Do I Need Help? Coping with Grief and Mental Health After Loss

Do I need help?

Upon learning that my mother was suddenly critically ill, I immediately booked a flight back to Taiwan.
After landing, I rushed to the hospital, but she could no longer see or hear me.
Thirty minutes later, the doctor told me to let her go peacefully.
I asked, "Is this really better for her?" The doctor replied that it was indeed better for her.
After that, she was taken off life support.
I followed her body to a room, continuously talking to her and wiping the blood that seeped from the corner of her mouth.
I broke down.
She could have undergone surgery, but her partner initially signed the consent form and then changed their mind, causing a scene in the operating room.
As a result, my mother received anesthesia but never had the surgery and never woke up again.
From the moment I landed until my mother passed away, I signed countless documents.
Afterwards, I numbly carried my luggage back to an empty home.
I had no family left; the vacant house was filled with memories of my mother.
I cried incessantly, constantly answering calls from the funeral home, facing the emptiness of the house and all the arrangements for my mother's funeral.
I watched her being cremated and collected her ashes.
After the funeral, I returned home, speaking to her room every day, asking what she wanted to eat, if she wanted a bath, and then questioning why she wouldn’t answer me.
Locked inside the house, I cried for 25 hours a day, unable to sleep, only able to cry.
I lost 5 kilograms in a week.
The clerk at the convenience store downstairs thought I was on a diet, and the staff at the bank also assumed I was losing weight.
But I just couldn’t eat; I could only cry and couldn’t sleep, replaying the images from the day my mother passed away in my mind.
Four months later, I realized I needed to see a psychologist.
The doctor said I was worse off than I appeared.
My mother's passing brought up all the unpleasant memories of my childhood and life.
The doctor prescribed me strong sleeping pills and antidepressants because I lived alone with no one to accompany me.
After that, I didn’t return for follow-up appointments.
The nurse called me, asking me to call back.
I did, but still didn’t go back for a visit because I felt it was useless.
Now, I rely on writing in my journal to express my pain.
After each journaling session, I cry hard, and only then do I feel a little better.
This is the only way I can vent.
It has been one year, one month, and 23 days since my mother passed away, and I think about her face, eyes tightly shut in the emergency room, and her made-up face after the funeral every day.
I feel guilty towards my mother because of her partner, I moved far away and never expected I wouldn’t be able to see her one last time.
Her sudden collapse is something I can never forgive myself for.
I tell myself it’s just a matter of time, and I even wish I could fall ill and pass away.
Doctor, do I need to see a psychiatrist again?

C, 40~49 year old female. Ask Date: 2011/03/08

Dr. Su Zongwei reply Psychiatry

Undoubtedly, you definitely need to see a psychiatrist again.
Your condition has surpassed the grief of your mother's passing and has developed into a clinical depression that requires pharmacological treatment for improvement.

Reply Date: 2011/03/08

More Info

Dear Friend,
I am truly sorry to hear about the profound loss you have experienced. Losing a loved one, especially a parent, can be one of the most devastating events in life. Your feelings of grief, guilt, and despair are completely valid and understandable. It’s important to recognize that what you are going through is not just sadness; it is a complex emotional response to a significant loss, often referred to as complicated grief or prolonged grief disorder.

From your description, it seems that you are experiencing a range of symptoms that are affecting your daily life. These include persistent crying, difficulty sleeping, loss of appetite, and overwhelming feelings of guilt and sorrow. These symptoms can be indicative of depression, especially given the context of your recent loss. It’s crucial to understand that grief can manifest in various ways, and it is not uncommon for individuals to feel as though they are losing control over their emotions.

You mentioned that you have already sought help from a psychologist, which is a positive step. However, it’s concerning that you did not find the follow-up sessions helpful and that you have stopped attending. It’s important to remember that finding the right therapist can sometimes take time, and it’s okay to seek a second opinion or try a different professional if you feel that your current treatment is not meeting your needs.

The feelings of guilt you are experiencing, particularly regarding your mother’s passing and your relationship with her partner, are common among those who have lost a loved one. It’s essential to process these feelings rather than suppress them. Writing in a journal, as you have been doing, can be a therapeutic outlet, but it may not be enough on its own. Professional support can provide you with tools to cope with these feelings more effectively.

In terms of your question about whether you should return to mental health services, I would strongly encourage you to do so. A mental health professional can help you navigate your grief and provide you with coping strategies tailored to your situation. They can also assess whether medication might be beneficial for you, especially if you are experiencing symptoms of depression that are impacting your ability to function.

Moreover, it’s important to address the isolation you are feeling. Living alone and dealing with grief can exacerbate feelings of loneliness and despair. Consider reaching out to support groups, either in-person or online, where you can connect with others who are experiencing similar losses. Sharing your story and hearing others can provide comfort and a sense of community.

Lastly, please remember that it’s okay to ask for help. You are not alone in this journey, and there are people and resources available to support you. Grief is not a linear process, and it’s normal to have good days and bad days. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate this difficult time.

In summary, I strongly recommend that you seek professional help again. It can be incredibly beneficial to have someone to talk to who understands what you are going through. You deserve support, and there is hope for healing, even if it feels distant right now. Take care of yourself, and remember that it’s okay to reach out for help.

Wishing you peace and healing,
Doctor Q&A Teams

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