Struggling with Dark Thoughts: Seeking Help for Violent Impulses

I have wanted to kill someone since I was young, and I have been involuntarily hospitalized several times?

I'm 13 years old and have been hospitalized several times.
After that, due to my responsibility for paying for my tuition and living expenses without support from my family, I chose not to see a psychologist anymore.
Recently, I have been having intense thoughts about killing someone and removing their organs, even though nothing has happened in my life to trigger this.
As a chef, I often handle animal carcasses and sometimes can't help but crush the organs that need to be discarded with my bare hands, and occasionally eat them raw.
I know that I haven't been quite normal, so I keep myself busy with five jobs to avoid engaging in any abnormal experiments.
My family has also bought a lot of experimental equipment, and I've managed to control myself for several years.
However, recently, I don't know why I can't suppress this urge anymore, so I went to see a doctor and asked for emergency medication.
I would like to know if there are other solutions.
I've thought about the worst-case scenario, which is to commit suicide before going insane.

Mori, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2024/03/08

Dr. Li Guanying reply Psychiatry

From your letter, it is clear that you are experiencing discomfort and distress due to issues with impulse control and stress.

1.
Facing an uncertain future, psychosomatic disorders are common in modern society.
This is a chronic condition that requires long-term treatment for recovery.

2.
Psychosomatic disorders are chronic illnesses that have periods of exacerbation, remission, recovery, and relapse.
More than half of patients may experience a recurrence of symptoms even after they have improved.
Due to individual differences in constitution, it is necessary to confirm whether your situation requires medical attention.

3.
In terms of pharmacological treatment, each primary medication requires 4 to 6 weeks to assess its efficacy.
It is advisable to keep track of the duration and frequency of any discomfort you experience.

4.
In addition to medication and psychotherapy, repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation (rTMS) is a non-invasive, anesthesia-free, highly safe treatment option that does not require hospitalization.
It can help alleviate suicidal and self-harming impulses and thoughts.
If you are experiencing self-harming thoughts, please consider seeking medical attention, as these issues cannot be resolved through online consultations.
Our clinic has outpatient services available from Monday to Friday, both in the morning and afternoon.
We recommend that you consider visiting the clinic for a personal evaluation of your symptoms, so we can collaboratively discuss the best decisions for you.

Wishing you mental and physical well-being.

Reply Date: 2024/03/08

More Info

It sounds like you are going through an incredibly difficult time, and I want to acknowledge the pain and turmoil you are experiencing. The thoughts and impulses you describe are serious and warrant immediate attention. It’s crucial to understand that you are not alone in this struggle, and there is help available.

Firstly, it’s important to recognize that having violent thoughts, especially those that involve harming others or yourself, can be indicative of underlying mental health issues. These thoughts can stem from various factors, including past trauma, stress, or even biological predispositions. The fact that you have previously sought help and have a history of hospitalization suggests that you have been aware of your mental health needs, which is a positive step. However, the decision to stop seeking help due to financial constraints or lack of family support is understandable but concerning.

Your profession as a chef, where you handle animal carcasses, may also play a role in your current state of mind. The exposure to raw meat and the act of processing it can sometimes desensitize individuals to violence, which might contribute to the intrusive thoughts you are experiencing. It’s essential to differentiate between your professional responsibilities and the thoughts that are troubling you. Engaging in multiple jobs to distract yourself is a coping mechanism, but it may not be addressing the root of the problem.

Given the intensity of your thoughts and the mention of self-harm, I strongly encourage you to seek professional help again. It’s vital to find a mental health professional who can provide a safe space for you to express your feelings without judgment. If financial constraints are an issue, consider looking for community mental health services, sliding scale therapists, or support groups that can offer assistance at a lower cost. Many communities have resources available for individuals in crisis, and you deserve access to these services.

In addition to professional help, there are several strategies you can employ to manage your thoughts and impulses:
1. Mindfulness and Grounding Techniques: Practicing mindfulness can help you stay present and reduce the intensity of your thoughts. Techniques such as deep breathing, meditation, or grounding exercises can help you regain control when you feel overwhelmed.

2. Journaling: Writing down your thoughts and feelings can be a therapeutic way to express what you’re going through. It can also help you identify triggers for your violent thoughts and develop strategies to cope with them.

3. Physical Activity: Engaging in regular physical exercise can significantly improve your mood and reduce anxiety. It can also serve as a healthy outlet for pent-up energy and frustration.

4. Creative Outlets: If you enjoy cooking, consider channeling your energy into creative culinary projects that do not involve violence. Experimenting with new recipes or cooking for others can provide a positive focus.

5. Support Networks: Reach out to friends, support groups, or online communities where you can share your experiences and feelings. Connecting with others who understand what you’re going through can be incredibly validating and comforting.

6. Emergency Plans: Since you mentioned having thoughts of self-harm, it’s crucial to have a safety plan in place. This could include a list of people to call when you’re feeling overwhelmed, crisis hotline numbers, or strategies to distract yourself during a crisis.

Lastly, please remember that thoughts of self-harm or suicide are serious and should not be taken lightly. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger of harming yourself or others, please seek emergency help right away. You deserve support and care, and there are people who want to help you through this difficult time. Your life is valuable, and there is hope for a brighter future.

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