I don't know what to do?
I'm very hesitant to go out for medical care.
Recently, I was attacked online for trying to help others, and I've been crying for several days.
I'm feeling very distressed, and I've even had thoughts of ending my life.
However, I signed a verbal suicide prevention contract with my paramedic friends and the team leader, so I don't dare to act on those thoughts.
Recently, I've been thinking about breaking that contract, even saying that since I didn't give you the original document, it shouldn't count, right? I even want to see what it feels like again.
I know I have problems, but I'm more afraid of actually doing something and being forcibly hospitalized, as the thought of being admitted is terrifying.
I don't know how much longer I can hold on...
I know my mood has been low for a long time, and my life is in disarray.
But can I really get through this as the team leader says? They often tell me that if I can get through this, it will be convincing for others.
I'm not currently on medication; I only have negative thoughts.
But because of them, I don't dare to act on those thoughts.
I want to, but I'm afraid of being forcibly hospitalized or that my family will see me harm myself and will scold me.
How can I do well? I'm afraid to go out alone, and my family opposes me seeking medical care because they believe I'm not sick.
They think I'm normal in front of them, but when I return to my room, I feel down.
I barely speak three sentences to my family a day, and I hide in my room, only going out for dinner and to shower.
Doctor, what should I do? I didn't even talk to you during my previous visits; I just handed you a paper listing the symptoms I experienced from the medication.
I often feel like a useless person since the whole family goes out to work, and I'm just at home taking out the trash.
I don't have to do anything else, not even cooking, as my family doesn't let me.
Is this how I'm supposed to live my life? I often think how much better it would have been if the doctor hadn't saved me; at least I could be with my father.
What should I do? I'm so lost.
Is it really unacceptable for paramedics to have self-harming behaviors? Is it something to be ashamed of? Can I still go back to being a volunteer?
MM, 30~39 year old female. Ask Date: 2011/08/17
Dr. Lin Junyuan reply Psychiatry
Hello, MM.
We have the ability to help others, and of course, there are times when we need assistance from others as well.
Your willingness to ask questions on this platform is the first step! You mentioned that you have visited for a consultation before; many patients find it takes a lot of courage to seek help for the first time.
If you're not comfortable talking at first, there's no need to feel embarrassed.
Take your time to get familiar with the healthcare staff and the environment, as not everyone can easily express their discomfort.
We sincerely invite you to seek consultation, and if you choose to come to our hospital, we would be more than happy to collaborate with you.
Wishing you all the best!
Reply Date: 2011/08/17
More Info
It sounds like you are going through an incredibly challenging time, and I want to acknowledge the depth of your feelings and the struggles you are facing. It's important to understand that seeking help for mental health issues is not a sign of weakness; rather, it is a courageous step towards healing and recovery.
From what you've described, it seems you are experiencing significant emotional distress, which may include feelings of hopelessness, anxiety, and possibly depression. These feelings can be exacerbated by external pressures, such as the negative feedback you received online and the fear of being judged by your family or peers. It's understandable to feel overwhelmed, especially when you are in a vulnerable state.
First and foremost, I want to emphasize that your life is valuable, and there are people who care about you and want to help. The fact that you have signed a suicide prevention contract shows that you are aware of the seriousness of your feelings and are taking steps to protect yourself. This is a positive sign, and it indicates that you have the capacity to seek help, even if it feels daunting.
Here are some steps you can consider taking to help you navigate this difficult period:
1. Reach Out for Support: While it may feel challenging to seek help, consider reaching out to a trusted friend, family member, or mental health professional. You mentioned that your family may not understand your struggles, but there are support groups and hotlines available where you can talk to someone who is trained to help. Sometimes, just sharing your feelings can provide relief.
2. Consider Professional Help: If you feel comfortable, try to see a mental health professional, such as a psychologist or psychiatrist. They can provide you with the tools and strategies to cope with your feelings. If you are worried about being hospitalized, communicate this concern to your therapist. They can work with you to create a treatment plan that respects your wishes while ensuring your safety.
3. Practice Self-Care: Engage in activities that bring you joy or relaxation, even if they are small. This could be listening to music, drawing, reading, or spending time in nature. Self-care is crucial for mental health, and it can help you feel more grounded.
4. Challenge Negative Thoughts: It’s common to have negative thoughts during tough times, but try to challenge these thoughts. Ask yourself if they are based on facts or if they are exaggerated. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) techniques can be helpful in reframing negative thinking patterns.
5. Set Small Goals: Start with small, achievable goals each day. This could be as simple as stepping outside for a few minutes or engaging in a brief conversation with a family member. Gradually increasing your exposure to the outside world can help reduce anxiety over time.
6. Limit Exposure to Triggers: If certain online interactions or content exacerbate your feelings of distress, consider taking a break from social media or limiting your exposure to negative influences. Surround yourself with positive and supportive people.
7. Mindfulness and Relaxation Techniques: Practices such as mindfulness, meditation, or deep breathing exercises can help reduce anxiety and improve your emotional state. These techniques can help you stay present and manage overwhelming feelings.
8. Volunteer or Help Others: If you feel up to it, consider volunteering or helping others in small ways. This can provide a sense of purpose and connection, which may help alleviate feelings of isolation.
Remember, it’s okay to ask for help, and you don’t have to go through this alone. Your feelings are valid, and taking steps to address them is a sign of strength. You are not a burden, and you deserve support and care. If you ever feel in immediate danger or have thoughts of harming yourself, please contact emergency services or a crisis hotline in your area. Your safety is the top priority.
Take one step at a time, and be gentle with yourself as you navigate this journey. You are capable of healing and finding your way back to a place of hope and fulfillment.
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