Finding Motivation: Overcoming Social Anxiety and Relationship Dependency

No motivation..?

Hello Doctor: I think I have social anxiety disorder.
I read the book "Never Be Nervous Again," and I relate to more than half of the symptoms.
I don’t want to go out with anyone; I just want to be with my boyfriend because I feel more relaxed and happy with him, which also makes me not want to work.
Right now, I have found a job with very few hours to earn some living expenses, and I plan to study for civil service exams during my free time, but I have no motivation to study at all.
I don’t want to do anything; every day I just want to be with my boyfriend, and I feel like doing anything has become impossible.
This job is as a cleaner, where I clean shelves and sweep the floor at a pharmacy.
I only have to interact with my boss, so I don’t have to deal with interpersonal issues.
My boss is very nice, but I still get nervous before work, my heart races, and I worry about not having anything to talk about with my boss, stressing over trivial matters.
I don’t like chatting, but I’m afraid that silence will be awkward, so I try to find topics to discuss, which is exhausting and troublesome.
Over time, I’ve grown to dislike interacting with people.
My life feels wasted right now; I don’t know what my motivation is, and I drift through each day feeling cowardly, afraid to engage with new environments or new friends.
If I don’t see my boyfriend for a day, I feel very down, as if I can’t get through the day without him.
Recently, I’ve had this absurd thought of marrying and living with my boyfriend, thinking that might give me the motivation to study or work directly since I could see him every day.
It’s such a naive and ignorant thought.
However, my parents don’t like him, so how could I possibly marry him?! This thought also brings me negative emotions, and I feel unfilial, as if I’m disregarding my parents’ feelings.
But I really can’t find any motivation… What should I do?

Wu Zhu De Xiao Tong, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2009/02/17

Dr. Su Zongwei reply Psychiatry

Many cases of social anxiety disorder are not solely psychological; there are often physiological components involved as well.
Therefore, it is advisable not to isolate oneself in a personal bubble.
Seeking consultation at a psychiatric clinic can be beneficial.
In many instances, taking certain medications can help restore motivation, but it is essential to first confirm the diagnosis of social anxiety disorder.

Reply Date: 2009/02/17

More Info

It sounds like you are experiencing a challenging combination of social anxiety and relationship dependency, which can be quite overwhelming. It's important to recognize that you are not alone in feeling this way, and many people struggle with similar issues. Let's break down your concerns and explore some strategies to help you find motivation and overcome these challenges.

Understanding Social Anxiety and Relationship Dependency
Social anxiety is characterized by an intense fear of social situations where one may be judged or scrutinized by others. This can lead to avoidance behaviors, such as not wanting to go out or interact with people outside of a close relationship, like the one you have with your boyfriend. While it’s natural to feel comfortable with someone you trust, relying solely on that relationship can limit your personal growth and opportunities.

Relationship dependency, on the other hand, occurs when an individual feels that their happiness and motivation are heavily tied to another person. In your case, it seems that your boyfriend provides a sense of comfort and security, but this reliance may also hinder your ability to engage with the world around you.

Finding Motivation
1. Set Small, Achievable Goals: Start by setting small, manageable goals for yourself. Instead of focusing on studying for a big exam or finding a new job, aim for daily tasks that are achievable. For example, commit to reading just one page of a book or taking a short walk outside. These small victories can help build your confidence and motivation over time.

2. Create a Routine: Establishing a daily routine can provide structure to your day and help you feel more in control. Include time for work, study, and relaxation. Even if you don’t feel motivated, sticking to a routine can help you develop habits that may eventually lead to increased motivation.

3. Limit Time with Your Boyfriend: While it’s important to maintain your relationship, consider setting boundaries on how much time you spend together. This can encourage you to engage in other activities and meet new people, which can help reduce your dependency on him for happiness.

4. Explore New Interests: Try to find activities that interest you outside of your relationship. This could be a hobby, a sport, or even a new subject to study. Engaging in new experiences can help you discover passions that motivate you and provide a sense of fulfillment.

5. Practice Mindfulness and Relaxation Techniques: Techniques such as deep breathing, meditation, or yoga can help reduce anxiety and improve your overall mental health. These practices can help you feel more grounded and less overwhelmed by social situations.

6. Seek Professional Help: If you find that your social anxiety and relationship dependency are significantly impacting your life, consider seeking help from a mental health professional. Therapy can provide you with tools to manage anxiety and develop healthier relationship patterns. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is particularly effective for social anxiety.

7. Communicate with Your Parents: If you feel comfortable, try to have an open conversation with your parents about your feelings and your relationship. While they may have their concerns, expressing your perspective may help them understand your choices better.

Conclusion
Finding motivation and overcoming social anxiety is a journey that takes time and effort. It’s essential to be patient with yourself and recognize that progress may be gradual. By setting small goals, creating a routine, and exploring new interests, you can begin to regain a sense of control over your life. Remember, it’s okay to seek help when needed, and taking steps towards independence can ultimately lead to a more fulfilling and balanced life. You are capable of making positive changes, and with time, you can find the motivation you seek.

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