Overcoming Perfectionism: A Journey Through Mental Health Struggles

Perfectionism

Hello, doctor.
My subconscious "perfectionism" is suffocating me, and this perfectionism is entirely my own issue, not pressure from my parents.
Since childhood, I have been accustomed to thinking deeply about everything in life, even the smallest details that I might casually observe; I always ponder why things are that way and what insights I can gain from them.
As the youngest child, with a brother six years older than me who faced many challenges during his adolescence, I believe this has contributed to my growth.
I consider myself more mature than my peers.
Since elementary school, I believe many can relate to this experience: the questions were quite simple, and everyone performed well, including myself, often achieving full marks and ranking first alongside many others.
However, when I accidentally misspelled a character in Chinese and lost a point, I felt a sense of loss even in elementary school when I was not listed among the top scorers.
Throughout elementary school, especially in the upper grades, perhaps I had some talent, combined with the aforementioned sense of loss (which might not matter to others but served as a significant motivator for me), my grades remained at the top.
Additionally, I was part of the basketball and track teams and frequently won awards in art competitions, which garnered me much applause and admiration from my peers.
Upon entering junior high, I began to experience perfectionism, which I feel has become subconscious.
In any activity I engaged in (referring to academics, basketball, and other activities I was keen on participating in; I did not care about things like public speaking), I unconsciously aimed to be first.
This feeling was intense; whenever there was a competitive environment and I was not at the forefront, I was overwhelmed by a sense of frustration.
My grades in junior high were still excellent, consistently within the top three in the school, and I remained the focus of various activities.
In terms of personality, I genuinely believe I am very cheerful and good at uplifting group dynamics, telling jokes, and maintaining good interpersonal relationships.
However, my lifelong perfectionism and tendency to overthink have led me to feel like I have two sides: one is the bright, sunny boy, and the other is the melancholic perfectionist—this is very painful for me.
On the surface, my growth seems smooth: good grades, good relationships, athletic skills, and admiration from many girls, but I have struggled throughout.
Since childhood, I have been able to grasp the principles taught by my teachers immediately, and this continued into junior high.
However, I still studied tirelessly because I did not want to lose.
In high school, I applied for the gifted program but did not get in.
I understood that the questions for the gifted program were quite challenging, and there are many tutoring centers that train students from a young age to prepare for these exams.
I had never attended such courses; I relied on the confidence built from the applause of others and my self-affirmation to take the exam.
I felt I had done my best and encountered many questions I had never seen before, but I still did not get in, which made me very sad.
My brother, who is an officer, has grown through his own challenges and has taught me about right and wrong, which has greatly influenced me.
I admire and respect him.
He once told me, "A man's shoulders are very strong." Consequently, I unconsciously suppress my emotions; I hold back my sadness after losing and bury it deep inside.
However, I have recently noticed that I become easily upset; even slightly touching scenes on television make me want to cry.
I wonder why I have had such a difficult journey and truly want to cry.
Many classmates share their concerns with me because they find my thoughts helpful, but I cannot resolve my own issues.
I once discussed my problems with a teacher I was close to, but it was not very beneficial.
What should I do? I want to become a doctor and help everyone, but my thoughts are tangled, and my writing may not make sense.
I hope you can forgive me, doctor.

Eric, 10~19 year old female. Ask Date: 2005/08/26

Dr. Chen Wenyu reply Psychiatry

Hello Eric,
At first glance, none of the descriptions seem to fit someone who is only 13 years old.
Perhaps, as you mentioned, you are indeed more mature than your peers.
While there are benefits to being mature, there are also pressures that come with it, right? Maybe subconsciously, you would prefer to be an ordinary child, but under the pressure of competition, you feel compelled to push yourself forward and strive for the best.

Since you are someone that your classmates consult, think about how you would resolve their inner conflicts if a classmate came to you with similar concerns.
As for your situation, I can only suggest that you "slow down" and take the time to appreciate the beautiful and joyful things around you.
If you focus solely on competition, you may miss out on many wonderful childhood memories.
Don’t you think?
Thank you for your letter!

Reply Date: 2005/08/26

More Info

Overcoming perfectionism is a complex journey that many individuals face, especially those who have internalized high expectations from a young age. Your experience reflects a common struggle among perfectionists, where the desire to excel can lead to significant emotional distress and a sense of inadequacy, even in the face of apparent success.

From your description, it seems that your perfectionism is deeply rooted in your personality and experiences. You mentioned feeling a sense of loss when you didn't achieve a perfect score in elementary school, which indicates that your self-worth may be closely tied to your achievements. This is a hallmark of perfectionism, where individuals often equate their value with their performance. The pressure to be the best can create a cycle of anxiety and disappointment, particularly when faced with setbacks, such as not being accepted into the gifted program.

It's important to recognize that perfectionism can manifest in various ways, including the fear of failure, excessive self-criticism, and an inability to enjoy accomplishments. You described feeling like you have two sides: the cheerful, sociable boy and the melancholic perfectionist. This duality can be exhausting, as it forces you to maintain a façade of happiness while grappling with internal struggles.
One effective approach to overcoming perfectionism is to cultivate self-compassion. This involves treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a friend. When you experience setbacks or make mistakes, instead of harshly criticizing yourself, try to acknowledge your feelings and remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes. This shift in perspective can help reduce the pressure you place on yourself and allow for a more balanced view of success and failure.

Another strategy is to set realistic goals and embrace the concept of "good enough." Perfectionists often set unattainable standards, which can lead to chronic dissatisfaction. By redefining success to include effort and progress rather than perfection, you can alleviate some of the pressure you feel. For instance, instead of aiming for a perfect score, focus on learning and improving your skills over time.

Additionally, it may be beneficial to engage in mindfulness practices. Mindfulness can help you become more aware of your thoughts and feelings without judgment. This awareness can create space for you to respond to your emotions more effectively, rather than being overwhelmed by them. Techniques such as meditation, deep breathing exercises, or even journaling can provide an outlet for your feelings and help you process your experiences.

Seeking professional help can also be a valuable step in your journey. A therapist or counselor can provide support and guidance tailored to your specific needs. They can help you explore the underlying beliefs that fuel your perfectionism and work with you to develop healthier coping strategies. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is particularly effective for perfectionism, as it focuses on changing negative thought patterns and behaviors.

Lastly, remember that it's okay to ask for help. Sharing your struggles with trusted friends, family, or mentors can provide relief and perspective. You mentioned that your classmates often confide in you, which indicates that you have a supportive presence in their lives. Allowing others to support you in return can foster deeper connections and help you feel less isolated in your experiences.

In conclusion, overcoming perfectionism is a journey that requires patience and self-compassion. By recognizing the impact of your perfectionistic tendencies, setting realistic goals, practicing mindfulness, and seeking support, you can begin to alleviate the pressure you feel and embrace a more balanced approach to life. Remember, it's not about being perfect; it's about being human.

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