My Sexuality: Am I Gay or Just Confused?

I am not sure if I am gay..?

I am 19 years old and I have been questioning my sexual orientation for a long time.
I find myself attracted to the bodies of men, specifically those who are muscular and fit.
Looking at them can lead to arousal and a desire to masturbate, and I often envy their physiques.
I wish I could look like them.
When I see handsome guys, I do pay attention to them, but it doesn’t usually trigger sexual desire unless they are naked.
I also look at them with a sense of envy, thinking, "If only I were that handsome."
I enjoy looking at male genitalia, but I don't have much interest in female genitalia.
However, I do feel a sense of attraction when I see beautiful women and want to keep looking, although I don't particularly want to see them naked.
I watch adult films, including both heterosexual and gay content, but I tend to focus first on the appearance and physique of the male actors.
I don’t feel uncomfortable watching women, and I can become aroused by hearing female moans.
I also appreciate attractive women with good bodies.

In general, I feel envious of good-looking, fit individuals and want to get to know them, hoping to build a close friendship (not necessarily romantic).
I think there might be a desire to be protected, possibly due to being the youngest in my family.
I don’t interact much with my sister, and my relationship with my father isn’t very close either.
I’ve heard that a father-son relationship can influence sexual orientation, but I’m not sure about that.

I have never engaged in sexual intercourse, but when I masturbate, I fantasize about what it would be like to have sex with both men and women (initially I only thought about men, but gradually I also think about women).
With women, I feel a desire to "conquer" them and make them feel good, while with men, I want to be cared for.
It doesn’t necessarily have to involve anal sex; I’m also okay with mutual oral sex.

In elementary and middle school, I secretly liked girls, although I was already looking at sexy pictures of boys online during middle school.
After high school, I started to notice girls I liked, but I have never had a crush on a boy; I only pay attention to those who have good physiques or are handsome.
If I see a gay couple on the street, I still feel a bit strange about it.
I wonder if I am gay...
It’s really confusing.
If you ask me whether I want to be gay, I would say I don’t; I want to be straight.
It’s all so complicated.
Thank you very much.

Zac, 10~19 year old female. Ask Date: 2009/09/13

Dr. Zheng Jingming reply Psychiatry

From the current medical perspective, homosexuality is simply a different personal sexual orientation.
If one can accept and identify with it, it is not considered pathological; homosexual individuals are no different from others.
Before determining whether one is homosexual, it is essential to give oneself enough time to confirm this and to allow for psychological growth and maturity.
If you are not yet fully mature (reaching adulthood at 20 years old; or in Taiwan, adulthood is considered to be at 24 years old), your sexual orientation may not be fully established, and it is premature to label yourself as homosexual.
Experiencing sexual arousal towards same-sex nudity and occasional sexual desire towards the opposite sex suggests that you may have some homosexual or bisexual tendencies.

Reply Date: 2009/09/13

More Info

Understanding your sexual orientation can be a complex and sometimes confusing journey, especially during your late teens and early twenties when many individuals are exploring their identities. Based on your description, it seems you are experiencing a mix of attractions and feelings that could suggest a range of sexual orientations, including heterosexuality, homosexuality, or bisexuality.
Firstly, it’s important to recognize that sexual orientation is not always black and white. Many people find themselves somewhere on a spectrum. Your attraction to muscular men and your feelings of envy towards their bodies, coupled with your interest in women, suggests that you may have some bisexual tendencies. It’s also common for individuals to experience different levels of attraction to different genders at various points in their lives.
You mentioned that you feel aroused by the sight of fit men but do not experience the same level of attraction unless they are nude. This could indicate a physical attraction that may not necessarily translate into a desire for a romantic or sexual relationship. It’s also worth noting that many people experience admiration for others’ physical attributes without it being tied to a sexual desire. Your feelings of wanting to be protected or having a “brotherly” bond with these men could reflect a desire for connection rather than a sexual one.

Your attraction to women, albeit less intense, also plays a significant role in understanding your orientation. The fact that you feel a sense of excitement when viewing attractive women, even if it doesn’t lead to a desire to see them nude, suggests that you may still have a heterosexual component to your sexuality. The complexity of your feelings—wanting to “conquer” women while feeling a desire to be cared for by men—could reflect a deeper exploration of your identity and the roles you perceive in relationships.

It’s also important to consider the influences of your upbringing and personal experiences. You mentioned feeling a lack of close interaction with your father and sister, which can sometimes impact one’s understanding of gender roles and relationships. However, it’s crucial to remember that while family dynamics can influence our perceptions, they do not solely determine our sexual orientation.

Regarding your feelings of confusion and your desire to identify as straight, it’s perfectly normal to wish for clarity in your identity. Many individuals go through phases of questioning their sexuality, and it’s okay to take your time to explore these feelings without pressure to label yourself immediately.
If you find that these feelings are causing you significant distress, it may be beneficial to speak with a mental health professional who specializes in sexual orientation and identity issues. They can provide a safe space for you to explore your feelings and help you navigate this complex journey.
In conclusion, your experiences and feelings are valid, and it’s essential to give yourself the grace to explore them without judgment. Sexuality can be fluid, and many people find that their attractions and feelings evolve over time. Embrace this exploration as a part of your personal growth, and remember that it’s okay to be uncertain as you work towards understanding yourself better.

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