Struggling with Emotions: Seeking Help for Marital and Mental Health Issues

What should I do? My emotions are becoming increasingly difficult to control?

Hello Dr.
Wang,
Please allow me to explain the situation—thank you! My husband and I dated for 5-6 years before getting married, and I became pregnant with our first child six months after the wedding.
During my pregnancy, my husband, being the only son in his family and under pressure to take over the family business, became less considerate than before.
For example, when I experienced morning sickness, he told me not to pretend.
Every time we went out, he would ask me to carry many things.
After our first child was born, he often expressed frustration because I couldn't accompany him, especially when the timing or location for outings with the baby wasn't suitable for me—partly because I live with my in-laws.
He would also criticize me for not keeping the house as tidy as before, which led to him speaking harshly to me or ignoring me.
Consequently, our marriage gradually deteriorated into arguments and mutual complaints about not being able to support each other (even when he had free time, he would choose to spend it on the computer instead of with me and our child).
Later, I accidentally became pregnant with our second child, which led to even more arguments.
Perhaps due to my poor emotional state during the pregnancy, our second child has been very sensitive and prone to crying, which has caused my husband to dislike him.
He has threatened and scolded our baby, even throwing him onto the bed when he was just over three months old.
Now, he sometimes hits him for crying and forbids him from expressing his emotions.
As a result, our son has become very attached to me, and I spend less and less time with my husband.

I am quite angry with my husband for several reasons:
1.
When he has time to be with me and our child, he only plays on the computer, watches TV, eats, or goes out to meet with his car enthusiast friends.
When I complain to him, he says it’s my fault that our child is so attached to me and that I deserve it.

2.
Last year, he misinterpreted my actions out of jealousy, and even now, over a year later, he still accuses me daily of being unfaithful, repeating these accusations at least five times a day.

3.
We don’t live in constant conflict, but we hardly speak to each other.
Whenever I try to initiate a conversation, he says there’s nothing to talk about or that he needs to sleep once the child is asleep.

4.
My sister-in-law bullies me, and he says I deserve it.

Under the pressure of living with my in-laws and the tension with my husband, I feel very lonely and frustrated every day.
I wish I had a husband who could talk to me and be a source of support, but every night when the child sleeps, my husband also goes to bed, which is really frustrating.
Recently, I’ve been so overwhelmed that I’ve started to disturb him to sleep with me.
If we argue again, I have thoughts of self-harm.
When I think about my husband’s attitude towards me, I end up in tears and feel like giving up on everything.
Am I sick? I feel so troubled! What should I do?

yaya, 30~39 year old female. Ask Date: 2005/11/13

Dr. Wang Chongren reply Psychiatry

Dear Dr.
Wang Chong-Jen from the Tainan Hospital of the Department of Health, Executive Yuan:
From your letter, it is evident that your marriage has placed an immense and inexplicable burden on you.
Your husband's lack of understanding and trust seems to be the most painful aspect for you, and his close relationship with your in-laws is causing you significant distress.
You even mentioned having suicidal thoughts, which indicates that you have been feeling troubled for some time.
Such depressive emotions, combined with suicidal ideation, are indeed concerning and warrant proactive engagement with mental health professionals.
You may benefit from medication to help stabilize the physiological imbalances in your brain and regain your confidence.
Additionally, psychotherapy could assist you in processing and transforming your inner pain.
I encourage you to seek help promptly and face your challenges with courage.
Wishing you good health and all the best from the Department of Psychiatry at Tainan Hospital!

Reply Date: 2005/11/13

More Info

Dear [Name],
Thank you for sharing your deeply personal and challenging situation. It’s clear that you are experiencing a significant amount of emotional distress, and I want to acknowledge the courage it takes to reach out for help. Your feelings of loneliness, frustration, and despair are valid, especially given the circumstances you’ve described regarding your marriage and family dynamics.

From what you’ve shared, it seems that your husband’s behavior has changed significantly since the birth of your first child, and this has contributed to a growing sense of isolation for you. The pressures of parenthood, particularly when compounded by living with in-laws and the stress of managing a household, can indeed take a toll on a relationship. It’s not uncommon for couples to struggle during this transition, but it’s crucial to address these issues before they escalate further.

Understanding Your Emotions
1. Emotional Overload: It sounds like you are experiencing a range of emotions, including sadness, frustration, and perhaps even feelings of inadequacy. These feelings can be exacerbated by the lack of support from your husband and the stress of parenting. It’s important to recognize that these emotions are a natural response to your circumstances.

2. Isolation: The sense of loneliness you feel is compounded by your husband’s withdrawal and the dynamics with your in-laws. When you feel unsupported, it can lead to feelings of despair and hopelessness. This isolation can be particularly challenging for new parents, who often need a strong support system.

3. Thoughts of Self-Harm: Your mention of having suicidal thoughts is concerning and should be taken seriously. It’s essential to seek immediate help if these thoughts persist. Talking to a mental health professional can provide you with the support you need to navigate these feelings.

Steps to Consider
1. Open Communication: It may be beneficial to have an open and honest conversation with your husband about how you’re feeling. Choose a time when you’re both calm, and express your feelings without placing blame. Use “I” statements to communicate how his actions affect you, such as “I feel lonely when we don’t spend time together.”
2. Seek Professional Help: Given the complexity of your situation, involving a therapist or counselor could be incredibly helpful. They can provide you with coping strategies and help facilitate communication between you and your husband. Couples therapy might also be an option to explore together.

3. Build a Support Network: Reach out to friends, family, or support groups for parents. Connecting with others who understand what you’re going through can alleviate feelings of isolation and provide you with a sense of community.

4. Self-Care: Prioritize your well-being by engaging in activities that bring you joy and relaxation. Whether it’s reading, exercising, or simply taking a moment for yourself, self-care is crucial in managing stress.

5. Addressing Parenting Dynamics: It’s important to establish a healthy parenting dynamic. If your husband is exhibiting harmful behavior towards your children, such as physical punishment or verbal threats, this needs to be addressed immediately. Consider discussing parenting strategies together, or seek guidance from a professional on effective parenting techniques.

Conclusion
Your feelings of frustration and despair are understandable given the circumstances you’re facing. It’s crucial to take steps to address these feelings and seek support. Remember, you are not alone in this, and there are resources available to help you navigate these challenges. Please consider reaching out to a mental health professional who can provide you with the support you need during this difficult time.

Take care of yourself, and remember that seeking help is a sign of strength.

Best wishes,
Doctor Q&A Teams

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