Struggling with Mental Health: A Journey Through Family Conflict and Isolation

Destined for a tragic downfall?

Hello Doctor: Previously, I had an argument with my dad and, in a fit of anger, I threw away all my medication.
My dad continued to provoke me with his words, deliberately trying to make me angry, even calling me crazy for having this illness.
I hate being called crazy; my dad treats me like I'm insane because of my condition.
Sometimes, when my behavior is beyond his understanding, he accuses me of going crazy again.
He also uses mocking language to provoke me, and when I can't take it anymore, I end up breaking things.
When I break something, my dad won't buy a replacement.
He says he won't repair it, let alone buy something new.
This kind of authoritarianism makes me extremely angry and drives me crazy! He intentionally makes me angry to the point where I break things, and then when they are broken, he won't replace them! For instance, just yesterday, he accused me of eating his food when I hadn't touched it at all.
He also called me crazy.
Once, I accidentally spilled oil all over the table while handling dishes incorrectly, and my dad got very angry; I told him that I would do it correctly next time, but he didn't listen and ended up breaking the dish.
In my anger, I kicked the trash can, so now we don't have a trash can at home (because he won't buy a new one after I broke it).
Every time he provokes me, I get furious, and then things get damaged, and there are no replacements.
Living in this kind of household is very painful.
Another example is when the faucet was dripping; I turned it off properly, but my dad thought I was turning it too tightly, so he opened it wide, causing water to flow out excessively.
I got angry and kicked the trash can to vent my frustration.
After my mom passed away, I feel very incompatible with my dad.
Living with him is exhausting and painful...
Yesterday, while I was having breakfast, my dad came back and forcefully pushed the drawer shut next to me, even though I hadn't done anything to provoke him.
I felt very annoyed by the loud noise he made while slamming the drawer, and I cursed at him! After finishing breakfast, I dropped my keys on the floor while trying to grab them, and I muttered a few curse words.
My dad exploded with rage, and I was intimidated by his anger, quickly clarifying that I wasn't cursing at him.
Then he said I was someone who "couldn't be driven away from home." I was extremely angry! Moreover, because of my past experiences working part-time, I had been let go a few times for not performing well (and had to return home to eat), which I didn't want either.
My dad's comment about me being someone who couldn't be driven away hit a nerve.
Even if I moved out, I wouldn't have the money to cover expenses, and no company would hire someone with my mental and physical disabilities (I've applied for jobs and faced discrimination).
At home, I feel like a burden; I don't earn money, and my behavior is considered strange.
Staying at home without money is difficult; finding a job is either unsuitable for me or others won't hire me...
After stopping my medication for a few days, I couldn't take it anymore, and my symptoms flared up.
Since my original psychiatrist opened a private practice, I had to see another doctor.
On the day of the appointment, my symptoms worsened; I was laughing uncontrollably, hyperventilating, feeling breathless, and experiencing impulsive behavior with body tremors...
I don't know what illness I have now or if my condition has worsened.
I only know that it says 295.70; what does that diagnosis refer to? (Where can I look it up online?) Additionally, I'm receiving injections of Zyprexa 10mg/vial - 1 VIAL and taking medications: Xanax 0.5mg after each meal and once before bed, Luvox 50mg once after dinner, and Seroquel 100mg once after breakfast and dinner.
They also wrote "Schizo-affective disorder, unspecified." What does that mean? What should I do to help the new doctor understand my condition so that I can receive appropriate treatment? I originally knew I had obsessive-compulsive disorder, such as thinking the opposite of good fortune; when others face difficulties, I tend to think they will end up badly...
I hate having this illness, and I resent those who contributed to my condition; I also resent why fate allowed me to suffer from this illness, and I harbor resentment towards those who wronged me in the past.
Even when applying for jobs, companies reject me because of my illness, and I want to take revenge on them...
I envy those who have suitable jobs and can earn money; I wish I could be like normal people, have a girlfriend, earn money through my efforts, and become wealthy...
fulfilling my dreams, but I feel dissatisfied.
No matter what I do, I remain in the same situation: still no money, still no girlfriend, still struggling to find a job, and companies still won't hire me...
Even if I found a job now, I wouldn't be able to afford a house in 20 years.
I once had my fortune told, and the fortune-teller said I would have a miserable old age without money...
I feel like I'm just being used, and no matter how hard I try, it seems futile.
I want to take revenge on those who have made my life miserable.
Right now, I have no job, and sometimes I barely speak a word to my dad in a day, or I don't talk to him at all; I have also become reluctant to communicate with him.

A-Wen, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2009/06/06

Dr. Su Zongwei reply Psychiatry

It seems that your issue is quite complex, and it's difficult to fully understand the problem online.
I recommend that you consult a physician in person and maintain a stable, ongoing relationship with them for a period of time.
This will allow the doctor to gradually understand you and your family situation, enabling them to provide targeted treatment or guide you on how to change your current condition.

Reply Date: 2009/06/06

More Info

It sounds like you are going through an incredibly challenging time, both with your mental health and your family dynamics. The feelings of isolation, frustration, and anger that you are experiencing are valid and understandable, especially given the context of your family situation and the loss of your mother.
From what you've described, it seems that your relationship with your father is strained, and his behavior is exacerbating your mental health struggles. The verbal provocations and dismissive attitudes towards your condition can create an environment that feels hostile and unwelcoming. This can lead to a cycle of anger and frustration, where both you and your father may feel misunderstood and trapped in your roles.
Your mention of feeling like a burden and struggling with your self-worth is particularly concerning. It’s important to recognize that these feelings can be symptoms of deeper mental health issues, such as depression or anxiety, which can be compounded by the stress of family conflict. The fact that you have stopped taking your medication and are experiencing a resurgence of symptoms indicates that you may need to reassess your treatment plan with a healthcare professional.

The diagnosis you mentioned, "Schizoaffective disorder, unspecified," refers to a mental health condition that includes symptoms of both schizophrenia (like hallucinations or delusions) and mood disorder symptoms (like depression or mania). It’s crucial to have a clear understanding of your diagnosis so that you can communicate effectively with your new doctor. You should prepare for your appointment by writing down your symptoms, any medications you have taken, and how they have affected you. This will help the doctor understand your situation better and tailor a treatment plan that suits your needs.

In terms of coping strategies, here are a few suggestions that may help you navigate your current situation:
1. Seek Professional Help: It’s essential to find a mental health professional who can provide you with the support you need. This could be a psychiatrist, psychologist, or therapist who specializes in your specific issues. They can help you understand your diagnosis and work with you on a treatment plan.

2. Open Communication: If possible, try to have an open conversation with your father about how his words and actions affect you. This can be challenging, especially if he is resistant to understanding your perspective, but expressing your feelings may help alleviate some tension.

3. Establish Boundaries: It’s important to set boundaries with your father regarding what behaviors you will tolerate. This can help create a healthier environment for you to live in.

4. Practice Self-Care: Engage in activities that promote your well-being, such as exercise, meditation, or hobbies that you enjoy. This can help reduce stress and improve your mood.

5. Connect with Supportive People: Surround yourself with friends or family members who understand your situation and can provide emotional support. Isolation can worsen mental health issues, so finding a support network is crucial.

6. Educate Yourself: Understanding your condition can empower you. Researching your diagnosis and treatment options can help you feel more in control of your situation.

7. Consider Medication Management: If you have stopped taking your medication, discuss this with your healthcare provider. They can help you find a medication regimen that works for you and monitor your progress.

8. Focus on Small Goals: Setting small, achievable goals can help you regain a sense of control and accomplishment. This could be as simple as getting out of the house for a walk or completing a small task at home.

Remember, you are not alone in this journey. Many people face similar struggles, and seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. It’s essential to prioritize your mental health and well-being, and with the right support and treatment, you can work towards a more positive and fulfilling life.

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