Breaking Free from Parental Influence: Finding Your Own Identity

How to overcome the influence of parents?

I don't know if I'm just making excuses or what, but I feel that many aspects of who I am now are influenced by my parents.
I easily become concerned about how others respond to me, often feeling anxious and insecure, even with important people in my life.
I can feel disappointed easily, and even when I share something I think is good, if the other person doesn't respond, I feel sad.
A vivid memory from my childhood is when I was playing happily with other kids, running around, and suddenly I was scolded, "What's so great about being so happy?" It felt like a curse; often, when I encounter situations, it seems like they lead to unhappiness because there's nothing to be happy about.
My father used to have health issues and business struggles, and his despondent words would lead to him expressing anger, which I had to endure.
This has made me very afraid of others getting angry or being dissatisfied.
Even when I mention that I have a headache or feel unwell, I get responses like, "What’s wrong with you? You always have problems." It feels like I can't find my own strength and feel powerless to change this situation.
Even though I am an adult now, witnessing conflicts between my parents has made me lose confidence in people and fear finding a partner.
I often think that if I were to have a child with a rare condition or any symptoms, everyone would blame each other, and the other person might just leave.
It feels like everyone is unable to bear the burden, and I have this intense fear of impending disaster, lacking confidence that we can support each other because blaming others is the easiest thing to do, and I am not that brave.
Whenever I try to be kinder to myself or reward myself, as soon as an adult speaks, I retreat, feeling like I shouldn't treat myself well.
It feels like a powerful part of me is telling me that I can't improve, that I will be like this for the rest of my life.
How can I defeat this powerful part of me, this strong parental value system? How can I reclaim my boundaries with important people in my life? Thank you.

HUE, 30~39 year old female. Ask Date: 2012/02/03

Dr. Liang Sunyuan reply Psychiatry

From the perspective of personality development, the relationship between parents and children is mutually influential.
Parents can impact their children, and a child's traits can also evoke changes in their parents' emotional behaviors.
Therefore, any changes made by either parents or children can potentially improve the interaction patterns between them.
While you may not be able to directly change your parents' attitudes, you can attempt to change yourself, alter your attitude towards yourself, encourage yourself, and affirm your strengths.
When your emotional state improves, it is likely that parent-child interactions will also enhance, and your parents' attitudes towards you may change as well.

During times of frustration, people often tend to hold negative views and focus solely on the adverse aspects of situations.
For instance, when parents say, "Oh, why are there so many problems?" they may actually be expressing their concern and care for you.
In Taiwanese culture, parents are not accustomed to directly expressing their concern and often resort to blame or questioning, while their underlying intention is still to care for their children.
Life events can be both smooth and challenging.
When things do not go well, attention often lingers on negative events, which amplifies their impact.

It is recommended that when your thoughts are consumed by negativity, you should get up and engage in activities that are important or interesting to you, redirecting your focus to more significant matters.
Wishing you health and success.

Sincerely,
Dr.
Liang Sun-Yuan, Changhua Hospital

Reply Date: 2012/02/03

More Info

Breaking free from parental influence and finding your own identity can be a challenging journey, especially when you feel that your self-worth and confidence have been shaped by your upbringing. It’s important to recognize that while our parents significantly influence us, we also have the power to redefine ourselves and our beliefs.
From a psychological perspective, the dynamics between parents and children can create patterns that affect how we perceive ourselves and interact with others. It sounds like your childhood experiences, such as being reprimanded for expressing joy, have left a lasting impact on your self-esteem and emotional responses. This kind of negative reinforcement can lead to a fear of expressing happiness or vulnerability, as you might associate these feelings with disapproval or criticism.
To begin reclaiming your identity, it’s essential to acknowledge and validate your feelings. It’s okay to feel hurt or lost; these emotions are part of the human experience. Start by reflecting on your strengths and the aspects of yourself that you value. Journaling can be a helpful tool for this. Write down your thoughts, feelings, and experiences without judgment. This practice can help you gain clarity about who you are beyond your parents' influence.

Another important step is to challenge the negative beliefs that have been instilled in you. For instance, when you think, “I shouldn’t be happy,” or “I’m not good enough,” question the validity of these thoughts. Are they based on facts, or are they echoes of past criticisms? Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) techniques can be beneficial here, as they encourage you to reframe negative thoughts and develop a more positive self-image.

Setting boundaries is also crucial in this process. It’s okay to prioritize your needs and well-being. If certain interactions with your parents or others leave you feeling drained or anxious, consider limiting those interactions or expressing your feelings openly. Communicating your needs can be daunting, but it’s a vital part of establishing your identity and asserting your autonomy.

Moreover, seek out supportive relationships outside of your family. Friends, mentors, or support groups can provide a sense of community and understanding that may be lacking in your familial relationships. Surrounding yourself with positive influences can help reinforce your self-worth and encourage you to pursue your interests and passions.

Engaging in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment is another way to reconnect with yourself. Whether it’s pursuing a hobby, volunteering, or exploring new interests, these experiences can help you rediscover your passions and strengths. They can also serve as a reminder that you are capable of creating happiness for yourself, independent of others’ opinions.

Lastly, consider seeking professional help if you find it difficult to navigate these feelings on your own. A therapist can provide guidance and support as you work through your emotions and develop strategies for building your self-esteem and independence.

In summary, breaking free from parental influence involves a combination of self-reflection, challenging negative beliefs, setting boundaries, seeking supportive relationships, and engaging in fulfilling activities. Remember, this is a journey, and it’s okay to take small steps toward finding your identity and reclaiming your self-worth. You have the power to shape your life and define who you are, separate from your parents’ expectations and influences.

Similar Q&A

Struggling with Identity: Navigating Anxiety and Self-Perception

In elementary school, I was chubby and not exactly bullied, but I had a bit of a princess complex, feeling somewhat on the fringes. During the summer before middle school, I dieted and tried to learn the behaviors of popular kids, which helped me make many friends; that was my fi...

Dr. Zhang Fangrong reply Psychiatry
Dear Sir/Madam, From your description, I can sense your emotions and anxiety. However, I also notice that you have a clear understanding of your thoughts and feelings, which is crucial for future changes. The emotions you mentioned are likely concerns shared by many, such as the...

Overcoming Low Self-Esteem: Strategies for Personal Transformation

Hello Doctor: "Lack of confidence" is my biggest issue. I have tried many methods and read numerous books, including Carnegie, but nothing has truly resonated with me (perhaps it's because deep down I don't believe change is possible or effective!). Even the p...

Dr. Chen Wenyu reply Psychiatry
Hello CHIA: Since you also perceive it as "personality," the development of personality is fundamentally a combination of innate temperament and environmental factors. You cannot choose your innate temperament, and the environment has already shaped you over the past 28...

Overcoming Social Anxiety and Career Uncertainty: A Journey to Self-Discovery

I have been very introverted since childhood and have never dared to initiate conversations with others. Throughout my school years, my teachers consistently commented that I was not good at expressing myself. More than one teacher has told me that I needed to change my introvert...

Dr. Wu Enliang reply Psychiatry
Hello, Nobody. Thank you for taking the time to write. You have truly faced many hardships over the years, and your situation is indeed very challenging. I will address your questions one by one: (1) Due to previous unpleasant experiences seeking help, I am actually very afraid ...

Transforming Yourself: Overcoming Mental Health Struggles and Isolation

Since childhood, I have often been ostracized due to obesity, and because overweight individuals tend to sweat and have body odor, I have been reluctant to get close to others. Additionally, I have halitosis, which has led to very few social interactions and friendships. Now that...

Dr. Liang Sunyuan reply Psychiatry
As people grow up, they become more accepting of each other's differences and diversity, which means that negative experiences from childhood are less likely to occur in adulthood. Change in individuals is a result of the long-term accumulation of experiences and growth. It ...