My Brother's Struggles: Mental Health and Family Dynamics

Q: My Brother's Struggles: Mental Health and Family Dynamics

Hello, those who seek equality： I forgot where I saw a water buffalo in a zoo, identical to the ones in Taiwan, yet their fates are so different. <br>The water buffalo I remember is one that works tirelessly, enduring hardships and bearing burdens, but the one in the zoo doesn’t

My brother is like a useless person!

My brother dropped out of his specialized studies to join the military.
During that time, our family kept urging him to continue his education after his service, and he agreed.
However, it has been six years since he was discharged, and not only has he not completed his studies, but he also lacks any work experience! For the first couple of years after his discharge, our parents would scold him a bit, but it always ended in arguments.
He has spent six years at home without helping with household chores; sometimes he even leaves his dishes on the table for others to clean up.
As for sweeping the floor or washing dishes, he doesn't do those either! Our parents are nearly 60 years old and still work hard to support him.
I have never understood his mindset.
Our family’s financial situation is not great, and we cannot support him for a lifetime, but no one dares to communicate with him because the result is always a harsh scolding (I have even been hit by him with objects before).
His activities are mostly confined to his room, and he rarely talks to family members! I remember he was in the top class in middle school and had a good social life after entering vocational school.
However, the reason he didn’t graduate seems to be due to frequently skipping classes and failing.
In short, no one dares to question him, and I think this is the result of being spoiled by our parents! In recent years, I have noticed that my emotions have been very unstable (I often lose my temper and lock myself in my room when I'm feeling down).
Just thinking about him lounging at home and not doing any chores makes me very angry.
My parents have always favored boys over girls, which makes me feel very unbalanced! In the past few months, I have often hidden in my room crying, feeling resentful about growing up in such an unequal environment! I understand that my parents feel heartbroken seeing him capable yet unwilling to step out, but sometimes I just can't control my emotions.
I would like to ask the doctor how I can adjust my mindset.
Also, I want to know if my brother has any psychological issues.
I apologize for taking up your time; I would appreciate your insights! Thank you!

Yaoqiu Pingdeng de Ren, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2004/06/13

Dr. Ye Baozhuan reply Psychiatry

Hello, those who seek equality: I forgot where I saw a water buffalo in a zoo, identical to the ones in Taiwan, yet their fates are so different.
The water buffalo I remember is one that works tirelessly, enduring hardships and bearing burdens, but the one in the zoo doesn’t have to work at all! How unfair! But then again, who says water buffalo must work? Can you still see water buffalo in Taiwan working hard? Almost not at all, because there’s no work left for them; their tasks have been taken over by machines.
Taiwan no longer needs water buffalo, and they have been eliminated from the labor market.
This is also the fate that awaits your brother, who will be phased out of the job market; in fact, he has already self-eliminated.
He is now confined at home, much like that water buffalo in the zoo.
If the water buffalo doesn’t work, what is its value in life? Perhaps soon, both humans and water buffalo will have to adapt to a new value system where water buffalo are only for ornamental purposes.
However, before that, I believe your brother must have felt anxious about whether he should work, what jobs are available, and if he is capable of doing them—this is the kind of contemplation a water buffalo might have.
As for why he later chose to give up being a water buffalo and stay at home in the air conditioning instead of facing the sun and wind, there must be some philosophy behind it (not necessarily a psychological barrier).
He might say, “You don’t need me! You look down on me! You call me useless! You want me to be humble, but I won’t!” So, like me, you don’t need to feel sad or angry about the water buffalo not having work or not working.
Although the absence of water buffalo at dusk may lack some charm, we shouldn’t force them to work and provoke their temper.
Note: Your current mindset, style, sense of responsibility, and maturity are all a level above your brother's.
Why demand equality? Do you want to be like him?

Reply Date: 2004/06/13

More Info

It sounds like you are dealing with a complex and emotionally charged situation regarding your brother's mental health and the dynamics within your family. From your description, it appears that your brother may be experiencing a combination of factors that could contribute to his current state, including potential mental health issues, familial expectations, and personal motivation challenges.

Firstly, your brother's prolonged period of inactivity after military service raises concerns about possible underlying mental health conditions. Conditions such as depression, anxiety, or even social withdrawal can manifest in individuals who feel overwhelmed by expectations or who struggle to find their place in the world after significant life transitions, such as leaving the military. The fact that he has not pursued further education or work experience could indicate a lack of motivation or feelings of inadequacy, which are common symptoms of depression. Additionally, his refusal to engage in household responsibilities and his tendency to isolate himself in his room suggest a withdrawal from family interactions, which can further exacerbate feelings of loneliness and despair.

It's also important to consider the family dynamics at play. You mentioned that your parents have been financially supporting him for six years, which can create a sense of entitlement or dependency in him. This dynamic can lead to resentment among family members, particularly when you feel that your brother is not contributing to the household or acknowledging the sacrifices your parents are making. The tension in your family, characterized by arguments and a lack of open communication, can create an environment where mental health issues thrive. Your brother may feel trapped in a cycle of negativity, leading to further withdrawal and resistance to change.

Your feelings of frustration and emotional instability are understandable given the circumstances. It’s important to recognize that your emotional responses are valid and that you are not alone in feeling overwhelmed by the situation. The stress of living in an unequal environment, where you perceive favoritism towards your brother, can lead to feelings of resentment and helplessness. It’s crucial to find healthy outlets for these emotions, whether through talking to a trusted friend, seeking professional counseling, or engaging in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment.

To address your brother's situation, it may be beneficial to encourage open communication within the family. This could involve setting aside time for a family meeting where everyone can express their feelings in a safe and respectful environment. It’s essential to approach the conversation with empathy and understanding, rather than blame or criticism. You might suggest that your brother seek professional help, such as therapy, to explore his feelings and motivations. A mental health professional can provide him with the tools to understand his situation better and help him develop a plan for moving forward.

In terms of your own mental health, consider seeking support for yourself as well. Therapy can be a valuable resource for processing your emotions and developing coping strategies. It’s important to prioritize your well-being, especially when you are feeling overwhelmed by family dynamics.

In summary, your brother may be struggling with mental health issues that require professional intervention, and the family dynamics are contributing to the overall tension. Open communication, empathy, and professional support can help address these challenges. Remember to take care of yourself and seek support as you navigate this difficult situation.

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