. Here are some strategies and insights that may assist you in providing the support he needs while also taking care of your own mental health.

Understanding Depression and Its Impact
First, it’s essential to understand that depression is a complex mental health condition that can significantly affect a person's thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. It often leads to feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, and intense sadness. When someone is experiencing depression, they may also have difficulty seeing the positive aspects of their life or relationships. This can lead to irrational fears, such as your boyfriend's fear of you being unfaithful or abandoning him.

Encourage Professional Help
While you mentioned that he has seen a psychiatrist and received medication, it’s concerning that he is not taking his prescribed medication. Encourage him to adhere to his treatment plan, as medication can be a crucial part of managing depression. You might say something like, “I know you feel like the medication isn’t helping, but it’s important to give it a fair chance. Can we talk to your doctor together about how you’re feeling?” This approach shows your support while emphasizing the importance of professional guidance.

Open Communication
Maintaining open lines of communication is vital. Let him know that you are there for him and that he can talk to you about his feelings without judgment. When he expresses suicidal thoughts, take them seriously. You can respond with empathy, saying something like, “I’m really sorry to hear that you’re feeling this way. It’s important to talk about these feelings. Can we reach out to someone who can help?” This not only validates his feelings but also encourages him to seek help.

Set Boundaries
While it’s important to support your boyfriend, it’s equally crucial to set boundaries for your own mental health. Constantly worrying about his well-being can lead to emotional exhaustion. Make it clear that while you love him and want to help, you also need to take care of yourself. You might say, “I care about you deeply, but I also need to take care of my own mental health. It’s okay for us to have time apart, and I want you to know that I’m still here for you.”

Encourage Healthy Coping Mechanisms
Encourage him to engage in activities that promote mental well-being, such as exercise, journaling, or spending time in nature. These activities can help improve mood and provide a sense of accomplishment. You can suggest doing these activities together, which can strengthen your bond and provide him with a distraction from negative thoughts.

Be Patient and Understanding
Recovery from depression is often not linear; there will be good days and bad days. Be patient with him and understand that his feelings of jealousy and insecurity are rooted in his mental health struggles. Reassure him of your love and commitment, but also remind him that he needs to work on his mental health for both of you to have a healthy relationship.

Know When to Seek Immediate Help
If your boyfriend expresses a clear intent to harm himself or you feel that he is in immediate danger, it’s crucial to seek help right away. This could mean calling a crisis hotline, contacting a mental health professional, or even going to the emergency room. It’s better to be safe and ensure he gets the help he needs.

Conclusion
Supporting a partner with depression and suicidal thoughts is a delicate balance of empathy, encouragement, and self-care. By promoting professional help, maintaining open communication, setting boundaries, and encouraging healthy coping mechanisms, you can provide the support he needs while also taking care of your own mental health. Remember, you are not alone in this, and seeking support for yourself is equally important. Don’t hesitate to reach out to trusted friends, family, or mental health professionals for guidance and support.

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